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My husband of 16 years had an affair.He also has an anger problem.We are trying (or rather I am)to hold the marriage together but my husband shows little if any effort.Basically he has said he is 'sorry' but nothing in his everyday behaviour shows it.He makes a cup of tea now and again,folds a bit of laundry,never asks me out on a date or has made any effort to make me feel loved and cherished and that I am the only woman in his life.He has also just announced that he is off to Afghanistan for 6 months(he is a soldier).The problems are not resolved and he does not want to stay around to resolve them,rather he wants to seek fulfillment in his duty as this is what 'he' needs right now.Meanwhile I am left with 3 children,and many unresolved issues.How do you work on a relationship when you are in another country and apart for six months?Am I naive to think there is any hope left?

2006-10-20 16:21:33 · 32 answers · asked by Rosie 1 in Family & Relationships Other - Family & Relationships

32 answers

Sorry but by the sounds of it their is no hope

2006-10-20 16:23:59 · answer #1 · answered by R C 5 · 1 0

firstly let me say how deeply sorry i am to hear this you sound like a great person how ever there is also hope there has to be for with out it we would all fail i think he is finding it hard to deal with the fact that he let you down and it seems that it's eating him up inside and him going away for 6mths may be his way of coping i think youi should both try and come to an understanding and get all the motions out in the open it may help sure things may be said but there just words if after all this time together he does not want to save your marrige then im affraid the best thing to do would be move on and find someone who would never hurt you and will spend every day making you feel loved and show how specail you are best of luck to you

2006-10-20 20:12:19 · answer #2 · answered by Denver 1 · 0 0

Surely he was a soldier when you married him so you were aware that he would be away for long periods at a time. You obviously decided between the two of you to have 3 children and at this point discussed how this would work. It is not unusual for women to take the brunt of the household tasks especially if the man is working full time. Dates do run out and romance does eventually slow down, it is natural. Talk to other married woman in your sitation and see how they are coping with it. I imagine when he gets back you will be so glad to see him that all thoughts of leaving him will disappear.

2006-10-20 16:28:48 · answer #3 · answered by Carrie S 7 · 0 0

Depends on how much you want to keep your marriage alive! You don't say how long he has been a soldier, but as being bought up in the Army enviroment, seeing various marriages going through rocky patches, (mostly soldiers going away for months on end) women coping on their own and then soldiers coming home and disrupting a routine. Soldiers need to let off steam if they have been in a combat zone and sometimes do things they regret! Some soldiers find it hard to show their emotions and take it out on their nearest and dearest. Is he a good father? I no its not an easy thing to do but try to keep your chin up, give him support for when he goes to Afganistan, keep telling him how much he means and maybe he'll surprise you and tell you that himself! Good luck xxx

2006-10-20 20:10:43 · answer #4 · answered by sharon t 1 · 0 0

First of all you have to ask yourself some questions-
Do you actually love him or are you with him out of habbit?
Can you ever trust him again or will you be questioning his every move?
Does he make you happy?
I think he isn't too interested in the marriage and you can't make it work on your own. Sit him down and explain how you are feeling in a calm, non antagonising way. Try get him to join you in going to marriage councilling.
Don't just stay with him for the childrens sake because they can feel the tention and would be happier out of that situation. If you decide to leave him make sure that there's someone with you or close by when you are telling him.

2006-10-20 16:41:29 · answer #5 · answered by sonoftheguy 2 · 0 0

OH girl Im not going to call you naive.. you just love this man and want the marriage to work.. but let me tell you something you are in a bad relationship.. even though you have kids and you want with all ur heart that this man change and act right the truth of the matter is that he might wont change and in fact things could get worst.. think about your kids how unhappy they are living with someone who treats their mommy like crapp...I suggest this six months he is going to be gone you practice in how to live with out him..I get tired of saying this but in cases like this I had tell many people life is to short to live in misery.. your kids wont hold it against you if you explain when they get old enough what happend to the marriage they will understand when they reach adulthood and find that hapiness is something to be cherish... and cant be taken in vain..leave him honey HE CHEATED TOO?? OH hellss nooooooooo and on top of that he has a anger problem.. do it for you for your children for your life and peace of mind... LEAVE.... good luck....

2006-10-20 16:32:40 · answer #6 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 2 0

No, you're not naive, but I will say this--- Do you think you're the only one with emotions. Your husband is off to risk his life...if he CHOSE to do that (which I hardly believe he had a choice) or stay and work out problems with you, I think you need to evaluate how you are treating him. Now before you get your hair raised, because you clearly explained he treated you with disrespect of having an affair, I need to say that something provoked him to stray.

Here are some good books I recommend.

The Praying Wife
Love and Respect

Sorry, I don't have the authors at my fingertips, and I'm not going to delve into the library- but you can find them at any Wal-mart.

Otherwise, get yourself a new man. If you can't get a new man, that's probably a good indicator of why your hubby doesn't want to be with you.

2006-10-20 16:27:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

treat him like he treats you....that's the only way he will see what he's doing....he's taking you for granted...having an affair is bad....why are you still with him? also he has anger issues, he needs help...i would definitely wait till he goes of to Afghanistan, then have a good think about your marriage...then you can decide if your going to have him back or not...do not allow him to disregard you in any situation...you are his wife and he should respect you....if he continues this...angry or not...tell him to get out....that's if you feel you can cope without him...i think you could...just tell him that if things don't change then you'll dump him, he does not seem to be making much of an effort in the marriage so it's now down to you to call the shots....good luck

2006-10-20 16:37:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I hate to say it, but it sounds like it is over. One person cannot fix a "relationship" by them self. If he is unwillilg to work on it get the same attitude for yourself.Seek counseling and find out what fulfills you. If it is sitting around waiting for him that does it,then okay. If it doesn't then do what makes you feel better,whether it's leaving him(either now or on the return) or standing by him. But do remember, if he is in a war zone a moments inattention can be deadly ,so ,whatever you do don't be indecisive.

2006-10-20 16:35:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

Sometimes all we have left is hope. Maybe you need to talk. Do you make HIM feel loved and cherished? Is he honest with you? Has he been with other women, told you why, and admitted it all, every step of the way? Or been secretive and slimey about it? I would work hard to get with a good honest caring person but woud let a bad liar go in a second.

2006-10-20 16:26:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

His behaviour is not uncommon although that doesn't help you at all.

At the end of the day you married a soldier and long periods of absence, emotional withdrawal and infidelity are just part of reality in this surreal macho world.

I'm sure he's a good provider in other ways so it's up to you if you want to stick with him or, if not, get yourself a very good solicitor.

2006-10-20 22:18:53 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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