Can you forgive a cheat?

Question

I recently found out that my husband had sex with my cousin last year. Apparently it only lasted a few seconds and it meant nothing. I only found out almost a year after the event, by accident,neither party told me.The worst thing for me is that I was asleep upstairs when it happened. I feel betrayed by them both and really embarrassed as most of my family are now aware-I feel like the whole world knows I was not good enough in bed to stay faithful to! is it possible to forgive what they did? I don't feel that I "have" to entertain forgiving her but as we have a 4 year old son I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place as to what I do about forgiving him? Sex is unbearable as I keep imagining them together, we are playing musical beds and arguing lots and lots. He says he's sorry and he can't begin to understand what he was thinking. He says that what he did made him realise what we had and he wants us to try and move on together. Our son has no idea we aren't "friends"

Answer 1

I understand what you are going through. About a year ago I cheated on my husband with a coworker that we both knew. Like your husband it was meaningless. I felt terrible. There was talk at work and I admited it. He was devastated and almost left me. My friends and family told me that we could never get through it. They were so wrong. You have to understand that people make mistakes. He probably wishes it never happened. I know that it hurts so bad. Try to think of your life with out him. If you would be happier then I would say move on but chances are this is just one of those tests of marriage that we all face. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You really should forgive him if he is truly sorry. Maybe this will prove to strengthen your marriage. It did ours.

Answer 2

Cheaters frequently say "it didn't mean anything" - but it obviosuly meant enough for him to [1] dislike you and not deal with it or tell you about it so much he was willing to act out his anger by screwing another woman, [2] find time alone with her, [3] disrespect you in your own house as you *slept* there, [4] get aroused enough to have sex and [5] keep lying to you every second of every day when he could've come out and admitted it right after the fact.

Some people can forgive - but most can't ever forget. Marriage shouldn't be a one-strike and you are out deal--people are imperfect and if anyone falls short of any goal, is that grounds for divorce? Probably not. Still the mental image of them together will bother you for years to come.

But as someone who did the cheating, let me tell you - even though I actually have changed my ways, it took 4 years of intense soul-searching and counseling to even admit *I* was completely wrong and had a major problem. Anyone who tosses their marriage vows overboard when some broad shakes her tail at him has a *huge* problem.

And even though I am much more grown up about relationships, and more accountable and transparent today (she can and does check my odometer, cell phone record, and credit card bill or any other thing she wants any time she wants), I am still tempted to cheat every now and then.

Cheating women seem to know who wants some on the side, somehow. I feel like there's something in me that alerts them, and I do not know how to remove that part. I don't flirt, I am all business, I wear my ring 24/7, I am never alone with other women, etc. But I am never *really* going to change - it's just a matter of ever acting on the impulse again (which I now know I can and do control).

I would look at staying with him very guardedly. Give it a little time, but for crying out loud *no sex* during that time. If he can't take ownership of the cheating, start devising a recovery plan, and at the same time live without sex for a few months, then he is too immature and out of control to work with in a marriage. Dump his sorry *** before your son learns how to treat women like crap, too.

Answer 3

Yes, you can always forgive a cheater, BUT...forgetting is the hard part. For me, personally, I know I couldn't ever forget that my husband cheated on me, so I know in my heart I could never stay with him. but everyone isn't the same, you might be able too get past this and forgive and forget. But remember, staying in a marriage jus tfor a childs sake is not a good reason. you think your son doesn't know and feel that something is going on between his mom and dad?You're 100% wrong. Kids are smart, and no matter how much we try too hide what they see or hear, you can bet they know something is wrong. If you can work this out, it will be great, but work it out for YOU, make sure you can be happy with your husband, don't stay in a realtionship where you are unhappy.

Answer 4

Uhhhh. If you believe "it only lasted a second and meant nothing" you probably think tooth fairies are alive and well and operating contruction machinery. Listen up!! It has NOTHING whatever to do with how good, sexy, beautiful, nor good you bed you are were or will be. It's about him cheating when he got the chance.
Would I forgive? Yes. Would I trust? Only when and if it is earned by behavior change.
PS. Your son knows absolutely that you aren't "friends". Kids pick up on very faint vibes. They'll also take responsibility for the problems.
When your guiy says he wants to move on, that means he wants you to forget it. Don't forget it. Force him to earn back the trust.

Answer 5

1- you have nothing to be embarrass about he does since it only last a few second , your cousin does because she could not found her own man
if you family is aware & not say anything is probably they are afraid that it will hurt you too much and they are thinking to let sleeping dog lie
as for you, you need to concentrate on yourself
you can do that maybe by throwing the 2 cheaters a party
invite all your family since they already know
and while siting down infront of all of them ask your Cousin
why did she accomplish by having sex in your home with your husband and to him ask him why was it necesarly take for him to try to f---k your cousin to realize the importance of what you two have
and explain to them that you are not about to make a sean but since everyone know they might as well answer you in fron of everyone
and also remind your husband that you two will be getting some book on how he to satisfy a woman because lasting only second is not good for you, you might have to look elsewhere because you have not been satisfy
In saying this you are embarassing him as he has you
That litlw party will make forgiveness in your part much easy
Good Luck

Answer 6

Did you argue before you found out? It is normal for you to be angry, and not trust him. He is the one who will have to work on building up your trust in him. It is hard to forgive but sometimes it can make the marriage better, because issues come to the surface that were not talked about before. I would never allow that cousin in my house again!!!!! It took two, and she is half of the infidelity. It will take lots and lots of time to be able to forgive. Have you thought about counseling for your husband and yourself? If he would not go, it might be a good idea for you to go alone, so you can vent some anger and get healing for your broken heart.

Answer 7

It is possible to forgive a cheater.....but you have to remember a few things

1. If you choose to stay you must understand that things will not feel the same for a long time

2. You have to find a way to fully trust him again so that you aren't always worried when he is 5 mins late and so that you aren't always accusing him cheating.

3. You have to give it a full hearted effort. If you stay you have to be absolutly sure that you want to.


I hope that this helps!!!! Ang good luck with your situation. I hope that your husband shapes up.

Answer 8

You can but there are rules:

take time to get out your hurt feelings...if that means time apart do it.

you have to forgive for real and in your heart but that takes time.

Don't bring it up during wierd times. Have designated times to talk about how you're feeling or it will plague every aspect of the life you have to share right now.

Once a cheat is not always true...I've cheated on folks before but I don't now. There are underlying reasons besides selfishness for being unfaithfull.
Don't talk about and take advise from all of your family.Pick people who's opinions you trust to talk about it when you need to.

GO SEE A THERAPIST TOGETHER WHEN YOU"RE READY.

Answer 9

Nobody should have to deal with that. I say leave him now. Staying only lets him know that he can get away with it again. And really staying 4 ur son is not the answer. 2 happy seperate parents are better then 2 fighting untrusting parents. He will be a small part of your life due to your son...but make him a small part

Answer 10

Well thats some serious **** i cant, really tell you what to do but i can suggest things,,,
firstly you need to suggest seeing a marriage counselor, if he agreess to it then that means he is genuinely sorry and is will ing to try and work things out,,,,
secondly if you decide not to break up with hi you should let the child know ad may have to give him counseling for a short period of time.
Also is best to forgive and forget,, i know you wont forget but forgive him evry one makes mistakes,,,,,,,


also use this to your advantage,, if he is genuine *(can be determined by 1st point) then ask if he has ever cheated before,,, but be sure to tell him that it wnt affect your decison,,,,,
u see at this point he will be vulnerable and he will be in a state of mind that thinks the truth willll set him free,,,,
so please try it and best of luck to you