I've been married a little over 16 years. We have 3 great kids. Everything in our relationship is wonderful except for sex. For the past 5 years my marriage has been nearly sexless (we only did it 5-8 times/year). I remained faithful to my husband until about 4 months ago when I began seeing another man.
It's not that I didn't try in our marriage. We've talked, we've gone to counseling, I've cried & hurt (from the feelings of total rejection). I longed to be held and touched by my husband so much until I became numb...& then a wonderful man came my way who wasn't afraid to show me the love i've been missing.
Shortly after my new relationship my husband told me during one of our "talks" he often is not attracted to me because of my weight. This hurt me deeply because this was never an issue!
I'm afraid to leave my husband. I don't want to hurt my kids with divorce. But I don't know if I can continue to live a lie & be with a man who is not attracted to me & rarely has sex.
2006-10-21 05:39:22 · 13 answers · asked by HappyBunny 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
well i'm a male and i have a bit different perspective then the rest. my first wife and i went to counciling, after they where ended i got a call from the counciler who called me in to talk to me directly. he said she has made it clear by her actions and words that she no longer hears what you say, nor does she really care. Your marriage is dead, in her eyes you have become a responsibilty, nothing you can do will change that. famiily responsiblity and the need to provide for the home is a drving factor in any mans life, to some it can become over powering, and over tiring. all these things can contrbute to a low sex drive. Depression can play into to to. does he over smoke, over indugle in other things. remeber that one thing we all need is stimulation, to feel appreaciated and wanted. it takes two working a hundred percent in a relationshp putting the needs of others first, for a relationshp to work. it sounds like you both have quit doing that. make time for yorsellves just and try to rekindle what is lost. his saying your to fat is not the real issue. he is emotinally detached and you have to find out why and correct it. the fact that you have looked else where implies that you are not really interested in saving the relationshp. if its that dead then you have to decide to stay in a marriage because of the security it provides, or move on and rebuild your life. prepare for hardship and a lot of pain, the person who you are now wil not be the same one after the divorce is started. dont be surpised that he has no idea your fooling around when you talk to him. because he may so stuck in his rountne and ways to escape it that he can not see the truth. also look for medical problems that might be having its effect.
2006-10-21 06:22:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OH MY GOD!!!
I am honestly in awe of the way you have justified the fact that you are CHEATING on your husband. The New guy gives you the LOVE you need??? HE IS GIVING YOU SEX, please don't belittle marriage and what it stands for by using it to justify the cheating. This is the man you married and the family you created with him that you are dealing with - your actions with the stranger is going to affect them all deeply. You obviously have to know these things otherwise you wouldnt have asked the question - Just make it work and change it now. You dont want to continue in a lie - it isnt healthy for you and will eventually get old.
Now-as a woman- I can totally understand why you are hurt - and the new guy may be making you feel better about your self - but it doesnt make what you are doing right. The passion may be the greatest thing for right now - but the lie will eventually take over and will ruin what you think is the best thing in the world.
There is soooo much more to life and marriage than the sex - it is a GREAT part of it, but it is not the sole reason you married your husband. Please search your soul and choose wisely - is the new guy worth damaging all you have earned in the past 16 years of marriage?
2006-10-21 13:12:21 · answer #2 · answered by litlbigdg 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your husband about different things you can do. Try something together. Work out together at the gym. It would give you time with each other, boost your confidence, and help with your weight. The healthier you both are the happier and maybe even sexier you both might feel. Don't give up that easily. You have to have loved him enough o marry him right? Well then there still has to be something there. Try and explore different solutions before giving up entirely on the marriage. Marriage is not all about sex, and you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your kids to try and fix the situation as best you can.............Good Luck
2006-10-21 13:06:11 · answer #3 · answered by just a girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If by "everything else in your relationship is wonderful" you mean he's your best friend - you can talk to him, he's not abusive, he's a good husband/father, etc. - you are a fool for cheating on him. If he has told you that your weight affects his attraction to you (and if you are actually 'heavy' - not just a couple of pounds over your ideal weight from bearing his 3 children!) I would be heading to the gym or walking 3 -5 times a week, modifying my eating habits, seeing a doctor, etc.!!!! I would also enlist his help - he could help you come up with creative recipes that are healthy and lowfat, be your workout/walking buddy, make sure you are eating 5-10 servings of fruits/vegetables daily (instead of less healthy options that you may or may not be choosing), etc. Remind him that sex is a good calorie burner, lol. Make it a reward for each level of weight loss you attain. He may not only be not attracted to you but he may love you enough to be worried about how your weight affects your health. Extra weight at your age opens up alot of health issues - breast cancer, diabetes, heart problems, etc.
I would view this as an opportunity to take your relationship to new levels and, if he chose to help you do it, praise him - especially to others (in front of him of course). I could almost guarantee that would make him feel closer to you, bolster his esteem, and make him more attracted to you.
If you do choose to leave your husband realize that you would be devastating your children - children of divorce often end up more prone to divorce themselves. They will resent you for cheating on their father. They will probably need counseling. What if your new relationship doesn't work out once the novelty has worn off. Remember, you once felt this way about your spouse, too (as did he about you). Hmmm. It's a vicious circle. 16 yrs. is alot to throw in the trash.
2006-10-21 13:20:14 · answer #4 · answered by greyrider 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very sorry for what you are going through! No matter how you look at it its painful!
With that said I honestly think if you have strong feelings for another man, you owe it to your husband of "16 years" to fess up and be honest. After all you have gone through together, children, history, counseling and still neither of you feel its working, staying together for the sake of the children is not always the best option. They know and feel the discomfort in thier environment. Im sure they already know more than u think of your relationship.Everyone deserves to be loved and have someone to love in return if its not working for as long as u say it probably won't work again. Turning to another man before your situation is confronted and resolved is not fair. How would you feel if he were with another woman? Hope it works out GOD BLESS!
2006-10-21 13:05:04 · answer #5 · answered by HereweGO 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can relate to where you are coming from but having an affair is wrong no matter how you look at it.
If you truly are not happy in your marriage then you should leave. If your children found out about your affair what would they think. You will be doing more damage than you are trying to prevent by not leaving.
I do speak from experience. My marriage was terrible and I tried and tried to make it work. I was seeing another man but not having sex but it didn't matter. It was still cheating of the heart and most importantly my children now see me as the one to blame. They can't see what an *** my ex was or is.
2006-10-21 12:47:38 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one. Sex is important but is it really enough for divorce? Men go through the same thing with us women and most of them take it upon themselves to get satisfied through masturbation and not go to the extent on cheating. If your weight is all that turns him off then get back in shape. I know it's hard but if it will save your marriage, then what are you waiting for? Good luck!
2006-10-21 12:48:53 · answer #7 · answered by Jennifer S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i will start by saying , in my marriage we share so much more than sex. we share a friendship beyond compare! we share trust an love that binds us together. we share a warm an comfortable home. we share so much more than just sex. and even tho the sex is just a part of it all , we share a marriage / a bond between the two of us that is just golden! DOES YOUR MARRIAGE HOLD ANYTHING MORE THAN SEX?
2006-10-21 12:46:59 · answer #8 · answered by ~just_jd~ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are already hurting your kids and family. What you are doing is aweful.
I do sympathize with you. Your husband has not been kind. Leave him.
2006-10-22 00:01:09 · answer #9 · answered by Jennifer J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you should leave him Your children are better off with two happy parents apart than two miserable parents living toghether.
2006-10-21 13:07:24 · answer #10 · answered by Eileen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋