Getting fed up with my religious Indian mum.What can I do?

Question

Today is diwali and I have gone through the motions of doing the praying, firworks etc....mainly to please my mum. I am 31 and I live with my mum but making plans over the coming months to leave. Is thisa the best response..to go along with it....my mum brought us up to be religious so she would be offended and see me as a black sheep if I do not the tow the line. Gradually over the years I have stopped believing in religion per se although I do respect the underlying constructs..its all the tradition , festivals etc which I find I cannot stand. I have lived at home since 2000 and feel I have missed out on a lot of fun which my white work mates get up to and this has been beause there is strong emphasis om me doing things with the family rather than by my self. Plus my mum took all my money. Everything is going to change as I am lieing to move away from her as I feel I have no identity of my own and no con fidence to make my own decisions and do my own
thing.Am I doing the right thin

Answer 1

oh just do what your heart sez for once n see if it works well for u:)
if it does keep doing your way..if doesnt go with the flow:)
simple

Answer 2

Happy Diwali.
Sounds like you have more of a controlling parent problem than a religion problem. But then I've heard and read that in some countries a big part of the traditions are that parents have absolute control over their children no mater how old they get! Something very hard for an American like me to understand or approve.
My first reaction is to tell you to do as your Mom says until such time as you can move out. Then do as you see fit, letting things fall as they may. Just remember that if you remain within the same basic culture as your Mom you may find yourself still in 'her' control as she is a part of your culture.
What ever you do, don't , as we say here, throw the baby out with the bathwater. There may be some very valuable things in the religion you have apparently turned away from. Things that can support and comfort you when you desperately need it.
Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm sorry, but are you 11 or 31? Why did you allow your mother to take all the money you worked for. You are her daughter, not her slave! Do you not have your own bank account? I know its traditional for Indian children to help support their parents, but giving her total control of your life is too much! Your mother is extremely greedy and controlling, its time to just say no more, and get out of her house before she picks a husband for you as well. you must learn that no matter what you do, she will never be satisfied, and being a girl, you are already second class in her eyes. And where is your father in all this?. I've met women like this, they always demand more from everyone, and treat everyone like servants and slaves. She will never change, if her children don't start standing up against her and pointing out just how mean spirited she really is.

Answer 4

I've a feeling that you haven't told the whole story. You have lived at home for 6 years and yet you are aged 31. I would have expected your mother, with her background, to have arranged a marriage for you long since. Perhaps she did and you have already had a life away from her and for some reason returned to the fold. Perhaps you refused to accept such an arrangement and went away years back, only to return later. You know what it is to leave home and to live away from your mother, as you did so before 2000. It seems as though it is time for you to pick up the pieces where you left off and lead the independent life which is normal for a woman of your age without husband and children.

Answer 5

Your mom raised you well, but now you believe you no longer require her influence. So act like a mature 31 year old and have a word with your mum and inform her about the sudden discord you seem to find with religion and hopefully you may come to a mutual agreement.
Your problem seems not to be about religion but that of needing space from your mum and hence you are just using religion as a scapegoat. Beware of the path you want to take, for many have walked through it thinking they were going to find happiness only to realise that it courts trouble and grief. It is a shame to notice that you are easily influenced by your white pals; what you seem to have overlooked is that they have been leading this kind of life for some time, and usually novices in lifestyle will be experimented upon. To me though you are 31, you are still immature as far as life is about. Your mum wouldn't nurture you into something not admirable to your society, so trust her vision and you will find happiness; scorn it and you will leave to regret.

Answer 6

It does sound like your problem isn't religion, but a very healthy desire to be on your own. You need to move out. Until then, go along with your mom. It's her house, and you have chosen to live there, and that means you chose to honor her wishes and her rules.

Later in live you'll come to value tradition, festival, ritual, etc. However, right now all you can feel is that you have to live your mom's life instead of your own.

By the way, happy Diwali.

Signed, a Christian.

Answer 7

suzy, greetings. You pose an interesting problem. I know some Hindu families, and fully understand the pressures a daughter feels within that environment. Kick me if I am wrong,- it`s worse for the girls! You have obviously tried celebrating Diwali , as your mothers Hindu daughter. How would she react if you treated Diwali as the many (non-Hindu) English children do? There will be many schools, associations, and ethnic communities celebrating Diwali as a simple festival of light, without the prayers. Sharing the fun, food, and of course bringing people together without bias, and bigotry. All peoples and religions enjoy a little get-together, Is there something within Diwali that you find of value? I enjoy Bonfire Night, and Christmas - as an Atheist. If you can find a little haven for yourself, away from Mum, she will in time accept you as an in dependant person who has her own life to live. Keep contact, but keep your own mind on your future. Good luck, I know it is tougher for girls, but you will do it!

Answer 8

Only you can answer you question"Am I doing the right thing?" I do not Know enough about your culture to know what impact it would have.What I do know from your question is that you sound very unhappy the way thing are. I think that at the age of 31 you are old enough to make your own decisions and live your own life as we say "you only have one life to live" You are correct that in the last 6 years you have missed a lot of fun, these years are supposed to be when you are in the prime of life. Whatever your decision, do not lose contact with you family. GOOD LUCK whatever you decide.

Answer 9

you are definatley doing the right thing hun. i was brought up by a religious mum who sent me to church 3 times a week, sometimes 4, and i absoloutly hated it. you have to stand up for yourself, taking your money is wrong. she is acting like u r 5 yrs old. show her that you are incontrol. i know the indian culture is very different from the british one, (believe me i know, my husband is pakistani and im going through the same problems again now as from childhood) but she cannot dictate your life to this extent. try to compromise, youll go to important festivals for diwali and such, but not the preying everyday. she may not like this solution, but she'd rather do that than not have a good relationship with u

Answer 10

I realize how hard it can be to face down an authority figure in your family, but man, at 31 don't you think it's time you grew a backbone and lived your life the way you wish?
If your mother would cause all the problems you're expecting, then I don't care what tradition she comes from, that's just overbearing and manipulative.

Answer 11

Wow what a hard question.
Try to talk it out with your mum and dad , If you are set on becoming independent she cannot stop you,but it would be a shame to sever links (you only have one mum).Be resolute in your decision and dont be swayed by emotional blackmail.You must follow your heart if you want happiness.
Dont grow old thinking `I Wish`-----do it.