Poem at your mercy...?

Question

Mourning Morning


While floating in my horizontal world of ease,
I’m a willing inmate during my sleepy sentence.
She’s my soft soul mate if you so please,
and this comfy coma makes splendid sense.

Smooth and soft, my whole world is white.
Not a sound stirs, save those from my dreams.
Full fluffy puffy pillows, left… and right;
and everything is—well, as it seems.

THE SUN—smashing through the window glass
spews its vile dawning rays. Violating me,
suffocating me with its raging red attack,
it works in tandem with my bladder’s screams.

Day after day I wave my white flag,
and exhume my body from this dry jacuzzi.
My heart surrenders to my head’s demands,
and I punch the clock on this reality.

A razor stroke and a water splash
see this sleepy life deferred.
Only to come full circle, I collapse!—
back into my perfect world.

The rhyme is purposely "perfect" for the first two stanzas and purposely "slanted" for the last three stanzas to fit the tone of the corresponding stanzas.

Well, a_blue_grass, I must say you were MUCH kinder to my last poem.These are homework assignments for my Intro. to Creative Writing--Poetry Class. They follow the guidelines given by my professor. This one was free-form. The fact that people are so against any form of rhyme these days is sad to me (as though NOTHING can rhyme EVER) I don't care what's hot and what's not, and I enjoy using ALL of the tools afforded me as a poet. Although every poet craves recognition, I am fully aware of the fact that I am not at a point where I deserve any. I am not trying to achieve success (financial or otherwise) at this point as I just started the long journey of understanding the art of poetry. I do appreciate your honest criticism (no matter how stern it is becoming) and wish you would activate your instant message account so I could actually converse with you.

Answer 1

I seem to catch these poetry questions every now and then, and I'm usually the harshest critic. I think I actually liked a poem you wrote a while back.

Again - a lot depends on your goals - if you want to play around with writing, and its enjoyable to you and you're happy, then more power to you. If most of your friends and reviewers like it, then again, great.

If you want to enter into the academic or literature world of poetry, that's another thing. I usually suggest reading a lot of poetry magazines and books; getting the book "Poetry Writer's Market," and taking a creative writing class at a local college.

From an academic or literary perspective, I would have to rate this as a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Surprisingly to some extent, rhyme and meter are relatively out of fashion in the contemporary poetry world. The emphasis is more on image and emotion.

So, I think the poem might be stronger by dropping the attempts at rhyme. If you were attached to rhyme, then I would suggest looking at some of the older poetry to see how it was done back in the day. The meter in the poem does not seem consistent from line to line or stanza to stanza - if you decide to stick with rhyme, I would recommend a consistent meter.

The imagery feels a little cliche in the poem, and the emotions seem . . .ordinary. It's fine to focus on ordinary emotions at times, in the same way warhol focused on ordinary objects to paint, but your imagery needs to be very honest and your technique needs to be tight.

I'll come back in several hours and edit this and add an example of a similar poem that shows what I'm talking about so you can see the difference - if you haven't resolved the question.

I'm assuming that you actually want feedback and have a desire to take your poetry to another level.

Edit

Great that you are taking a class!

The recognition in the poetry world is minimal, even for the very best, lol. Fame and fortune are generally found in other professions.

Obviously you could explore the poetry world on your own, but it's helpful to ask for feedback or guidance on occasion. Different people will guide you in different ways.

I would say that rhythm and rhyme are fine - but set them aside for now, as an experiment, and really focus on the detailed imagery and the more subtle emotions.

Here are two poems that are roughly similar to yours - but see if you can feel the differences.

Amrita Pritam

Daily Wages

In a corner of blue sky
The mill of night whistles,
A white thick smoke
Pours from the moon-chimney

In dream's many furnaces
Labourer love
Is stoking all the fires

I earn our meeting
Holding you for a while
My day's wages.

I buy my soul's food
Cook it and eat it
And set the empty pot in the corner.

I warm my hands at the dying fire
And lying down to rest
Give God thanks.

The mill of night whistles
And from the moon-chimney
Smoke rises, sign of hope.

I eat what I earn,
Not yesterday's left-overs,
And leave no grain for tomorrow.

This poem deals with small, daily, ordinary emotions, but it's technique is tight, and it's gaze is insightful, and penetrating, and the poem is potent.

Here's another example.

Tove Ditlevsen

Morning

I wake despondent
at three-o'clock in the morning
in my narrow
winterbed -
dull hair
covered with withered
leaves
and blood-red, peeling
nailpolish on my toes
from summer's sandaltime.

Ashtaste in my mouth
tired loins
malicious throbbing
in a tooth.

Hostile
furniture from the past
will have nothing to do with
the random hands
of new inhabitants.

Old sentences
in the curtains
words the fugitive
forgot
when he made his hasty
departure -
fragments without
meaning or connection.

Out of step with
the season
entangled as a
ball of yarn the cat
has played with
I stroke its
delicate shoulderblades
that are trembling lightly
in sleep.

No more birds to stalk
no mice to scare.
No way out of memory's
labyrinth.
Slowly life is running out
like drops along a drainpipe.

Here's another version of a morning and mourning . . . in Tove's poem, I feel that she's really taken me somewhere emotionally with her specific imagery and detail.

Your poem is close - but I don't feel taken there - to where you are.

For example, at the end, you say "back into my perfect world." But that doesn't take me to it.

Tove's world is depressing, and her last lines take me there:

Slowly life is running out
like drops along a drainpipe.

Amrita's world has a soulmate, and her lines take me there, too:

I earn our meeting
Holding you for a while
My day's wages.

But, this intro of your lover, doesn't take me there:

She’s my soft soul mate if you so please

Tell me about her skin, her hair, her smell, her shape . . .

It's close, i think, but if you want to play with your poem, you could take it further.

you can email me at: [e-mail]

Answer 2

wow, did you write this?? cuz if you did, that's awesome....yeah, i love sleep and my dreams too...that's why i have curtains.....and took the batteries out of my alarm clock...
i love all your adjectives, it actually sounds like a professional poem...get it published or something...and do more!! it's ok that not all the words rhyme...it's considered rhymes in poetry if the vowel sound or spelling is the same...plus, no one really notices it..you've got great stuff!!

Thanks for posting the poem!!
You might not know it, but you made my day!! No kidding!!

Answer 3

Poetry need not rhyme and the patter can be adjusted though I dont see where that is a problem. My problem is what the poem is saying. Fantastic job man, email me.

Answer 4

It is really nice.
Writting is a way to explore yourself deeper, by expressing your wishesh, thoughts and emotions as in waves on the mirror surface of the ocean of inspiration and eternity :)

Answer 5

not bad not bad at all

The idea is kind of trite but I really like the way it was expressed and some of the imagery was wonderful

Answer 6

did you write those urself? cause there good

Answer 7

thats pretty

Answer 8

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