I have been with my fiance for 5 years.. we're still pretty young and just starting our life together. He has a bank account and I recently told him we need a joint bank account. We live together and have 2 children... I am a stay at home mom. I have to ask him for every penny I want or need. He expects me to get the bills paid but I have to get him to sign the checks before I can send them out. I play roller derby so I am gone 2 or 3 nights a week for a couple of hours.. sometimes the other girls and I stop at a sports bar for a beer and some food on the way home. I have to ask him for money for that too. I dont need to work and I'd rather stay at home.. how can I get him to understand that I need to have access to the money just as he does. Its not like we are just boyfriend and girlfriend. We are engaged and have a family and a house and a life together. We have had 3 fights about this over the past two weeks and I feel it will continue to happen until something changes. Please help
2006-10-20 05:34:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Dont get me wrong he is not mean at all.. I think he is insecure. I have told him I should be treated as his equal thats why we have been fighting. He says we're not married and thats why I dont deserve to have a joint bank account with him.
2006-10-20 05:43:01 · update #1
I have always been the one trying to help HIM manage the money right.. he would get mad at me for bitching him out for overspending so no I dont go out and spend all kinds of money,
2006-10-20 05:47:45 · update #2
I'm the one who has put off the marriage not him. Not for any reason except that I want to have the money to have a nice wedding that I haave always dreamed of.. not in Vegas or something.
2006-10-20 06:09:37 · update #3
Sounds like he is immature or insecure and probably thinking with a very outdated gender role. I think it's great that you stay at home (I do, too) but you are entitled to the household income. If you aren't married it doesn't matter. You are still a family. And you are headed for the alter, so what is his issue? Do you think he will suddenly change his mind just because you wear his ring or take his name? You will still be doing the same thing: raising the children and maintaining the home. We all know what a huge job those things are. You should be entitled to some money just for you, no strings attached and no interrogation about what you used it for. Have you considered premarital counseling? Perhaps an objective point of view will help him see the light? Good luck.
2006-10-20 05:53:29 · answer #1 · answered by DivaDynamite 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Touch subject since you aren't married. You do need a joint bank account so the bills can be paid and you and he can both have access. Unless there is a specific reason (like you can't manage money, overspend, etc.) then he should be happy to give you access to the account. Good luck, honey!
2006-10-20 05:42:33 · answer #2 · answered by daj11551 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why haven't you gotten married? It sounds like it's all there except for the legal aspect. Do you have your name on the house, or is all property in his name? That is very concerning since you are raising his family and tending his house.
He is not treating you as equal and that is wrong. He may not be "mean" as you say, but is not being respectful or fair to you. You need to lay down the law and explain how all of this makes you feel. Seek professional help if he won't listen.
It sounds like he has some deep rooted issues that need therapy. It is not normal for a man to be some apparently committed yet so untrusting and paranoid. His control over you needs to stop. It is not healthy for any of you.
2006-10-20 05:52:12 · answer #3 · answered by Sativa 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He wants too be In "Control" of you. By having too ask him for money It makes him feel superior too you. You HAVE too change this situtation and do It now. Don't even think about marrying this guy unless you get this situtation resolved. 5 years is a very long time too be engaged. If my instincts are right, he has no plans too get married in the near future. I'm sorry, but that is my opinion. He thinks you don't have any right too the bank account because you two aren't married, but you have his kids...you keep his house clean...you cook his meals.. you do his laundry....hmmmm....now tell me, where is the logic in that statemenet about you not having rights too ..money?
The arguments will get worse in the future unless something changes. I think you will have some hard decisions too make in the near future unless this issue is resolved. Good luck..
2006-10-20 06:02:05 · answer #4 · answered by Rose T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, kudos to you for choosing to stay at home.
Anyway, hows this? Get 3 bank accounts. One joint, one his, one yours. Deposit enough of his paychecks to pay the bills into the joint account. Split the remainder equally into your individual private accounts.
After all, just because he works outside the home and earns a paycheck does NOT mean that the money is his and you get none. In fact, based on personal experience, I'd say that you prolly work harder than he does....shame being a stay-at-home mom doesn't pay well!!!
--- EDIT ---
By the way, who signs checks anymore? Don't you pay your bills online?
2006-10-20 05:42:14 · answer #5 · answered by Sheik Yerbouti 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do you have a history of financial irresponsibility? What reasons does he give for keeping the situtation the way it is now? I agree that if the two people run the household together, they need to have equal access to the finances. If there isn't a good reason for him to mistrust you with the money, you have to ask yourself if you would be ok with this situation for as long as the two of you are together; if you're willing to accept it - try to find a work-around; you may very well have to go to work if you want to have your own money.
2006-10-20 05:44:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because if he has the money he has the control. He doesn't have to worry about you going anywhere by yourself without you telling him first, because you will most likely need money. He will probably be hesitant to get a joint bank account even if you get married.
Hope everything works out,
Drew Bryant
2006-10-20 06:11:18 · answer #7 · answered by drew.bryant 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, this guy is controlling and your kids don't need to have a father like him. Get your self out of there. If you don't want to do that, then put both feet on the ground and stand your ground. If he says no to anything, then take the kids to grandmas and tell gma what is going on and stay there and get a job. You need some money of your own as well. believe me. I was in a relationship and he also said I don't need a job, but I convinced him that I was going to work. Even if it means working at a cafe. But he wasn't controlling. You need get yourself some confidence. So get both feet on the ground and stay there till he gives up. It might take a while for you to get your way, but it is worth it.
If you want to e-mail me with anymore questions of your relationship with him, let me know. My e-mail is in the know your sources.
2006-10-20 05:44:58 · answer #8 · answered by Love's Immortal 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You aren't really tired of it or you would try to get a job even part time. I think he's wrong because you are already in the role of a wife but I think he's pushing you to marry him. Honey the dream wedding doesn't matter. It's just one day versus the rest of your life. Which would you prefer to be perfect.
2006-10-20 07:04:22 · answer #9 · answered by Carrie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl - the red flags are flying all around this situation and you can't see this?! I'm surprised cave boy doesn't make you stay in the house and only go out when he does! He is a controlling, manipulative, sociopath and you need to do something about it. It will continue and you will see more and more of your independence slipping further and further away from you! I speak the truth. Miracles do happen, but I don't think they will in this relationship.
2006-10-20 05:43:08 · answer #10 · answered by yokrem 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋