IS this good for my essay assignment?

Question

the assignment was to write an intro, conclusion and a starting sentences for of the 3 body paragraphs. then we send it to web CT and some one in the class will finish the body paragraphs for us. here are my 5 parts

Many inventions are glorious works of art, that help man kind advance its self. These inventions include, the automobile, the stadium, and the fishing rod. But there are other inventions that that slow human progress down, such as bio/chem. weapons and narcotics. The internet with all its dark uses makes Las Vegas seem heavenly in comparison.

The internet is a Breeding ground of false and misleading information.

With the internet has come many distractions that can severally threaten life and limb.

Crime is quite possibly the greatest threat posed by the internet.

Las Vegas has a second name people call it “Sin City”. that name fits Las Vegas like a glove. with legalized gamboling, the mustang ranch, and easy access to each of the seven deadly sins.

But if Vegas is sin city , then with out a doubt the internet, with its misleading, information, crime, and health risks, is quite passably the very key to the depths of hell.

*edit of the intro paragraph*
The internet with all its dark uses is near the top of the negative list and makes Las Vegas seem heavenly in comparison.

honestrly i could very well not live without the net but i thought it would be a good thing to use.

Answer 1

is it Internet versus Las Vegas kinda thing that your essay theme?

Sorry to say, you need to be more specific.

Internet is just tooooooo wide to be compare to tiny poooony Las Vegas. I suggest you better focus either Internet or Las Vegas(you may develop it such INET for better Living, INET for dark world, INET a sinful engine, etc OR Fortune in Vegas, SIN in the city of Gambler, The SIN saga, Sinful Vegas, etc)

Sorry for being frank.
All the best for you.

Answer 2

Inventions are usually not described as art
You could have picked better good and bad inventions
The Internet is like the rest of the world - some good some bad
The amount of crime related to the Internet is very small in relation to crime as a whole
Any group of dwellings anywhere has immediate access to all seven of the sins. Las Vagas is really hard to be slothful in. The mustang ranch is not in Los Vagas
Other than the above it is not too bad

Answer 3

It seems like a pretty good start of an essay, one question that i have is that you have 3 supporting paragraphs for the internet and only one for las vegas, perhaps you could balance it out, change one of the internet ones to lasvegas. just a sugestion.

Answer 4

Use humankind instead of mankind.Fits like a glove is a cliche best avoided..
Be consistent in spelling sin city ( caps/lower case)
By the way, internet is a mixed bag. It is not all sin city. May be it has a sin suburb.