my husband quit drinking?

Question

i left my husband because of his drinking and the destruction it caused our marriage. I was very unhappy. I went back home within 24 hrs. I discovered through a man at my work that I was unhappy. He led me on for the so called thrill of the chase of a married woman known as myself. I quit the job and feel there is unfinished business. i dont know what im feeling, turning to God for answers. I either want to persue a man that probably doesnt want me or I really want out of my marriage. That is all I can guess. I have desires I know i shouldnt have. I worked in a prison for an experience and that is what i ended up leaving with. I left the job because my marriage deserved a fair shot since hubby quit drinking. he said he did not want to risk loosing me over the bottle. How effective is it for a person to quit drinking to keep his wife. He is very good to me, although a bit suffocating at times. I also left the job becuase it would be too easy for me to see myself single.

Answer 1

I really feel for you. There is a lot of emotions to be dealt with right now. First , Let me begin by saying this. I don't know if he hits you, but no one deserves that. If he does , you need to leave. Secondly, Do you love him? If so and he doesn't abuse you, physically or verbally, you need to give your marriage a chance. It will take WORK but anything worthwhile does. You both need some counseling to communicate better. His derinking is only a symptom of something else that is bothering him. We all seek an escape. Right now he is struggling to assume the role of husband. The responsibillities providing for his family, and protecting you. He is trying to find his identity.
Now as for you. I know that part of you feels scared. Another part of you is hurt, at him for allowing something to control him. Sometimes you feel that is hopeless, and it would be easier to get out. He hasnb't been able to be what you need him to be emotionally. Give it a chance , it may take time.. But your marriage deserves a chance.

Answer 2

Hi, my relationship with my husband has been 5 years and 4 of those years were us drinking, I have stopped dec 19 almost a year!! He still drinks, just a few. I know that he sees me differently, I am not the same person but he loves it that I don't drink anymore. For your husband it could be depression. Look into it for yourself and see what you think. Men just don't communicate like we want them to. It's a huge life change when a person stops drinking because everything changes. Now my life is about my family, they are first. You and your husband need to do something special for your marriage. Surprise him with a dinner, nothing sassy just comfortable and maybe the spark might fly. Talk about some memories together, the kids, that's an easy one. Your marriage doesn't have to be over, 12 years is a long time, he is just trying to deal and he doesn't know anything else besides drinking so it's up to you to bring him out of this so it doesn't get worse. Good luck

Answer 3

Sounds to me like you are looking for something different in your life, but please work to save your marriage. He has stopped drinking (which really can happen and help) in order to stay with you. Think back to when you got married....what did you say, "Till death do you part" and you meant it because he was the perfect match for you. He still is....you just need to realign your thinking. He is willing to work on it, so you should be too.

When you are driving a car you make small adjustments to stay on the road, right. A little right, a little left....all to stay between the lines. Why not make some small adjustments towards your husband? Little things make all the difference.

Also, why don't you try telling your husband you would like the "thrill" of dating again and need some romancing. I bet he would be up to it. Most men want to do that, but are not sure how. Tell him you miss the "courting" you had, and you want to get back to some of it. And tell him you dont' want to feel trapped, etc, so he needs to let you have a little space too.

(Maybe part of the reason you went looking for a "thrill" was because he was suffocating you at home. Let him know what you want and how you want to be "courted.")

Good luck!

Answer 4

If he is putting forth the effort to save your marriage then you should to. You can try finding a hobby for both of you to do together. My hubby and I ride Harley's. Well he does the work and i ride on the back. Maybe try counseling. Do things together doesn't mean he will suffocate you. How is he suffocating you. Communication is a HUGE part of any relationship. You get what you put into it. Try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do things you did when you were just dating each other. I hope this helps and good luck.

Answer 5

Good luck. There is something called a "dry drunk" which is a person that quits drinking with out dealing with the underlying issues that caused the drinking. He'll be a different person after quitting booze but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be easier or better to live with. Being "good to you" and "suffocating" are contradictory--he can't be both. Marriage when you're not ga-ga for each other is always a case of are the rewards great enough to exceed the bad. Many women can't find themselves for trying to please others. Take as much time as you need to figure out how to please yourself. If momma ain't happy, nobody can be happy.

Answer 6

Do you actually like the man you married? Beneath the drinking and the insecurity that makes him smother you, do you actually like him? You are talking about "my marriage" in abstract terms. Hopefully you think of it as actually being married to a real person. Do you like him and are you interested in trying to be with him for a lifetime? Has "seeing yourself single" been something you really understand and want, or is it just an idea?
Quitting drinking is good bu thtere are patterns that remain. Some people drink because they are insecure and they are unable to solve problems and deal with anxiety. That will not go away soon, but if he does not drink anymore that is a good step. He may never drink again. He may start again as soon as he feels in control of his life again. If you want to be there with him then commit yourself to it and do it. If you really don't want to accept him and commit then you should not. If you want to blame him or punish him at all then you should stay apart.

Answer 7

Well, my mom and my dad separated, over the course of 25 years of marriage, over 10 times. 25 years later, they still divorced because of drinking. Some people truly do change for the other, but some will quit just so the other will come back and then start right back up again.

Answer 8

All you can do is give it another shot with your husband. Do not go after the thrill seeker, it will be heartache for you, you sound like a smart woman, you know how that would turn out, he would seek the thrill elsewhere even with you. Either go for the hubby or go it alone.

Answer 9

You say the the drinking destroyed your marriage. And now your husband has quit drinking because he wants to save it. That's huge. It's time to give the marriage another chance. Try to make your boundaries clear so that he doesn't suffucate you.

Answer 10

Tell ypour husband what you are telling us who respond. Lie it out on the table and say here it is I love you I think we can work this out etc. You don't know for sure if this won't work unless you try it first before dismissing it and walking out the door. Accept the siuation at hand and remember IT IS WHAT IT SI and nothing more unless you bring drama to the situation which isn't called for.

cheers darlin