How can I get my workaholic husband to pay attention to me?

Question

My husband spends most of his time at home on his computer. We don't do anything fun together or plan anything. He always has to work. I feel like we're just roommates. We rarely have sex too. I kind of want out of the marriage. I'm tired of being alone, but I'll be even more alone if we get divorced...

Answer 1

first find your own interest, then u will not be so focused on him, seriously......... then whats left he can have it......

Answer 2

I'm a workaholic, hell, I coined the phrase. I was in the same spot your husband is in. Some guys are a throw back to the early 1900's. We show affection by bringing home the bacon. We tend to shy away from conversations not because we aren't in love but because we are poor communicators. Workaholics tend to be physical so your problem with rarely having intimacy doesn't compute. Your right, divorce is never a good choice. I would say that your best bet is to start setting off the relationship alarms. Go out with your friends (same sex please) till all hours of the night. Leave him to make a few meals at home by putting out a recipe and a few items on the counter. Grab a bunch of exercise magazines and leave them laying around (you know the ones with the half naked guys with ridiculously huge muscles). Pretty soon "he" will be the one asking questions. Just one comment though! This world is too filled with loser guys who only go to work when the booze runs low. Be thankful for what you have. Security is not a great substitution for Love but neither is poverty! and if you can, get to church every now and again. I know it's not the coolest place to hang out, but allot of answers to allot of questions tend to dwell there.

Answer 3

I have had the same issue with my husband for the last several months. I just finally told him how I felt. I am not saying that all the problems went away because they haven't, but he didn't know how I felt before. He didn't realize that I was lonely and unhappy. The bottom line though is that it has to be important to him to want to change. If it isn't important to him to be with you with he is at home, then it is going to take more than talking to fix things. Try setting up a date night where you leave the house and go do something. We also started taking figure skating lessons together. Find a hobby you can share that requires you to spend time away from your home each week. If these things don't work, you might consider counseling. Don't leave him. You'll never learn to work through issues if you walk away.

Answer 4

I've been through this too. life gets in the way. People get caught up in work.

I know it's easy to blame him. And it IS partially his fault. I know you feel like HE should put in the effort (because he should!) but you need to help open his eyes!

Some of the suggestions other people gave were great - making an appointment in his datebook, etc. Also, try "talking" with him. Which a lot of guys hate and get defensive about.

Honesty can sometimes work too. After my husband and I had been getting caught up in work and had been like "roommates", I realized I was lonely. I started fantasizing about other men. I told him this. He was NOT happy at first. But then after that, things got MUCH better. He started paying more attention to me. I started paying more attention to him. Things have been great now for over a year. He just needs to realize you're not happy.

Answer 5

My first question would be "have you verbalized this to your husband?" and if not, you probably should. If he realizes the magnitude of the problem, as well as your willingness to work on it, he may be more open to counseling.

The fact that you rarely have sex worries me, and makes me wonder if another woman is involved. The mention of his spending so much time on the computer is not good as well, as he may be living out his fantasy life via Internet porn, etc.

Speak with him about your concerns, and if he is unwilling to work with you on your marriage, move on. It is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't love or respect you as you are.

Answer 6

Before you do anything extreme, write him a letter or better yet, send him an e-mail telling him how you feel; I would suggest a counselor/therapist; If he's not starting up a new business or one of our nation's top executives, then he should have time for you...every day! Maybe he's just become obsessive/compulsive; some people do on the Internet! They feel like they're going to "miss" something or things/people can't get along without them unless they're constantly e-mailing/communicating; It's a disease!

Answer 7

my husband was the same.I would talk to him, beg him to get off the computer and give me a few minutes.Ask for help cooking, and anything else i could pull out. You need to show him what life would be like without you, pack your stuff and go on a mini vacation.To a hotel or relatives house for a week or 2.I mean that entire time! If he calls sound busy and let him go. He needs the distance to realize he loves you and life would be sh*t without you.It would be diffucult but worth the result.

Answer 8

If you divorce him I am sure you won't be alone very long. Maybe a suggestion that you are thinking about moving forward in your life will shake him up enough to turn of the stupid computer.

Answer 9

Tell him you think there is a money problem and that you both need to spend less money because you want to have sex and play with him more. Then tell him that you want him for him and not for the things he wants to give you. Then take him out to play pool and say loser is on top tonight. Remind him that he has nothing to prove.

Answer 10

Try setting up an appointment with him. Write in his date book or his computer journal. "11pm Wife will be in to see you. Its casual, BYOB. It shouldn't take longer than 1 hour." Surely, he has a sense of humor, and then show up for your appointment. Just make the most of what you got. It ain't no better out in this big, lonely, spookie world.

Answer 11

I would advise trying to get more communication going. You need to be clear with your husband and express your needs. Your husband probably thinks that all the work he's doing is in part for you and that he's doing what has to be done.