I've been married 12 years, and every single year we invite everyone in our family (mine and his...cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) over for a get together. Every year my mil refuses to come. She's even turned down invites to her ONLY grandchildrens' birthdays, because other people will be there. We keep inviting, but she still refuses. She says she just doesn't feel comfortable in large groups of people she doesn't know. But how will she ever get to know them, if she doesn't show? She has only seen my parents once in 12 years and that was at our wedding. Any suggestions on a way to convince her to come anyway? She's quite stubborn. But it's very important to us that she attend this year, as we've been out of the area for a few years, and the traditional gathering has been put on me, now that my grandmother is dead.
2006-10-21 17:00:27 · 8 answers · asked by kari w 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Holidays ➔ Christmas
I don't think you should expect to change her overnight, this is who she is. Have a talk with her about how important it is to you and your husband that she be a part of your celebrations. Ask her to spend time (celebrating birthdays, holidays, etc.) with the children only (it is important). Then, ask her to attend SMALL gatherings of family and friends. Maybe, just maybe, she will get to know people/be comfortable in that situation. Once she feels comfortable with that small group of people, she might not be reluctant if a few more were in attendance at the next celebration. I know this will not be an easy process, and it will take time - but it IS very important to the family, especially to the kids. Here's another option (and probably the best):
Is there any way you can figure out why she is like this? Any chance she'll see a professional? Identifying the problem is the first step in solving it. She would benefit sooo much if she had contact / interaction with family members. This has got to be a terrible situation to be in - Best of Luck, and don't give up.
2006-10-21 17:23:05 · answer #1 · answered by Memphis qt 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sound like she has a true phobia. Think about it, any other anti-social perosn would at least show up, eat and drink the free stuff and run, but she doesn't even do that.
Inviter her over to a small gahering the night before, just your nuclear family. Have her get involved in the preparations for the next day party, even if she wont attend. If you do that a few time, maybe sometime in the future, your husband will feel comfortable enough to suggest therapy for this problem. And who knows she might one day just get really psyched by seing all the decorations and the preparations and decide to stay for the party, even if fors just half an hour. And the following year, maybe 45 min, and son on...
I do not have a social phobia but do feel a little overwhelmed at huge family gatherings. I just ask if I can lay down for an hour in a quiet room and then come back to the party and can enjoy myself better. This could help her too.
2006-10-22 05:21:39 · answer #2 · answered by TrueSoul 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow - sounds like quite a hang-up!
Not sure that you should really pressure her - but maybe ask her if there is anything you can do to make it happen... explain to her what you just told us....
I have a great grandmother who is the exact same way.... she only spends time with two members of the family and no one else likes them so we can't stomach going to see her too often because if she isn't at home with those two cousins of mine, she just complains about everything.
Come to think of it - you might just have to write it off as lost cause.... I don't have a better answer.
2006-10-22 00:06:41 · answer #3 · answered by rabble rouser 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have her over the night before and let her stay overnight so that she's nice and comfortable, relaxed and settled. Then as other people arrive she's there to greet and meet them, one-by-one. She won't be walking into a large gathering, she'll be meeting people one at a time and it'll be like they're coming to visit her as she's already in your house.
Either that or have her meet people in smaller numbers before Christmas so that when Christmas comes along she'll have met everyone before then.
2006-10-22 00:03:59 · answer #4 · answered by TonyB 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would put the kids on the phone, first instructing them to plead and beg gma. If that doesn't do the trick, have kiddos make a homemade invitation and send it to her. If this does not work you really have a tough one on your hands. Maybe a small gathering just for her??
2006-10-22 00:06:27 · answer #5 · answered by whrldpz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds as though she has a phobia or a mental health problem. She needs a doctor. Forcing her to come would cause her to have a panic attack. There really is an illness called social anxiety disorder.
2006-10-22 00:19:27 · answer #6 · answered by winkcat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, you can't change a person. Just continue to invite her, and accept her decisions. Perhaps one day she will feel bad enough about missing out to join in, but if she doesn't it's her choice, and no one can say you didn't try.
2006-10-22 00:09:22 · answer #7 · answered by Nikki 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She could truly have a social phobia, or she could just be a passive aggressive b****. I can't tell. You could always go over to *her* house if it's so important that you and your kids see her.
Oh, and doesn't your husband have anything to say about this?!
2006-10-22 00:03:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋