My husband and I have been married for 4 years this year. We were attracted to each other when we first met for several reasons none being our personal interests besides our church.
I'm an outdoorsy person, he isn't, he's a computer geek and boardgamer and I'm not. We both happily do things the other enjoys doing but neither of us are satisfied. Also, we have nothing to talk about. We argue so much because we have different views, but we both want to fix it. How can we become closer/enjoy each other/fall in love again?
2006-10-21 07:14:55 · 24 answers · asked by Leighton 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
go to a therapist...they can give you activities to do to get closer.
2006-10-21 07:18:31 · answer #1 · answered by BB'sMom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I are semi the same.. we do not enjoy everything together.. we hrdly have much in common.. Yet we find things that we do have in common.. You and yor spouse need to talk to eachother.. If you have to each of you make a list of your likes and dislikes when it comes to activities, I am sure that you will find you do have something in common. I think it is good to also try something new, some both of you have not tried before and if you like it great, but if you don't, then you will know that you tried that activity. Also set up a time during the weekend where it can be just the two of you.. no phone, no computer, no interuptions.. Find a topic starter and then spend a few hours talking .. there ae many things to talk about.. Such as your dreams, your wishes, you comforts, your fears.... Best of Luck
2006-10-21 14:50:44 · answer #2 · answered by Gail C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I would start by talking to him. Couples counseling would be an excellent next step. The fact that you are both willing to do things that the other enjoys, even though you might not enjoy it yourself, is a big thing. It shows you care about each other. And the fact that you both recognize this and want to fix it is excellent. There are happy mediums for you both, I'm sure. And often, your differences only make you stronger. Look at the good points and his strengths. He can probably fix things that you would never have a clue about how to deal with. He probably has a very analytical way of solving problems that, along with your more practical or creative skills, make you an unbeatable combination.
There are exercises that can help you to both appreciate each other in ways that would make a difference in your arguments. I would perhaps try (together, of course) putting limitations on arguments (and thereby reducing stress for you both) and agree on how things should be discussed. Guidelines.
Agree, perhaps, to try something new together on a regular basis. Whether it's cooking together, going someplace new, hobbies, etc. The one thing to be careful of (especially if he is a bit of an introvert) is not to stress him too much to do things he doesn't believe he can do. Many computer geeks are happy (or just safe) in their own little world and may need help socializing. They can't be pushed, forced, badgered, etc. They have to want to do it for themselves as much as for you. This may not even apply, as I don't know either of you.
Anyway, I hope this helps or at least gives you a bit of perspective. Good luck!
2006-10-21 14:58:09 · answer #3 · answered by greyrider 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try marriage counseling. You need to find some common denominators; and so far -- you haven't. You had to have gotten married for reasons you aren't listing, so be honest with each other, and really listen to what the other needs. Stop bickering. Be nice to each other, appreciate what the other person brings to the relationship. Cook a meal together, go to a movie, go to the zoo; these are things to do - that don't involve alot of thinking if you like it or not. Start spending more time together; less a part, and good luck!
2006-10-21 14:29:23 · answer #4 · answered by Dawn H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication is the key to a happy marriage. Work on ways to improve the communication.
My man and I have certain words that are off limits because they will trigger an argument. We avoid those words at all costs.
Set rules for the arguments. We never argue when we are really upset because we would say the wrong thing. We wait until we are both under control and can talk it out.
We are both ready to say we are sorry if we are the ones who got out of line.
To get closer you may want to find something that neither one of you has tried before. You would both be starting at the beginning and no one would have an advantage.
2006-10-21 14:21:47 · answer #5 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. Maybe you can go on the net and look up 'hobbies' and go through it until you find a couple you can both get excited about trying.
Short of that, you don't have to participate in each others lives to be excited for the other and supportive. You can each talk about your day(s) and take an interest in learning about what the other does, even if you do not plan to do it yourself.
You were probably attracted to each other because you are different, it is alluring. Try to remember that. Be facinated with one another and try to learn from one another, not convert the other. Accept and love!
2006-10-21 14:22:35 · answer #6 · answered by David M 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They say that opposites attract and your relationship proves it. Your in the same kind of relationship that my wife and I have. It's great. Right now though, your focused on the enjoyment you are missing. Even though you know that your limitations are his strong points and vice versa, that's not enough. A couple of people have hit on the correct approach but in an extreme way. Since your the one calling for help I am assuming he is O.K. with the relationship. So you need an outdoorsy kind of experience that he will enjoy. Don't go extreme though! No need to scare the hell out of him to get his attention. Start with something small, like an amusement park. Then work your way up to things that will bring just the two of you together, alone. My wife did it by renting jet ski's for a day. Then worked our way to camping out with the knowledge that we would be back on the ski's the next day. However the night belonged to her! She is very sneaky, now that I think of it. A quiet campfire, two people snuggled just woke me up. Eventually we bought a jet ski and I crave getting out of the house. Even if we don't go jet skiing. I am hooked on the outdoors, and don't miss this computer at the times I'm out at all. Good luck.
2006-10-21 14:49:21 · answer #7 · answered by delux_version 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you both understood the predicament, you can actually do it slowly one at a time..
Say each of you do together and try to enjoy what the other do not enjoy.
Say he likes boardgame,,, try to like any one of those board games he likes to play,, play it hard until such time you get like it or addicted to it... it does happen.
Then let him also find time to go with you to any outdoors you want to go which he would also try to enjoy once in a while to get him out of that computer,, He will soon find out that going outdoor once in a while is relaxing not only to the body but also to the nerves and the soul.
I am also a computer addict for the past 18 years, spends up to 16 hours in games and internet, but I have change this,,, since my eyes and health are taking its toll.
The earlier he finds this out the better.. Tell him so.. he will understand.
2006-10-21 15:05:22 · answer #8 · answered by yulnores 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take up something brand new that you both are interested in but neither one knows how to do, so you're starting off equal. Then, when you have that in common, work on increasing the good things and minimizing the bad like arguing and differing interests (find a time for differing interests and limit them). In short, try to rediscover why you married to begin with.Good luck, it'll be a hard trip.
2006-10-21 14:20:10 · answer #9 · answered by David W 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are about 4 years too late in asking this question. Someone much wiser than I once said, "Marry someone who you can communicate well with, because as you grow older, that is what will matter most."
Unfortunately, many people make physical attractiveness their first priority, when it should in fact be their last. Marriage is about the practical things, if you lack common values, goals, beliefs etc. Then you may want to bail now before children enter the picture. Sorry, but that is all I have to offer you.
2006-10-21 14:22:59 · answer #10 · answered by john c 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I honestly can't see how a marriage between 2 people can ever work if you don't have any common interests. Did you ever try to seek out activities that both of you enjoy? Something new to the both of you. There must be something out there that the 2 of you can do together and enjoy one another.
2006-10-21 14:28:54 · answer #11 · answered by my_clancy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋