my bf and i have been dating 6 months, he had a child with ex(she got preg on 2nd date) the baby was 3mths early so they went through alot together. She is white trash, been in jail and psycho. we met when baby was 9mths and he left her for me. she went off the deep end, stalking, threatening to kill us, courts said she could not be around baby unless she did drug test(supervised visit) she wouldn't. one day she threatens and the next day its "i wanna be a family, i love you". my bf told me i'm the love of his life and wants to marry, yet she mindf**ks him and makes him feel guilty because we "did" this to her. I just found out he has been calling her and I asked him about it. he says he cares for her but why would he hide it from me? he says its cuz it gets me upset. I don't know if he's lying. i love him and i'm a mature adult (divorced) and i want to believe him but am i being a fool? what questions should i ask him to find out the truth of the matter? sorry this was so long
2006-10-21 07:38:43 · 15 answers · asked by blu_eyed_blonde1972 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Does it get you upset for him to talk with her? Rationally, since they do have a child together, she's going to be in his life for a long time, unless she chooses otherwise.
I would simply tell him straight out that him contacting her doesn't bother you nearly as much as the deception. It's hard to trust someone who can rationalize being sneaky - and trust is a HUGE part of any relationship.
It's hard to tell if someone is lying to you, especially if they are good at it. There is no magic question. Take your time on this - don't commit until you are sure of yourself and him.
2006-10-21 07:48:19 · answer #1 · answered by Dez 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have your hands full, where is the child? if the courts state that she had to do drug test and supervised visits and she refused, the courts would have stepped in to protect the child. She is afraid to lose him and I am sure he does care for her even if it only because of their child. He is going to have to have contact with her until the child is 18. I would not worry about the calls, and from what you wrote it does upset you, so I am thinking is is just trying to keep the peace with you. As far as finding out the truth, get everyone together and talk about it... then there is no he say, she say BS going on.
2006-10-21 07:47:07 · answer #2 · answered by oracle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ask him anything just yet. Ask yourself first! Do you get upset when his ex is mentioned? How would you feel if he continued communication with her? And, if you're willing to marry him and raise his child, are you also willing to deal with her for the rest of your life? And please don't take offense to this, but just because you're divorced, does not make you mature. You're in a tough situation here, and you need to take a long hard look at what is best for you, and what you want out of this relationship. If you think at all, that her being around is going to cause problems, then you shouldn't be serious with this fellow. They share a child together. And unless he intends on petitioning the courts to remove ALL of her parental rights to that child, so you can adopt him or her, the mother will be part of your life. Think hard about this. Weigh out your options. Then if you still want to be with him and can accept your role (step parent), then sit him down an calmly talk to him about it. It's ok for you to feel anxious about it all. But to confront him about it, and make him feel like he has to choose between the two of you is only going to push him away. Ultimately, he is going to make the decision that best suits his situation...so you need to do the same thing. Good luck!!
2006-10-21 07:46:17 · answer #3 · answered by kari w 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I honestly think that theres a certain point you can get with being good. You can't cross a line, but I think that if you get a little more involved, Ask him about how she's doing, ask about the baby etc. then your Boyfriend, might end up seeing it doesn't bother you too much. You have to tell him about this though, talk about it, over a nice calm dinner. Talk about your fears, what you like, what you don't like, and how you two can work threw this together. From my Minimal experiance with guys that are dating someone but I'm just the friend, I found that they seem to connect to you more, if you say something nice about their girl, or if you ask how their girl is doing! The Future is in your hands, and your hands only at this time! Make a wise choice! Good Luck!
2006-10-21 07:44:02 · answer #4 · answered by kreatorgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this relationship needs some time to work through a few issues. Your bf is not ready to marry until he decides how he is going to respond to the ex. He needs to set some strict guidelines for her to contact him. He should have set days and times that she can call and not any others. She can always mail a letter to him if she wants to, but the calls need to be restricted. He needs to resist calling her except for set days and times. That way you will know when contact is to be made by both parties. You are to be involved with this all the way. The child isn't yours, but the relationship is.
2006-10-21 07:44:10 · answer #5 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
people with nothing to hide are up front about stuff that they know they should be. Like talking with an ex. He does feel something for her. While it may not be love or desire it may just be guilt but whatever it is he has some feeling for her and that could spell trouble for your relationship. All you can do is be supportive of him and let him know you are there and will do anything for him. But only he can decide what path he will take
2006-10-21 07:45:57 · answer #6 · answered by sirelyas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have the right to worry, but don't forget no matter how horrible she is, she is still his baby's mother. I'm sure he wants his child's mother to be part of their life and he can only hope for the best for the mom. But it doesn't mean he loves you less or will leave you for her. I'm sure if you just sit down and discuss your worries and concerns with him (since both are mature adults), you will be cleared of your worries.
2006-10-21 07:45:45 · answer #7 · answered by lil one 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
BF has some colorful friends. Any chance of moving a few states away so she can't get to you? Make it seriously clear to him that you won't tolerate any more of his outreach program to the mentally ill stalker beeyotches in his life, even if she did mother his child. Tell him you want to know she's over, and you don't right now. Then he'll choose, and he'll choose you. She is definitely mind-gaming him and he won't choose her in the final showdown. Good luck.
2006-10-21 07:43:54 · answer #8 · answered by David W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well as u can c he hasnt made his decision in what he wants or needs! Ikno you r just look out 4 him n the baby .
TRUST is what u will need if this is going to wk 4 u 2...talk to him ask 4 the truth!
2006-10-21 07:50:16 · answer #9 · answered by aka_hollar_back 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love is being able to express yourself and show how much you care being able to give your all and receive the same. Love comes from the heart but you have got to be able to give it your all.. Know the difference between love and lust……And if that is what is going on i say it is lust but as far as what to ask him i dont know because he seems like a huge liar.he didnt tell you about calling her so hes BEEN hiding it so far... I dont think hes worth it
2006-10-21 07:50:04 · answer #10 · answered by pittsburgs finest Patience 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋