Do you forgive?

Question

I have known my husband for 2 years. We had an arguement recently. He made a comment I didn't like therefor I swore at him. Then he shouted at me and swore back telling me all those hurtful things and eventually slapped me in the face by a pillow. I was shocked and devasted and crushed. For I thought he is not the type. I thought he isn't an emotional abuser. I feel so much hurt as if I don't know him anymore. We have a beautiful loving relationship. What shall I do? Shall I forgive him and believe him when he says that he will never do it again? I feel so scared.

Answer 1

Okay, I am going to try not to take sides in this. I wasn't there, so I am only going by what you have said here.

He made a comment you didn't like. Then you swore at him.

Then he shouted at you and swore back and said hurtful things and slapped you in the face with a pillow. I think those are the facts.

This is what I think you should do. Sit down and calmly talk to him about this. Tell him that you will not tolerate verbal and physical abuse. Let him say how he feels about it. If you think he is truly sorry for his behavior, give him another chance. But you have to promise not to swear at him either, because that is verbal abuse, too. You must make him realize if he ever hits you, he will be gone. You both should apologize for your behavior.

You are going to have many more disagreements---and this is the key word---disagreements! What you need to do is keep them from becoming arguments! If you disagree about something really important, tell him you need to sit down and talk about the options. Don't yell, and don't swear at each other. Come to some compromise.

If it isn't anything that important, you don't need to back down, just say you don't agree and drop it. It takes two to keep an argument going. If you don't argue, he can't argue.

And above all, don't swear at each other! Don't bring up every little thing he has ever done to hurt your feelings in the past 2 years! Learn how to fight fair. Stick to the present subject.

You say you have a beautiful and loving relationship! You are lucky. Work on that part of your marriage together and make it grow. Don't do the things that will destroy it.

PS. If you had said he beat you up, my answer would have been entirely different.

Answer 2

Well, it's unhealthy if you actually feel "afraid" because you think he might physically hurt you, but it sounds like this might have just been a one time thing. Relationships are give and take, and they are not always happy and rosey. Sometimes, people do things that are out of character and then feel horrible about having done them. Living with someone full time in a marriage situation is hard, it takes work, and yes, it does take forgiveness. My advice would be to forgive, though not necessarily forget the situation. This doesn't mean that you can bring it up or that you should harbor ill will or resentment toward him, but it does mean that if he does something like this again (the slapping you with a pillow part and saying hurtful things is the worst), then it has become a pattern and that is the point where you have to put your foot down and tell him that either you get professional help or the marriage will have to be dissolved.

Don't throw away a beautiful, loving relationship over one out of character incident. Good luck...

Answer 3

It sounds like he has been supressing his emotions for a while maybe? I was in an emotionally abusive relationship several yrs ago and believe me, once u accept it once, its like opening the floodgates for more abuse heading ur way. And the pillow slapping is actual physical abuse which is in no way acceptable. To forgive him is a hard one. It sounds to me like a one-off but do u wish to take this risk? Id say if u are genuinley scared then this isnt good at all & i would maybe cautiously suggest just one more chance. But if he does it again, get out asap. You will od the right thing for you at the end of the day whether its right or wrong for anyone else is irrelevant.

Answer 4

It is deja vu... He made a comment, then you went up a notch, then he went up a notch,and another notch, and then you are out out the fight, now you think he is one of those "types " of guys....Why he did that comment?? What did you say?? How far do you think you can push somebody to make him one of those "Guys", I'm not defending the guy , you say that you have a loving relationship, so... we guys do not go crayzy just like that, something happened that set him off, both of you are to blame, if you do not accept your responsability about what happened it may mark the begining of the end, you two have to say you are sorry and really be. Good luck

Answer 5

something that befell over 25 years in the past very almost ruined my life. every time i presumed approximately it, the hatred decrease back. even in spite of the undeniable fact that the guy in charge by no skill asked for my forgiveness, i ultimately did. somebody else in touch did ask and by way of that factor I had permit pass of the animosity. There are some issues which take place in life that could by no skill be forgiven or forgotten. i'm happy I chosen to no longer permit it destroy what years I honestly have left.

Answer 6

You are in a marriage, ofcourse you should forgive, all the time if you must. Hitting you with a pillow is not abusive. He is sorry, forgive him, get over it (am sorry by the way), and move on. You will not change anything getting stuck in that place.

Answer 7

That's really hard. Is something else going on in his life? If he has never done this before then maybe he was having a bad day/week. Give it another try and if this happens again then you need to take action to see that you are not physically hurt. Sometimes people just make mistakes, wait this out and see what happens.

Answer 8

I would proceed with caution. A leopard can't change his spots. One the other hand we all tend to say or do things in anger we don't mean or wouldn't do otherwise. I would personally be tempted to forgive but not forget and if the behavior continues GET OUT!

Answer 9

I'v been exactly there before. It will happen again, and....again....and again....please go to the police and have it documented so when you leave, if you choose to do so, which please do before you get seriously hurt, there will be evidence on record and he will be justly punished. I did not, go to the police that is, and I hung around for another year and 2 months, and he beat the sh!t from me....and there was no record of previous assault, and therefore, nothing I could do.

Answer 10

You should forgive him only if he truly feels remorse for his actions. Use this experience next time you get so upset you want to curse at him and know yourself you don't want this to happen again.