I'm 13 and I've just found out that I have a stepsister. I'm confused, can anyone help?

Question

Okay, so 2 years ago, my mom introduced me to this 24 year old woman, telling me she's a family friend. Afterwards, she kept asking me what I thought about her, whether I liked her or not, which I found weird, but I didn't dwell on it. The point is I liked her and we gradually became friends.
Recently, my grandmother told me that she's my stepsister. At first, I thought it was a joke because she said it casually, as if she was expecting me to know already. I was so shocked I cried that day and I couldn't even breath for a long time. When I asked my mom about it, she denied it all. But I kept hearing all these pieces of information from everywhere and I was getting confused. Finally, my mom told me that she's my stepsister indeed, but after some time she said that she may not be related to me, that my dad may have just adopted her, but I didn't believe her, I can tell when she's lying.
For a very long time, I've lived in confusion and doubt because no one was willing to (see details)

tell me the truth. Whenever I asked my parents about it, they just laughed or tried to avoid the subject by making lame jokes, but I always saw something in their eyes that made me doubt them.

So I've finally gathered my courage and asked my dad directly. It took me a long time to convince him, but he talked to me. So it seems that my father has been married for 10 years with another woman, had this child that I've considered my mere friend for the past 2 years, then divorced and married my mom...

What I want to ask you is how should I feel about this whole thing? I'm not mad at my parents for hiding this from me (even though they told me they were afraid I would start hating them). Ironically, I'm not mad at them at all. I always hear about kids who ran away or killed themselves after finding out something like this and this makes me things that my parents are guilty.
I'd appreciate it if your answers would gravitate around these questions, please:

1. Are my parents guilty? Could they be considered unfair for hiding this from me and my little sister (I have a 11 year old sister) for so long?
2. What upset me is that EVEN when they had the chance to tell me, they refused and kept denying. I understand if they didn't want to tell me because they didn't know how, but why did they keep refusing when I asked them myself? Wasn't that supposed to make it easier for them?
2. Why don't I hate them, although I should?

Answer 1

Ah, reminds me of how I found out I was adopted. My sister (also adopted and of no blood relation as it turned out) was in the basement looking for Christmas presents about a month before Christmas and happened to open a filing cabinet we never really looked in before. My parents were out and had left us at home (she was 12, I was 9). Anyway, she came racing up the stairs screaming and crying. I came down and found her holding some files. One was on her and the other was on me. It was all the records. My parents claim they would have told us when we were old enough to understand but it did my sister no favors finding out right as she was heading into that nasty adolescent identity-crisis everyone goes through.

I'm not sure how long they would have waited before telling us, or how they would have even brought it up. I wasn't really upset and by the time I hit my identity crisis, I had already known about my blank history for a good 4 or 5 years and actually used it to my advantage. If I didn't like who I was, I could just change my past and who would be there to dispute it. Not even my own parents knew who I was (genetically).

I found my biological family when I was 24 and have become very close to them over the last 3-1/2 years. I have two more sisters and a brother (22, 20, and 19) now, and my older sister I grew up with has a half brother who's my age.

I would say your parents aren't guilty for not telling you and I would whole-heartedly believe them when they say they were scared to. They were probably waiting for the right time. That said, however, denying it after you already knew should have never been their way of dealing with it--and I would tell them so if you haven't already. You should have got your grandmother involved in pinning your parents down to quickly resolve any questions you had. Lastly, try not to let this affect you too much. Just embrace the family you have + one more member. Also, you now have an older sister to look up to--its great that you are friends.

Answer 2

Well, I would say that you shouldn't hate your parents no matter what they've done. I wouldn't hate my parents if they told me that I had a stepsister. Actually, I would be reacting like you are. Your parents aren't guilty. Before you found out about your stepsister, they may have felt like telling you about her (and the rest of her family) was just opening up a can of worms, so to speak. I mean, you guys are a happy family, why would they want to bring your dad's past in to things? So, I don't think that they're guilty in that respect. When they didn't tell you when you came right out and asked them? I think that was wrong. But, think about it for a sec. They were probably scared. Like you said, many other girls have commited suicide because of situations like yours. They didn't want that to happen to you. That's probably why they avoided telling you for so long. I hope this helped clarify things for you a little bit. P.S. Please try to get along with your stepsister, for your dad's sake. He's probably going through a lot with her showing up again. I mean, she is his daughter too. Try and love her (as a friend) I don't know if you could ever love her like a sister, but she's so much older than you that I doubt you'll have too. Good luck!

Answer 3

I agree that you have a right to be a little hurt and confused about this whole thing , but no one can tell you why they continued to lie to you .
No matter what my children have ever done I have never for one minute stopped loving them . The same goes for my Mom , I could never hate the woman that brought me into this life . There is a strong bond there , that is why you can't be mad too long . Let them know that you are growing up and you want to be told the truth from now on .
You will be just fine , you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders .

Answer 4

you can never hate someone you love..i believe your parents were wrong in deceiving you but they were only trying to protect you from the past that apparently your dad was ashamed of..does your sister know?? how does she feel..?? don't dwell on how you found out though ..you are good friends build the bond..and if your sister knew youshould feel the same at her as you do your parents but you can't can you??all of us do or say things that aren't necissarly right to do at some time or anoher..they wanted to protect you..after all they did introduce her to you didn't they??they could have never told you..go on with your life nothing good will come of resenting them..you have lost enough years with her just embrace your family..all of your family because not every one is fortunate to meet their other siblings or lost loved ones..good luck be strong and try to understand the things you can and the ones you can't let go..you are young and very mature for your age..embrace life ..live life to its fullest and don't worry about yesterday or today you can't chance but tomorrow you can..

Answer 5

That's Life Pudding
When I was 15 I found out that the man I knew as my aunt's boyfriend was in fact my father. They kept it a secrect from me for all this time because they couldn't really face the truth themselves. Adults sometimes hid things from us so that we don't get hurt but the secret really hurts us more.
Don't be mad just move ahead. Build a beautiful realtionship with your sister. I found out I had an older sister too and I couldn't imagine being without her now.

Answer 6

They kept this from you, thinking they were protecting you, sometimes people assume the worst.

As you are assuming that you should (Hate) when in fact you are loving and accepting of this 1/2 sister, who's also your friend, so you have learned that she is now related by marriage only, nothing else.

No need to feel hate, only love.
Other people should not be allowed to effect you, it's a choice.

Answer 7

I understand what you are saying the thing is some parents can be married before they meet their spouse now...

My parents both married before they met each other and I know what you are asking when you found out about you're step sister... It can be hard, but it'll be okay it's better that you found out now than 10 years down the line..

Answer 8

it was ur dads life why he left his wife in the first place he must be having his own reasons. now that u r with ur mom and have ur own sis too and u also like this new comer u should reconcile and relax ur life will be less stressfull. hope i have shared my feelings with u. my mission in life is to help as many people that i can whilst anm alive. i have helped about tens of thosands abs free. no charges life is too short to hanker 4 mone alone

Answer 9

I had the same problem.
I didn't know my dad was going to be married until 5 days before.
It was wrong for your mom not to tell you, you have the right to know.
Talk to me if you want more support. I'm here for you