I need comments and critcism on my new unfinished song lyrics?

Question

It has no title yet.


She savors the taste
of the needle's kiss
Tear stains, smeared make-up
Blistering white lips

She wraps me tightly
in her poison arms
Whispers inaudibly
"I'll do you no harm"

I know she loves me
She tells me so
She's lying facedown
in a coffin of snow

The white lady she visits
in the depths of my rest
New worlds to dream
and hope to ingest

I find comfort in knowing
that she'll let me fly
The others they held me
down on Earth just to die

I know she loves me
She tells me so
She's lying facedown
in a coffin of snow

The violence is birthed
in veins full of hate
I rely on the metal
but find no escape

The faces they greet me
in stillness they shine
They're kings in the light
but the darkness is mine

I cried out to silence
those voices that weep
In my head getting louder
as I drift off to sleep

Heard of Elliott Smith? I'm thinking of the sound of his early music.

Answer 1

now I want to hear the melody, that is awesome!

Answer 2

Dear SadCore: My personal opinion and nothing but a personal opinion is this: You have a lovely ability with words. You can write lovely poetic stanzas. They offer the reader sharp pictures or inner visions of what the stanza is saying. You have poetic ability.

My only concern is that the truth or point of the poem is not easily accessible. It made me sad . . .but, I'm not certain I understand its message. In the first stanza I don't understand who "She" is. A real person, or a symbol for something else? Does the female in the first stanza become God? A female God? In stanzaz 4 and 5 "She" seems to have become God?

The last two stanzas I can understand better. You are spiritually oriented and speaking of our light and stillness in Eternity with our Creator. But on Earth the darkness is yours for the Great Separation from the Creator was by Agreement with your brothers who have held you to earth.

This is what I understood in those stanzas that were understandable to ME. But, not enough stanzas were accessible to me - having "knowing" of what the poet was truly saying.

This, again, is all personal opinion, but I would recommend taking your talent and making certain your listeners, or readers, will definitely understand what you are thinking.

After a second reading I came to feel that you may be speaking of "the Lady" as in Heroin - that drug users speak of. Since most people are NOT druggies, a LIMITED audience would know what you were speaking of. Your name is SadCore. That hurts me, and makes me saddened.

Since I am a spiritual teacher I tend to read at least the last two stanzas through spiritual light. But, perhaps druggies know what you write better than I.

I would ask you to help your Self, IF this is drug oriented. Find the right teacher for your Self. It's not a white Lady.

You see, I HAVE the light and the stillness and wonderous dreams and am certain of hopeful things. But, I have the Holy Spirit.

Please comment to me in "Comments" after you resolve your Best Answer on this. I would like to know if this was drug oriented or what the main point was. Thank you.

Best regards, Lana

Answer 3

I like the rhyme and usage in the passages but am left a little confused as to the message - I get it but then again I don't because the message got corrupted for the rhyme. Still nice though. I'd work it through a little more. If you would be so kind send me a final and maybe I could help you get it published. Any tunes to go with this? [e-mail]

Answer 4

These lyrics are all from the track "Funny The Way It Is" via Dave Matthews Band. Read the entire lyrics, they're so significant and actual! Lying within the park on a lovely day, Sunshine within the grass, and the youngsters play. Siren's passing, hearth engine purple, Someone's condo is burning down on an afternoon like this? The night time comes and we are putting out, On the entrance step, and a automobile rolls via with the home windows rolled down, And that conflict track is gambling, "why can not we be peers?" Someone iss screaming and crying within the condominium upstairs Funny the best way it's, if you happen to suppose approximately it Somebody's going hungry and any person else is consuming out Funny the best way it's, no longer correct or fallacious Somebody's middle is damaged and it turns into your favourite track The manner your mouth feels to your fanatics kiss Like a beautiful chook on a breeze or water to a fish A bomb blast brings a constructing crashing to the ground You can pay attention the laughter, even as the youngsters play "conflict" Funny the best way it's, if you happen to suppose approximately it One child walks 10 miles to university, a further's falling by the wayside Funny the best way it's, no longer correct or fallacious On a soldier's final breath his little one's being born Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing beneath me It need to've been a lot tougher while there used to be no bridge, simply water Now the sector is small. Remember the way it was once, With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars? Watch the sky, the jet planes, to this point out of my succeed in Is there any person up there watching down on me? Boy chase a chook, so near however whenever He'll by no means trap her, however he can not give up attempting Funny the best way it's, if you happen to suppose approximately it One child walks 10 miles to university, a further's falling by the wayside Funny the best way it's, no longer correct or fallacious On a soldier's final breath his little one's being born Funny the best way it's, nor correct or fallacious Somebody's damaged middle turns into your favourite track Funny the best way it's, if you happen to suppose approximately it A child walks 10 miles to university, a further's falling by the wayside. Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing beneath me It need to've been a lot tougher while there used to be no bridge, simply water Now the sector is small. Remember the way it was once, With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars?

Answer 5

and is this a love song? sounded pretty sad dude. I have to listen to the background music at the same time to actually judge this piece, but literally, it sounds great man. It has the um.. gothic feels in it, pretty mysterious and majestic

Answer 6

omfg! i absolutely love the lyrics! do you have a myspace page? when you record something, be sure to get one to start off your career.

Now for the title, something about either dreams or not living up to what your able to do. if i think of something, i'll add to this. Good Luck!

Answer 7

For someone who claimed to have 13 inches in a previous question, what have you got to be so depressed about?!

Answer 8

Very good! I'd like to hear the instrumental part of it, but it sounds awesome!

Answer 9

that`s good. if you want it longer, just repeat some lyrics, like the lyrics "she savors the taste" paragraph. that`s a good one.
name it "she`s mine" or something. keep up the good work!

Answer 10

vague. "lips" rhyme is unpleasant.

The faces they greet me
in stillness they shine
They're kings in the light
but the darkness is mine

this is good.

I don't know what it's about: death, drugs?

Answer 11

I love it!

Very talented! Reminds me of MY chemical romace a little.