hi help me?

Question

myself and my husband were living separately due to some problems. now by next month we r going to join together after a counscelling (through court). i feel very much embarrassed about it. nearly it was 18 months of period we didnt speak with each other. many things happened between us. now when i think of getting back to him , i could not able to explain how i feel , how to get through it.

the reason for separation is" He used to constantly abuse me physically and verbally even when I was pregnant. He yells at me, curses me all the time, I don't want to upset him because I know it will start a fight. But these events slowly tore away my self-confidence.
i couldnt able to find what is his problem and what he really wants from me. i adjusted so much with him , i didnt even tell what he does with me to others . only myself and my parents know his original character.

But the way he behaves infront of others was totally different. He would act as if he has a very soft nature and don’t get anger at all.

we both lived together for 8 months. i came to my parents home for delivery( its our tradition).

he visited the hospital to see our son once after tht till now he didnt visit us. i tried to contact him but he neglected. he started to spread his own stories to gain sympathy from others. he spoiled mine and my parents name by saying tht we illtreated him and didnt allow him to see our son. All ppl r believing him. i dont have any proof to make others believe me about wht he did with me.

and even i dont like to do tht. i want to live with him. he spoiled my career by not allowing to take up a job. even in court i didnt say anything abt him. i want to give him a chance. divorce is not tht much easy in India & i dont want it to happen in my life. iknow iam going to take a risk, but iam afraid i dont whether i will succeed or not. pls sugg

pls suggest me how to handle such type of persons. and even pray for me.

Answer 1

If you're able to let the past stay in the past, get around that obstacle, and if he has truly changed, then it will work for you. If not, then most likely it won't. Yes, you DO know his original character, but hopefully he has changed, and you CAN get through this.Tell him how you feel, and be truthful with him. If he wants it to work, it CAN. Best of luck to you, and him.

Answer 2

Do not get back with this guy, no matter how much you think you love him. Leave him and dont look back. There are so many other men out there that would treat you so much better than that. My opinion is that if a man has to beat up and yell at a woman to make him feel more like a man or feel like the dominate one in the relationship, then he isnt much of a man at all. Leave him and go stay with you parents or some friends for a while, and gain your self respect and your self esteem back. And when you are ready to, go out and find you another man that will be a man and not just act like a man.

Answer 3

it doesnt sound like you really want to be with him, so why get back together? Especially since he doesnt bring out the best in you, only fear.

This sounds like he has his problems and it's nothing that you have done, it's the way he's learned to behave. Violence takes a long time of councelling and willingness from him to overcome. I would NOT live with him again until it has been very much PROVEN that he has completed a anger management and assault overcoming program. Even when that is finished, he should be in councelling, and I believe you should as well as it's EXCELLENT to have someone to talk to about these things.. dont be embarrassed, it happens more than you would think, and it's sad. I would personally NOT get involved again though.

I dont care if you are an immigrant (if you are). You deserve better no matter what colour you are or where you have come from.

hold your head up high and believe in yourself.
Good Luck and I wish you well!

Answer 4

Why are you even going back to this man if he physically and verbally abused you? Please try and find another way~ this behavior in him most likely will not change and he is going to end up hurting you again! I am sure your parents do not want you going back either! Continue going to therapy and get your self confidnece and esteem back - but you do not need this person in your life. Just remeber that you area wonderful person and you deserve to be treated as such! Best of luck to you ~





You want to go back and live with him knowing that he might hurt you? Than you should try and find a male friend and have him talk with your husband and let him know that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior!! Maybe your friend can scare him into not mistreating you! Because I really am afraid that this will happen again~ people who hurt other people like he does rarely change ~ I understand that maybe your traditions are different in India - and I am sorry that nobody believes you~I will pray and be thinking of you as I am afraid that you are going to have a very tough road ahead of you!!

Answer 5

If you sit down in a chair and it was the only one left and you found that the chair had a crack in it that was pinching your buttox. Your only alternative is to leave and find another place to visit for company.
You did that, and now you are thinking about going back to that place and sit in that chair again.
I would hope that you are not so far gone that you would not be able to find a human being to share your life with.
There is no way that anyone can change their basic nature. You must maintain your separation or no one can help you. Those are the facts of life, that you must live with. He will only get worse if he feels that he is the only one that you can find to live with. In your mind he is a different person than the one that abused you because we tend to forget hardships and only remember the good things. In this case there are not enough good things to overcome the bad. Don't make the same mistakes all over again, please.

Answer 6

Baby, please don't get back with him! I lived for years with someone who acted like a sweet guy who was the perfect husband and father, but he was really a pathological liar, and he wouldn't be physically close to me. I cried myself to sleep for years. Finally I got the courage to leave because I was so unhappy, and felt so isolated from other people. When I went out to have time out, he'd call my cell phone and check up on me. He'd be mad and distant when I got back. I was just going to the movies or somewhere to read and hang out quietly, and he was distrustful of me.

I say all that to tell you that your spirit will lose the natural joy of living that you deserve, and you won't be as good a mom as you could be because you will be weighed down by the unhappiness your husband brings into your life.

I could tell you so many things, but the bottom line is what you said at the end of your question. You and your family know his true character. You are precious and there can be such joy and peace and happiness by going through the loneliness and difficulty of being alone for awhile until you're ready to find a really good and loving man.

Wait for a man who will treat you like you're his princess, and will love your children because they're a part of you, his beloved. It will happen if you're brave enough to let go of the man who hurt you. Big hugs, little sister..jem

Answer 7

I am so sorry you went through this. I have been through the same. Unfortunately even with counseling,abusive people do not change who is at the core of their being. All they change is their will to control the urge to strike out.And just like a smoker that changes a habit and then takes up the same habit 2 yrs later,an abuser can change their mind on controlling those urges.There will be backsliding and times of abuse.Maybe not as severe, but it will be there. Are you prepared to deal with that? Have you learned to speak up and tell the people around you,about his behavior? If you haven't told anyone about his illness, then how will anyone be able to save you or help you if he returns to his abuse? No one here can tell you what is right for you, you need to decide for yourself. Just ask yourself, "Am I strong enough to go through this again? and "Do I have a strong support system in place? I wish you the best!

Answer 8

It should be obvious what to do. It seems you know what to do. It also seems that there are other ties that you are holding on to. Some people can change most do not. This is true for you as well. You are in need of a self esteem boost. Please consider what you are thinking because it seems like you want the abuse if you are considering going back. I am only human and have troubles of my own. What puts a smile on your face? What puts a bruise?

Answer 9

So why are you getting back together with him?

From what little you've written here it sounds like you would be better off separated forever from him. Even if was difficult on your own it doesn't seem like it would be worse than if you stayed with him.

Edit: He sounds like my psycho mother who used to beat the crap out of us almost every day of our lives for whatever made up reason would come to mind, but when she was around other people she would tell them what angels we were and what a wonderful mother she was to us.

You can't "handle" these type of people, trying to do things "just so" in an attempt to keep them from exploding on you. It just never lasts for long and you end up living your life with them in agony, both physically and mentally. If you live in the United States there are shelters and programs to help you. One is Safehorizon. Their toll free number is 1-800-621-4673.

Answer 10

How do you get through it? Remember the abuse, Remember how much it hurt, then go in that court with a smile on your face knowing you have made a Life Changing Decision to leave him.
You dont need this man at all in your life, Use this opportunity to let go.