When do you leave?

Question

I've been with my husband for most of my life, met at 19, married at 23, I'm now almost 30. We're more friends/roommates than we are a married couple. We don't talk about much really, and I don't even know how to start the conversation. I really do not want to just get up in the middle of the night and bolt, but I also know that he's the kind of person that will guilt me into staying... any advice would be greatly appreciated.

We have no children, so I wouldn't be staying for them...but I'm starting to freak out about the fact that I'm almost 30...and I don't think he wants children...everytime I bring it up he says we can't afford them, but we can afford to drive what we drive and live where we live...

Thanks.

I guess I should mention that he's almost 36... don't know if that makes any difference at all...

Answer 1

Oh, girl ... you and I are in very similar situations. I'm so sorry. I truly feel your pain, and worse yet, the feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness that come when you realize a bad situation has gone unchecked for too long. Leave if and when leaving will feel better than staying. It's that simple, but that complicated.

Here's my story. Maybe you can relate to it.

I just turned 30 this year. I met my husband when I was 18 and we married at 25. He is a wonderful man--still the best man I know--and I don't regret my choice to marry him. In fact, looking back at the insecure, indecisive young girl I was when we wed, I think that this decision was remarkable for me. He's that great a guy.

The trouble is that I am a very different person today. My needs have changed greatly. Over the last five years, we haven't managed to grow together. He doesn't want what I want or need what I need. More importantly, he doesn't seem to know how to meet my needs and isn't willing to compromise on my wants.

I want to explore the possibility of having children but he won't hear of it. He shuts down completely on the subject. This, in turn, has complicated our already complicated sex life. The end result is a lack of intimacy in our relationship that makes us feel like friends and roommates instead of lovers. I hate it. I don't want to live this way for another year. It saddens and depresses me to think that this is the married life we have ahead of us.

As I write this, my husband is planning to move out of our home tomorrow. We haven't thrown in the towel yet, hoping that some time and space will give us clarity we haven't known for months. After agonizing over how best to "reconnect" with each other, we just accepted the fact that we can't reconnect unless we both truly want each other--not for our past and what we've shared, but for our present and our future. We may no longer be a good fit for one another.

Separation is scary, but we've been together for so long that we can't imagine being apart. We realize that fear of leaving and being alone shouldn't keep us together, nor shame over the thought of divorce.

My advice? Figure out what you want independently of your husband. He needs to do the same. If you can do this under the same roof, then do it. If you can't, negotiate terms for a separation and figure things out apart. After a period, see if you can come together and agree on your future. If you can, give it another go. If you can't, don't agonize over it. Do the right thing by each other and let it go.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

If you love him and haven't already tried counseling that would be the place to start. You stated that you don't think he wants children . . . he may not understand how much you do. He may have concerns about his ability to be a good father. He may be worried how it will affect your sex life (most men in that age bracket start to become overly preoccupied with the sexual portion of the relationship - they equate love with sex. It is almost the only language they understand until they are taught differently). You will never know until you discuss this with him. A counselor can help you figure out the best way to do this (you may want to go once or twice on your own at first - and you definitely want to find a counselor that you know you will both 'click' with so that your spouse doesn't feel ganged up on).
All relationships take work - sometimes it's difficult to realize this when two people have been together for so many years. A good book for you both to read would be 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. There are also several relationship clinics, often weekend getaways, that are Christian based (but they don't try to preach to you) that have had fabulous results with couples. They can help you both learn how to be more in tune to each other.
Most men (and some women) just think that life is just how it is and don't try to think of creative ways to rejuvenate a relationship. Most believe that the relationship is just 'taken for granted' after the initial 'in love' feeling is gone and life becomes 'settled'. This is not so. There are many things that can be done - most spouses who think that leaving is the best option don't realize this until it's too late. And they usually regret it later. If you have met someone else or are fantasizing about meeting your 'soul mate', just know that it rarely lasts past the first 2 -3 years. When you finally realize what you had with your first spouse (unless of course there was abuse, etc. involved), it is almost always too late to go back. Once the novelty of a new relationship wears off you are often left feeling more empty than before. The guilt will never completely go away; you may always wonder if you did the right thing.
Marriage is a contract and unless there are extenuating circumstances it should be treated as such.

Answer 3

I have been married for over ten years. Sometimes it does feel as though we are roommates and not partners. We both get sick and tired of eachother at times but bottom line we love eachother and we both stay because of that. At some point the conversation of children needs to go further than you husband seems to have gone. Perhaps it should have been part of the conversation before marriage. If you would like children and he is content to never have any then that would be grounds for ending marriage. You can't make him want children and you should not be made to stay and feel empty. Hopefully you can get him to open up more about children. Maybe he wants children but is terrified at the responsibility that comes with being a father. He could be afraid of failing at it by not being able to provide financially. I hope you both can make time to really talk to eachother on a more intimate level. Good Luck

Answer 4

It sounds like you two just don't have much in common. It's time too get out of this marriage. You will have too be strong when you sit him down atoo tell him you want a divorce. If you really think he's going too lay a guilt trip on you and get you too stay, go too a friends house and call him, tell him the reason you are calling him, make things very clear, then tell him IF he starts in with the guilt trip, that you refuse too listen and hang up. It's not going too be easy for you, no matter how you tell him, but if the marriage isn't working out and you want kids, It's time too move on. Good luck..

Answer 5

Enough becomes enough when you start thinking about whether youre better off with him or without him. And when youve had enough, then thats the time to move on and dont look back, but only you can figure when that point is. Theres no easier answer other than that for trying to figure out when to leave because under God only life ends, not marriages; thats why the "til death do us part" bit. Once you figure out whats best for you, then let no one stop you from getting a better life. Good luck

Answer 6

i would say go get help. because it's sound serious. then talk to him about the baby thing. because i would understand that you guys are not newlywed. so you all can have babies. have you ever thought he might not be the one. maybe you should move on and find mr. right. anyway but i would first try to get help to save your marriage. you guys could also show each other and bring back the fun side. when you guys met first. do what you guys use to do when you guys first met and marry. i mean like do fun stuff. i know it's hard to make a conversation. but you need to. anyway i hope this help and good luck.

Answer 7

You need to talk to him...don't just run. I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving when he is gone or whatever, but he at least needs to know the reasons that you are doing it. I wanted to leave my husband once also, and I was going to leave when he was at work because of the guilt thing, but then that would just bother you for the rest of your life. If you love him, talk to him, tell him that if you two don't start your life, you will leave. There is nothing wrong with an ultimatum and sometimes that is all that you need to get him in gear.

Answer 8

If you are unhappy, you dont have to stay. Theres someone out there that CAN make you happy. You dont have anything tying you to this man. If you two have different goals in life, thats a big deal breaker. You need to do whats best for you. Dont let him guilt you into staying, this is YOUR life and YOUR happiness we're talking about.

Answer 9

you need to talk this over, you need to be open with him on what is going on with your married life.....a second chance to spice your married life is just in the corner., maybe he is also waiting for you to open up, the 2 of u you will not decide to marry each other if there is nothing between the 2 of u...do not let your current situations throw your life ahead that is not certain by deciding to leave him. Everything can be settle if both parties are talking with respect and openness, it is not too late to patch up all the voids in your marriage, " JUST GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE"

Answer 10

Honestly, you will never be able to afford kids. It does not work that way. If he does not want kids and you do than it is time for you to seriously think of ending this relationship and finding someone who wants a family. Do not worry about your age, you are still young, and I am sure you will make a wonderful mother.