poem...im 14 and have wanted to be a writer all my life please red this and tell me what you think?

Question

(pause between each line)

Rasheed (clock-tower)

Good morning Rasheed,
I'm so sorry about the other day..
I was angry, and so unwanted,
Unloved and broken.
I sould have thought...
before i jumped from high off the clocktower.
Please forgive me Rasheed,
My intensions were wrong.
For i did not jump...
I was pushed from such a height...
by something else, and i havn't figured it out yet.
But i fell...
and regreted it as soon as i dropped.
But Rasheed, i didn't mean it.
I tried to stop myself...
but i'm stronger than i once thought.
As i sit here now,
in the corner of a dungeon...
cut and chained
in the dark depths of hell.
I know i shouldn't have jumped.
I ask forgivness once more Rasheed,
Don't repeat my indignity...
warn others of this... Plague!
and tell them of how I burn...
everyday, i hear the crys of souls stricken with suicide
Tell them Rasheed,
of the clocktower..
and of what threw me off it that day
Why I am here..
And why I'll never be saved

Answer 1

I like it quite a bit, and I usually don't like the poems I've seen from the people on this site. I don't like spoon-fed poems that are completely spelled out for me. Yours makes me think a little, and wonder about, the significance of the clocktower, the name Rasheed, and what threw "me" off. Keep it up.

Answer 2

it is really fantastic!
but don't commit suicide, k?
1) i would take off the 'and' in the last line.
my creative writing teacher said the 1st and last words in the lines r the most important.
2)i would take off the 'i know' in the line that reads "I know I shouldn't have jumped". the 'i know' takes away from the remorse n makes it sound like ur just trying 2 get out of trouble 2 something.
3) the 'before i jumped from high off the clocktower" sounds a little awkward. i would either take out the 'high' or make it in2 two lines.
4) the "everyday i hear the cries of souls stricken with suicide' i would change 2 'everyday i hear the cries of souls/stricken with suicide'.
5)"by something else, i haven't figured it out yet" i would change to"by something else I haven't yet figured out".

these r just suggestions not made 2 criticize or anything. just what i think would make it better.
i'm 13 n i've alsways wanted 2 b a poet 2.

here's my latest:

life is waiting
that’s it
wait to see if you
failed/passed
for the bell 2 ring
the weekend 2 come,
for ur crush to notice
(or not)
you.
we wait in line,
wait for taxes,
wait for bills,
progress reports
(or warning notices)
for ur favorite TV show to come on,
for death
we wait for life to catch up with our waiting.
but what are we really waiting for?


it is a work in progress about the sad monotony of my life.

Answer 3

I find it reassuring that you warn people about taking their own lives, it's clear that you either have had close contact with someone who did take their own life or you have an exlent imagenation. (No offence meant) I personally prefer peotry that has a meaning, which your peom does, but I also prefer a lighter way of approaching this. Follow your muse, your inspiration. It's a good start.

Answer 4

youthful like it cute yet evaluate why does he prefer you as a gf so undesirable? with reference to the age it extremely would not rely it prefer make you a cougar or something the guy is merely approx. 2 years youthful then you definitely see it like this whilst your 30 he would be 28:) your youthful so i propose you're taking it slow do no longer rush altho kissing and stuff is everyday make an effort you do no longer prefer to deliver mixture alerts and not via fact he ask for a kiss and he's relatively cute you may desire to supply him it if he ask for intercourse, a baby, stuff like that should you provide him it actual seems is one concern understanding somebody's heart is yet another get to renowned him and his actual intentions till now doing something you will sense sorry approximately for all times if he's your stable chum i think of you ought to stay pals for a jointly as according to hazard till next twelve months or so just to be secure if he extremely love you i do no longer see what the subject could be to boot gf is largely a call merely like ex- gf of ex chum so think of be clever set standards for your self and attempt to no longer demean your self take care wish i helped:)

Answer 5

I really like it! It's quite dark, quite sad and very easy to read and to be understood. I like the figures, although they are not too complex, they are still there. Keep on writing, but never forget to keep reading.

Hope it helps.

Answer 6

It's very deep..I liked it but I got a bit thrown off by the part where you jumped then you said you were pushed then you referred to where you jumped again..I didn't understand what you were talking about..but I could just be dense..

Answer 7

Nice

Answer 8

Not bad for a 14 year old kid

Answer 9

a great message (im being serious, incase u dont think i am).
and whos Rasheed?
all in all, great poem!

Answer 10

I like it, you need to check your spelling but, I commend you on your work and reccomend copywriting your work instead of putting it online. If someone likes it they could take it and put their name on it, and call it their own work. Then there would be nothing you could do.....