year after year, of once or twice a month sex, and yes I'm doing all of the appropriate things, chores around the house, taking care of the kids, helping with dinner, offering massages, romantic gestures, etc.
What is the solution?
Everyone says "don't cheat, it's better to get a divorce first". But there are children involved and divorced men have to pay huge child support for many years, not to mention the stigma of being the "weekend dad" like so many others. Other than the sex thing the marriage is great, we have a nice house, and jobs, and family that would all be ruined in a divorce, but how much am I supposed to put my needs on the back burner. (and yes we have talked about this, I need real advice here)
2006-10-21 10:15:20 · 35 answers · asked by medic 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
HAVE AN AFFAIR...
Sounds to me like you've done all u could do....
So why not??
Have an affair w/ someone in the same situation...
The romance will put spark back in your life! It will make you a better person because you are happy! If you don't release this energy you will only end up turning to food, drink or pornography which also devastates marriages..
By finding a "well rounded " lady friend that's married you are both fulfilling an emptiness! Be mature about this! It CAN work.
Those that told u : don't do it! have not walked in your shoes....
Those that say : get a divorce first r not "listening" to your problem....they r just giving you the standard answer.
You know where you'll find unfulfilled women?? at the mall, in the bookstores, library etc...doing things to keep their minds off of a "sexless" marriage just like i used to do before i left my man....
Did you know, your wife may already b having an affair?? Unless she is unhappy with her looks, there is no physical reason y a woman does not have interest in sex. R u in good condition?? Start going out, doing things, gym, hanging with guys, she will start to give u some to keep u at home....
It is so heart wrenching to "want" to do the right thing...but the cards are stacked against you. So play the hand your dealt with!
Start today! Stop trying to have sex with her! It will be hard at first..but get up early go for a run, or take the kids out without her!! Chat up the "soccer moms" ... take the kids out to gether in a group then cozy up to the new lady.
Exercise is an excellent way to release sexual energy! Visualize in your mind the kind of life u want...if you've got it together so much, you can handle a second woman....Start looking at women more directly,take in the different types of women out there!! Wear a nice cologne everday, everywhere, women luv cologne and we chat about a man that smells good! A sexy man has good, good, manners..."that good ole boy charm" works every time. When you find someone, and you will. Pay for everything! Be a gentleman. Take woman #2 out, meet for lunch/breakfast & call her at unexpected times..when you're together do EVERYTHING that u can't do with wifey...LIVE!! u've only got one life that we know of......tell woman#2 about your dreams & hopes & yes ,even your disappointments.
What your wife refused to give to you.You have simply found it somewhere else! SHE is breaking the vows WITHIN the sanctity of marriage.You have done nothing ..yet....
Listen, not too many people can swim in the ocean, but lot's try....take a dip, ride a wave, swim back to shore if u c a shark.
I m thinking of u, I support whatever decision u make okay..i wil not judge you...don't let anybody else do so either...this is tween u & Him..
Luv, Shay
2006-10-21 11:00:20 · answer #1 · answered by Mee-OW =^..^= 7 · 6⤊ 5⤋
It really does sound like you have a great marriage, I guess all women are different when it comes to sex. Unless you get inside of her head you'll probably never know. Sometimes people take things for granted at times but really don't mean to. The stress of everyday life, work and raising kids do tend to get in the way. One would think that if you have spoken to her about this she may open her eyes. If you can, try to take her for a weekend of "just the two of you" time. Have someone watch the kids, you don't have to go far or spend tons of money. Sometimes the little things can make a big difference. Maybe this will help her see how much you do need her in other ways than cleaning and cooking.
2006-10-22 06:48:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps your wife is struggling with something. It could be a low sex drive, it could be depression or maybe she feels her needs aren't being met. I know you said you do all the right things, but maybe there's something she's not saying. Communication is key, and if you've already talked then it may be time to talk with a marriage counsellor. It sounds extreme, but it's not! It's better to nip this in the bud now before you or her think about cheating or leaving. For the sake of the children and your marriage you should do this. He/she will have expert advice that is tailored to your needs - much more than someone can do on her with only one side to the story. If she has some sort of illness (depression, low sex drive etc.) it needs to be diagnosed and treated now .. good luck and don't give up and become a cheater. That will be ultimately more damaging than anything else.
2006-10-21 10:21:36 · answer #3 · answered by Missy 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
of course every woman will say your great etc. and they will never do anything like that and the have no idea why she is doing that.....BUT the fact is MOST married men report the same or similar behavior from their wives...
Which means women just dont know how to keep a good thing...endure as long as you can, if the kids are close to being 18 wait and save your cash for your big day...THE DAY YOU LEAVE HER.
If they are very young save your cash in a hidden account, refi the house and pocket a large some of the cash and when the time is right do your thing.
I feel sorry for everyman that fell into the marriage trap, because its a trap and nothing less...a man has good intentions and does the right thing yet always get burned. I advise every single man to read this post again and again and take heed to the warning DO NOT GET MARRIED, DO NOT GET MARRIED...for no reason what so ever DO NOT GET MARRIED
2006-10-21 10:45:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Take a good look at how you "initiate sex" it may be that what you are doing doesn't work for her. Try changing your technique with intimacy as the goal not orgasm. Does she EVER initiate? She may have a hormonal imbalance. This can be easily remedied.
Don't cheat. But if you really feel like you NEED more sexual release than she is willing or able to provide discuss your needs with her and the option of taking another partner who can fulfill those needs. Assure her that she will always be number one in your life. A lot of people believe it's not cheating if you're not lying. You have three options; fix it, leave it, or accept it.
2006-10-21 10:26:06 · answer #5 · answered by Heathery Lane 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Well it sounds like you are doing all the right things but you need to make it clear that you have needs that need to be met. Tell her once or twice a month is not cutting it for you. Tell her that you are having thoughts of other women because you are being deprived. Tell her that you feel bad about these thoughts but you have to have sex more then what she is allowing you two to have. Ask her if you can do anything different with her that she might like and really enjoy. Kids or no kids job or no job there is always time to have sex.
2006-10-21 11:40:27 · answer #6 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Communication is the key!! Let her know that you need her to show you some true affection and that lovemaking is important to you and you want to show her how much you love her etc....What more can you do?? If she just doesnt want sex then ask her if she wants or need you to play away? She has to know that men especially have needs in the sex department its a normal hormonal thing. I feel bad for you but dont really have the answer...Maybe she needs to go to the doctor and discuss her lack of desire...maybe she has something wrong with her...is she on any medication that might be causing the lack of libido? Anti depressants or anything like that? Maybe shes lacking in some hormones or something.. your patience will eventually run out one day. Good luck with any decisions that you make...
2006-10-21 10:22:01 · answer #7 · answered by Lynne B 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I think sometimes women forget that sex is a NEED that men have. I think if your wife loves you she wouldn't withhold that from you, even with a low sex drive. There is a Christian based author Kevin Leman that writes wonderful books on this topic. The one that helped hubby and I is called "Sheet Music". I would not consider cheating if I were you. It will only make matters worse...and buddy if you think divorce would be bad while you were being faithful...just imagine how bad it would be if she caught you cheating. Good Luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
2006-10-21 10:46:18 · answer #8 · answered by bamachick 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I feel your pain I am in the same exact situation, my wife told me to jack off. I wash clothes I do dishes she sounds like my wife. I am tired of people telling me to talk to her, I tried and I am still waiting. I bought her a house in a better neighborhood, and still she can't find the energy to make love to her husband. I can't leave two kids new house I would have to live in a cardboard box. I know several married men in our situation and next thing you know they get divorced because the wife says she is not in love with you. As men we need to feel wanted to, it would be nice if at least once a week or twice a week our wives would make us feel like the good men we are. We need to start a club so at least we could go somewhere when we get turned down. Keep your head up if you find a solution please let me know how you got thru to her.
2006-10-21 10:42:09 · answer #9 · answered by rjsr40 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Ditto here. But because I love her I am willing to wait until she is ready. Cheating is not an option. Find out what the problem is. This is something that needs to be talked about so you just have to wait. My questions to you are. Do you love her? Is she worth the wait? does she open up to you when you ask her about it? have you talked to a councilor? we went to council ling and it has worked wonders things are a thousand times better. I found out my wife has other issues that I had no idea about. but the main thing is to talk. divorce is only for abuse or infidelity. do what you need to at all costs to make it work for you both. If you really need to get satisfaction you could take matters to hand. If she is willing a sexy lap dance from her or even just petting.
2006-10-21 10:30:31 · answer #10 · answered by regg 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋