The coldness bestowed upon them all. It crept up each one of their backs, it finally sent a trembling chill through out there entire bodies and into there fingers and toes.
"There was no going back," dale thought to himself.
Robert uttered a quick confirmation to dales thought, as he threw another stick into the fire "There's no going back now boys we are almost there."
Charlie was sitting down as close as he could to the fire with out burning himself.
"Don't fall asleep now Charles, you don't know what else lurks in those woods," Robert muttered.
Charlie rubbed his hands together, he reminisced as he said "I'm betting there ain't nothing worse than those damn worpels."
Suddenly a loud shrill, as the sound of a trumpet came from the mountain above. The three boys froze with sudden panic. No sooner had the trumpet blasted, had it come to a bellowing echo across the far reaches of the Fairington and then had bruptly stopped. Robert was the first to move out of his enlightened..
2006-10-20 13:48:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I think that you have the germ of an idea for what may well become a good story.
However, you need to work on your vocabulary and on your skills in grammar, if you want to present this story to others.
For example, there is no such thing as "coldness". And "bestowed" means something different than the meaning that your context conveys. It would be better to say, "The cold stole over them all."
"Uttered a quick confirmation" could be better written as "quickly confirmed".
"Shrill" is an adjective, not a noun.
There's no such word as "bruptly". The word you are looking for is "abruptly".
These are examples of instances in which your use of incorrect grammar and wording distracts the reader from what might, otherwise, be an entertaining story.
Best of luck with your writing. Don't give up. Pay attention in English class, and keep trying.
2006-10-21 03:43:57 · answer #1 · answered by Larry Powers 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good... but here's how I would perfect the second sentence: "It crept up each one of their backs, finally sending an eerie chill throughout their entire bodies, the frosty prominition resting in their fingers and toes." But that's just me. The rest of it's pretty good, although the mechanic's could be a bit better.
2006-10-20 22:02:34 · answer #2 · answered by Aliza E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the beginning of a good story - agree it needs work on the mechanics:
bestowed = given
there vs their
There was/ there's: tense
Shrill but with a bellowing echo?
Farrington, ...than it abruptly stopped. (than then)
2006-10-20 21:13:55 · answer #3 · answered by CS 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the beginning of a decent story, but you need to work on the mechanics, style could use a little work also.
2006-10-20 20:54:52 · answer #4 · answered by prismcat38 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
definate yes... and i'm not just saying that to be nice.
the descriptions you gave at the beginning made me feel as if i was there. as you continue the story make sure you don't those that.
also... just wondering... what's a worpel? and how does it end?!
keep it up if you enjoy it... you definately have a nack at writing!
2006-10-20 21:01:09 · answer #5 · answered by runningballerina 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋