Can you forgive a cheat?

Question

I recently found out that my husband had sex with my cousin last year. Apparently it only lasted a few seconds and it meant nothing. I only found out almost a year after the event, by accident,neither party told me.The worst thing for me is that I was asleep upstairs when it happened. I feel betrayed by them both and really embarrassed as most of my family are now aware-I feel like the whole world knows I was not good enough in bed to stay faithful to! is it possible to forgive what they did? I don't feel that I "have" to entertain forgiving her but as we have a 4 year old son I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place as to what I do about forgiving him? Sex is unbearable as I keep imagining them together, we are playing musical beds and arguing lots and lots. He says he's sorry and he can't begin to understand what he was thinking. He says that what he did made him realise what we had and he wants us to try and move on together. Our son has no idea we aren't "friends"

Answer 1

That is really tough and I am so sorry that happened to you. It sounds to me like you should seek some counseling to try and work out some of the mixed feelings you are having. What he did to you is a deal breaker. But the ball is in your court. It's up to you whether to try and work things out or to move on. But you will not be able to make a level headed decision on this until you are able to sort out what you are really feeling. It's so hard to get past the hurt, disappointment, and embarrassment. But you can do it. Get some help and go with what your heart tells you to do. You are right in sheltering your child from what is going on. It's not fair for children to be subjected to such things because they aren't capable of rationalizing it and they tend to blame themselves and become angry. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out. And remember there is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. It's his job to gain back your respect and trust not yours.

Answer 2

Forgiving is easy, forgetting is the tough part, everyone has done something that they need to be forgiven for. I love to be forgiven, even if its petty..With you its the hurt & the betrayal, cant blame you there, and its not an easy road, if you dwell on what happened and replay it over and over in your mind, you will never have any peace. You will have to come to terms with it in your own way, you did nothing wrong. People have slept around on their spouses, when their spouses are beautiful, sweet, loving, and wonderful. It is not the fault of the spouse that was betrayed but a weakness of the spouse that did the betraying, Your husband must love you, or he wouldnt want to "make it work" this would be his ticket out, if thats what he wanted. As far as embarrassed.. you sure dont have anything to be embarrassed about ( bet noone is thinking that) if you want this marriage to work, you will have to find a way to get on with your life, get the mental pictures out of your mind & search deep in your heart & do what you think will make YOU happy, because this situation, no matter how it turns out, will be one you have to live with..Wishing you the best of luck..

Answer 3

I have had boyfriends who cheated on me and I have given them chances. They all do it again. I know it is different when you are married and have a child. I would suggest counseling to see if you could even forgive him. I do know that my uncle forgave my aunt. (My mothers youngest sisters husband and her brothers wife had an affair together). They stayed together and are still married. My other Aunt could not forgive her husband. It is up to each individual. I would be wondering the trust factor. It sounds like you feel like you are insecure about your self worth.

I would suggest counseling and see where that leads you. Your husband needs to support you in that decision if you decide to do that. I would go individually and then have him go as a couple eventually. I don't see how your marriage has a chance otherwise. You need someone outside the circle to help.

Hugs and prayers are with you.

Answer 4

From everything I have read, know and experienced, betrayal is the hardest thing to get over, and to move on after it has occurred. A good friend of mine is a sex therapist and when she and I get to talk about her profession (20 years' experience) she says it often takes 2 years to again regain what your marriage had. From what I have read, relationships are made of Admiration, Respect, Passion, and of course Trust. When the trust is gone, it isn't long before the rest of it is eroded. Your husband has admitted he has no idea what he was thinking, and he is sorry. I'm assuming that you want to remain in this marriage. Indeed he made a mistake -- the ultimate one. And my advise: The two of you need to get into counseling. Don't blame yourself for not being good in bed -- you had nothing to do with it, and are the innocent victim. But you must, and he must be willing to save your relationship. Obviously you can always leave. But shouldn't you try to mend it? I have friends who have done this, and their relationship ended up stronger than it was before. I urge you to try, not for the sake of your son, but for the sake of your marriage. There are things about your husband that you have forgotten in the midst of this mess -- i.e., why you married him. Those reasons and things are still there, but back in the fog of this mess. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 5

When it's family or close friends it is hard. I would be quick to say yes if it were a stranger and it's highly unlikely it will happen again. Everyone deserves a one-time deal, but a 2nd time is just shoving their actions down your throat.

If you can honestly say you will be ok with it, then forgive. BUT, remember if you do not and you are doing it just for your child you will have a very troubled future together since it will always re-play in your mind.

Good luck with this.

Answer 6

You can forgive, but let anyone tell you that you can forget it.
When trust is broken ,nothing is quite the same. It takes allot
of hard work to regain it- sometimes all feeling of betrayal never
quite returns. But for the sake of your son, you should try. Went
through this. and many more women than you can imagine have
also.I am not sorry that I staid in my marriage. My children had a
very good Father.He is passed now, and besides that, I get his
pension----SHE DOES NOT !!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

Something like this isn't easy to forgive, it takes time and lots of communication. If you still love him then maybe you can work it out. I think if you can't communicate beyond arguing its time to seek counseling. They will also help you to make the decision whether or not your marriage is salvalgable. As far as your family goes, I would hope they would support whatever decision you make but if they are not that type of family than screw them. You can only follow your heart and make your own path in life. No one is perfect.... :)

Answer 8

This is something that you have to decide for yourself. Some people are able to forgive something like this, others are not. You are not doing your son any favors by staying with this man if you are not happy. Kids can pick up on the vibe in the household.

Answer 9

I have a cousin like that. She would literally have sex with a post. Of course, you feel betrayed. Your husband feels extremely stupid and should. Link arms with your husband and the father of your child, stand tall with your head held high and go on with your lives together. Your cousin is a low-life. We all have them. You and your husband can get through this and be stronger for it.

Answer 10

I cannot forgive a cheat. Once the trust is gone, the love is soon to follow.