We have been married 7 years. During a fight he told me it was because I had gained weight. I'm 5'10, 185lbs. I know I'm overweight. It has made me really resentful since he said that to me. I work 2 jobs, do everything in the world for him. Is it reallyall about the physical attraction? I see alot of people bigger than me that have some one showing them attention. I would appreciate suggestions. It really makes me want to talk to someone that will make me feel good about myself again.
2006-10-21 15:39:15 · 39 answers · asked by OkcRN 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I know that 5'10", 185 pounds is technically overweight, but I'll bet you actually don't look that pudgy. (Speaking as someone who is six inches shorter and, cough-cough, has a few pounds on you. And whose husband hasn't had, um, problems with the fat issue in the bedroom.)
I don't think the not having sex is about the weight per se. He might prefer you a little thinner, but what he said strikes me as the kind of thing someone might toss out in the heat of anger.
Sex can be kind of a thermometer for the health of a marriage. There are lots of reasons couples quit having sex - physical problems, control issues or stress in the marriage, getting bored. You may be able to figure out some of what's going on in your particular situation if you think back to what's happened in the last few years. For example, did the sex sort of taper off in quality and quantity? Are the two of you having money or kid issues? What kinds of things are hot buttons for the two of you other than sex?
A frank, non-accusatory discussion with your husband about your marriage might be in order. A good place to start might be seeing a therapist. Often men are leery of seeing therapists because they don't want to be ganged up on by their wife and the therapist, or they don't want to be dunned with complaints. They also tend to not enjoy discussions about "the relationship". But see if you can get him to go - explain to him that you really just want the marriage to work, and this isn't so much about who's right or wrong.
If he won't, try to go yourself. The therapist may have some ideas for things you can do or try yourself, or some idea about what's really going on. And yes, the therapist can also help you work on feeling good about yourself again, which is incredibly important - not only do you deserve that, but if you don't feel good about yourself, it's going to be hard to do anything positive about your marriage.
Good luck!
2006-10-21 15:59:12 · answer #1 · answered by IrritableMom 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's called shallowness. I am 190 when my hubby and I met 8 years ago I was 159. If you work 2 jobs to support him and those type things there is a big problem. You have the right to be resentful as well. When you got married you said the vows. I'm sure he isn't going to be much better. Honey if you feel happy with your weight then good. My hubby loves me for all I am. Yeah, well the not having sex is probably because he made you feel bad. Do you have children? That doesn't make losing weight any easier. Bigger isn't always bad. As long as you are healthy and fit what is wrong with being on the heavier side. I am healthier than some thinner women. You should not let some prick make you feel bad because he doesn't like changes. If he wasn't going to accept changes he should have thought twice about getting married. :) Sry, my hubby tells me every day I am the most beautiful woman on the planet.
2006-10-21 15:58:30 · answer #2 · answered by Kelly s 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Of course it's all about physical attraction - always has been, always will be. And yes, you are way overweight. However, it is his responsibility just as well as yours to confront the problem, get it out in the open, and deal with it like two civilized adults. You are married, till death do you part. You made a covenant with God so there is always a way to work it out. Get serious and get positive - stop waiting for someone else to make a move or offer solution. You do it. Diet, work out, loose that weight and regain your true beauty. It is not okay to be big - it is unhealthy and unsightly. It is not okay to be a jerk about it, either, so if he's not confronting the issue then be brave enough to confront him with it. Do it now - stop waiting.
2006-10-21 16:25:05 · answer #3 · answered by mellow 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like 7-year itch, you need to rev this up and fast. Start having a date night once a week, with no expectation of sex. Agree that you will just get dressed up to the max, go out for dinner and flirt like crazy, go clubbing or other fun things. Talk about the memories you have of good times and things you did, and said to each other. Then when you come home just cuddle, and kiss on the sofa with a glass of wine, then off to bed for more cuddling. I bet if you do this a few times, you will start to want to have sex at the end of the night. Just discuss this first and then make sure both of you agree to give it your all.
2016-03-28 03:39:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, maybe you could lose some weight. Men are visual when it comes to sexual arousal. I don't think it means he doesnt love you though.
Don't be mad and resentful at him if you have put on a noticable amount of weight. Reverse the tables.
It does not mean you are not a good, loving person but you are talking about sexual attraction in this question not love. Keep the problem in context. Stop doing everything for him and don't "chase him". If he thinks its easy he wont want it.
2006-10-21 16:01:20 · answer #5 · answered by gulf9191 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow...umm...well...
DON'T CHEAT! That won't help the situation at all. Talking to him is probably the best thing to do if you want to remedy this situation. You don't want to make him feel like he has to have sex with you, because if you use that approach, it won't be too beneficial. He'll either still not have sex with you, or he'll do it and neither one of you will like it.
If the issue is about actually getting HIM to have sex with you, then there's a lot of ways to approach that. Be creative. Make it interesting for both of you...
If you just want sex PERIOD, then get some toys and have fun! lol
But be sure to let him know how you feel. If that doesn't work, it might be time to reevaluate your situation.
Good luck and God bless.
P.S. Being 5'10" and 185 lbs. really isn't that bad at all. I'm sure you are still as gorgeous as the day he met you.
2006-10-21 15:54:43 · answer #6 · answered by youngrodzilla 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
That just pisses me off !! He should love u for u (whats inside) not out!! At first looks are inportant but in the end love should be all it takes. I've been married for ten years! When I got married I weighed 130 lbs now ten years and two kids later I weigh 210 lbs and I'm 5'6 and ya know my husband loves me just the same!! And if ur hubby is any kind of a man he will understand that people change and Love U For U!! I hope this helps and good luck !!
2006-10-21 15:45:59 · answer #7 · answered by pam 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He can only treat you how you treat yourself. The resentment and self hatred you hold inside is not hidden, he can see it too. You have to love yourself with the extra weight in all. Someone once told me that we show men how to treat us and you are not showing your husband how to treat you because you don't treat yourself that way. He is not to blame, he is only a mirror image of what you are doing to yourself internally. You told yourself that you hate the extra pounds before he did.
The only advice I have for you is to get active on losing the extra pounds, join the gym learn a new dance like salsa, jog etc.
You can sign up for alot of activities and do alot of stuff but it won't make the difference until you get honest with youself. Ask youself, honestly, why you decided to put on weight in the first place. something happened,and you told yourself that you were not good enough.
Forgive yourself for that decision and then do something about it and let that old part of yourself shed away with the pounds.
He will start to notice your confidence coming back.
Good luck, and let me know how you progress. By next week you should have done something loving for yourself.
2006-10-21 15:48:03 · answer #8 · answered by lee 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you feel overweight just try to loose a coupla pounds. If your husband said it in a fight there was some truth behind it. You will feel better and he will wanna - you know - Maybe you could try something really erotic to get his attention. Come on strong like you are a ***** Men usually cant resist it. I bite my guy on his stomach and right below his waist. The rise is instant every time. Good luck honey. I hope it works out ok
2006-10-21 15:45:09 · answer #9 · answered by pryncess 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like you need to find another man. This one sounds like a selfish pig! Why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself! Love is about what is inside and how you make each other feel, not about appearances. Most men loss their hair and get guts in their old age, not to mention ear hair and all that other unattractive stuff that they fall victim to, so should you turn away from him because he doesn't look like the man that you meet? If he is only in this for the looks then you can do soooooo much better.
2006-10-21 16:17:05 · answer #10 · answered by KO 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋