Heartbroken....?

Question

My husband of 8 years walked out on me & our 2 kids with no warning. He immediately moved in with his girlfriend (that I didn't know of) & her 3 kids. The kids & I are completely heartbroken. I feel like I will never have closure because I was blindsided by all of this. He says it is easy for him, because he has been contemplating this move for a year so he has his closure. I just feel like it will never stop hurting. I truly want to stop crying & move on. He's been gone almost 6 months & has seen the kids maybe 3 times for an hour each time, so it is devestating watching them hurt. I am generally a very strong person & can't believe I can't get past this. Any advice would be great. I am still in love with him even though, yes I see he's a horrible person. I just don't want to hurt anymore...

Answer 1

Develop some outside interests, talk to close friends about this, devote your heart and soul to your children, take some time to go see a movie all by yourself, read a good book., cook supper for an older shut-in person, visit an orphanage, in short, keep busy in your own life. It will still hurt, but it makes the time go a lot quicker....and TIME is the great Healer. I'm sorry you hurt so much, but it WILL get better in time. Best to you!

Answer 2

Be gentle with yourself: six months isn't excessive to grieve over a relationship you had for eight years, particularly when you were blindsided with the way it ended and you have two kids to nurture. Seeing the effects on your kids is bound to reopen any wounds that might have started to heal. And that's on top of whatever other problems this might have brought on, like having to move, not having enough money, having to juggle a job and child care.

If you haven't done so, I recommend you go see a therapist NOW and perhaps take the kids as well. Not only do you need someone to lean on right now, someone who can give you tools to deal with your anguish and depression, but you may need some help to help your kids deal with their own issues.

You have all been horribly betrayed by someone who, despite whatever good qualities he might have, is fundamentally selfish and dishonest. In some ways it's a lot like dealing with a death - the person you thought you knew just isn't there.

There's some distance between knowing that and feeling it, though, and getting through the whole process may take a very long time. In the meantime, your kids are going through their own grieving process.

So yes, please see a therapist. If you need a referral to one, talk to your regular doctor or, for the kids, their pediatrician.

Good luck to you and your little ones -

Answer 3

First, I am sorry that such a terrible thing has occured to you and your children. Unfortunately, people sometimes get selfish in marriage and then make unilateral decisions that are for their own benefit and that often have a negative impact on others.

I can only tell you what I did when something similiar happened to me. When my wife decided to see another man, I found a therapist to speak with each week (choose someone of the same sex so that a romantic relationship is less likely to develop). This helped me immensely. I was able to see that I was not at fault but at the same time it allowed me to explore areas of myself where I needed to improve. In addition to this, I began reading the Bible and other spiritual literature. Also, I acquired many books and CD's on changing your mental state to a positive one. Toni Robbins has published many good materials that if applied can do wonders for your mental state. Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl is a recommended book. Also I recommend the book Re-Inventing Yourself, by Steve Chandler.

The bottom line is that your life belongs to you. Even though your husband did something irresponsible and inconsiderate to you and your children, you must be strong for your sake and the kids sake. Try not to allow yourself to be a victim and move forward. Start an exercise program to get the blood flowing through your body. Eat healthier foods - organic vegetables; avoid sugar and starchy foods and soda and juices. Get plenty of rest. Take a dance class. Learn a new language. Help someone who has a more serious problem. The point I am making is that you need to make a full assault on making yourself a strong person - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If you are busy improving yourself and helping your kids, you won't have much time to lament a loss. Also, honestly, if he is the kind of man that would walk out without notice, then what is his character made of: I don't know what the nature of your marriage was, but regardless, he should maintain a relationship with the kids and see to it that you have what you need - by being fair to all parties. You are probably better off without him even though it doesn't seem that way at this time.

That is all I have at this time. All the things that I said are working for me and I feel good about myself. I have friends and family that I am close to and I have an excellent relationship with my kids. Ironically, my Ex-wife is calling me and emailing me almost every day - and she actually stated that we shouldn't have gotten divorced! Go figure (I would never take her back).

Best of luck to you and your family (I will say a prayer for you - you will be fine).
Take care...

Answer 4

I know its hard, and i know it hurts. Especially to watch someone you love walk away, and before you can even realize what has happened, they have already set up house with someone else. It just happened to me...have you grieved? Have you reached the mad stage yet? Have you realized that he isnt coming back, and really and truly, you dont want this to come back to you? Tho' it seems impossible, You have got to step out of the box and take a look at the picture from the outside. What he has done to you and your kids is devestating. But it is up to you to pick up the pieces for your kids. You cant do this if all they are seeing you do is grieve. Their depression will worsen. Get your priorities in line. Let your kids be your first priority, Make home your second. Recreate a place that feels comfortable to come home to. The first thing i did was paint my bedroom, add a few new pictures, and some rugs...its what i call mine now...not ours. and home is our little nest, for me and the kids. Let your job come next....Thank god for the few hours a day, you can concentrate on something else. You must work and do your job effectively, because now there are others depending solely on you. The farthest i have come is due to the fact that i finally quit denying it, and i got really mad. I didnt deserve what he did to me, and he doesnt deserve me. I got out and made some new friends, repaired some broken relationships with old friends, that because of him, i had given up. Suddenly, he is now a smaller part of the picture. He isnt as important as he used to be...and i realize i surely dont love him as much as i used to...who would do something like that to someone they loved anyway? He isnt worthy of you. Dress up, get pretty, smell good. let the world help you remember how pretty u are. Smile-thats the biggest thing you can do---Smile everyday. Time does heal all wounds. There was a time a few months ago, i thought i would die too...But i know now, how alive i still am, and how important i am to those who love and depend on me. You will get thru, i promise. Good Luck, and God bless.

Answer 5

I am so sorry you are going through this alone. I know ow you feel and to be frank, It really hurts. Well, there is nothing you can do about if for now because is mind is made up but I'll advise you not to jump into another relationship now as things may still come Back to normal. Cheer up and stop crying for your children's sake and move on with your life. You forgot to include in your story if you are a working mother or a housewife. If you are working, am happy for you then, so take good care of yourself, your children and blank him off your memory he will come back begging you.

Answer 6

It's time to start going out. Start dating again, it won't be easy but you deserve to be happy. The kids also deserve to be happy.About him not seeing the kids, just tell them that daddy is confused right now and hopefully things will get better between them. But you really need to start living again. You may still be in love with him but the fact is he is not with you as he has shown you by doing this to you and the kids. Even if you start just going out to the movies with some friends you really need to start living again. I hope you can move on and live a good life just remember you still have your kids and they will be happy if you are happy. Do it for all 3 of you. Good luck. God Bless

Answer 7

I am deeply sorry to hear about what your husband did to you and your children. I can't even imagine how devistating this is for you. However there is really no perfect advice to give someone on how to heal because everyone heals in their own way, weather its because of time, or keeping busy ect. and for some of us it takes much longer.

Your husband did a horrible thing and for walking out on, not only you but your children (together) believe me he will not have a happy relationship with this other women because of the hurtful way he decided to go about things. Even if he did not want to be in the relationship anymore he should of told you that, but the fact that he has just picked up and moved in with an already made family means that the deception and lying/cheating has been there for awhile, I can imagine the kind of trash the women must be who he is with, to actually be involved with a man who would just walk out on his family.

I know that you are hurting but try to hold it together and be strong for your kids, please dont allow yourself to fall apart over a man who obviously has no heart and is not worth it.

All the best for you and your children and if your husband does not want to see them, that is his lost.

Answer 8

Get a lawyer.

Alimony and child support payments tend to make some of that hurt go away; if that jerk doesn't want to be a parent, then you'll feel better forcing him to at least be responsible.

Getting back to dating after the divorce will help too; your best remedy for the heartbreak will be to fall in love again and live a better life than you did before.

P.S. - Listen to UtahGuy - choose your dates carefully.

Answer 9

That is horrible what he did to you and your sweet children. It was very selfish and coldhearted of him to do such a thing and I'm very sorry it had to happen to you. I can only imagine what your kids are going through.For you, only time can take the hurt away but it is a whole other thing for your kids. they didn't lose a husband they lost daddy and the only thing you can do to help them is to either get your soon to be ex to talk to them and tell them that he loves them and it is not their fault but if he is going to be an @ss then you need to get them counseling but you need to remember not to take him back because he will do it again.

Answer 10

I know it is easier said than done, but just let him go and don't look back. When you are hurting it is easy to remember all the good things, try not to do that but focus on the fact that he has hurt you and your children terribly and is not worthy of you or love. He is a bastard and you know it!