Working on a poem / song , tell me what you think?

Question

These are the beginnings. Constructive criticism is welcome.

She savors the taste of the needle's kiss
Tear stains, smeared make-up, and pale white lips
She taints my wounds with poison words
And makes every speech a mockery
I know she loves me, she tells me so
I see her face buried in the snow

if you're confused at all, think drug addiction.

Answer 1

i like that a lot. maybe rhyme something with "words" and after lips, make the formation
a
a
b
b
c
c

i heart FOB- it means she sniffs cocaine

Answer 2

Yeah

A little to blatant

Poetry disguises things in metaphors. You're hitting us over the head with a hammer!

"And the Wind, Cried, Mary...."

"Excuse me, while I kiss the sky!"

Jimmi could be a real poet!

"Some like Jelly, Jelly, some like Gold"

Robert Hunter could hit you over the head, as well as be metaphorical

Now let's take a real hit over the head from Hunter

"This old engine, makes it on time
Leaves central Station at a quater to nine
Hits river junction at 20 to 2
At a quater to 10 you know, he's travelin again!

Driving that Train, high on Cocaine
Casey Jones you better
Watch your speed!

Trouble ahead
You know
Trouble behind

And you know that notion
Just cross my mind!

Trouble with you is the
Trouble with me we got
Two good eyes
but we just can't see

Come round the bend you
Know it's the end
The Fireman Screams and the
Engine just gleams!"

Get the point?!

Here's a song a singer, Jackie Windslow, I worked with wrote

"I was down and out
Feeling blue
Too much booze and brew
To much blow

My...
Doctor said I was a sight to be believed
and so he handed me a ticket to the
714

Now, don't mind me
I'm an explorer
It's part of my nature
Like a lion who's a
Roarer

If you see me
Comin cross the border
Just remember it was:
Doctors
Orders!"

(go look up Roer 714, otherwise known as the Quualude)

Answer 3

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Answer 4

the first line is killer but the rest is kinda weak. dont be afraid to mess with the lines youve already got and change the wording around while still conveying the same images. dont use so many articles [and, the] and make sure it is rythmic. remember, if youre gonna be singing this its gotta flow nice and go with the music.

youve got a great start and i wanna see what this comes to!! email me: [e-mail]

also email me if you still need some help

ps do you have a myspace? search my email and add me!

Answer 5

I REALLY like the first two lines. The part about her face buried in snow is a little messed up though.

Answer 6

A++ .... I think thats awesome, seriously.. very good work... (I knew in the 1st line it was about drug addiction)

Answer 7

i like it it's really emotional and it's good i say go for it. It's good and it's very different, but in a good way ya know

Answer 8

I think you did a good job but the snow part doesn't mesh. It might be the rythym that is off...maybe change it around a bit? Maybe switch it to her reality is only a blizzard of snow.... I dunno, but it sounds good so far!

Answer 9

It's really good and dramatic, don't give up on this song, I seriously think it's good.

Answer 10

Great, makes alota senes.