Am I being unreasonable?

Question

My fiance and I just started living together, we're getting married next year. But I find it's hard to spend any quality time together because he's always running his family around. He has two older sisters and a brother (between the ages of 46-52) that live at home with his mom. My finance is 42 - all those adults living at home but they call him all the time. Last night, I cooked a very nice dinner and he promised me we would have a nice quiet evening together NO INTERRUPTIONS. Well, right after we ate, his sister calls and said something that made him angry, so now he's in a bad mood, and he's kinda snapping at me. Then when I looked at him strange, he said "I'm sorry I"m kinda upset." His sister calls back and asks him to take her to the store, and he took her! I'm not selfish, I know he is the type of guy that is always helping people and who people call when they need help - but I find it's really throwing a monkey wrench into "our thang." He also has a problem saying No

Answer 1

I am not married but my boyfriend acts the same way as far as going out of his way to help people. Every time that he wants to act this way, i just try to explain to him that he CAN say no, and there is not a problem with that. However, I love this aspect when it comes to me and him because every time I need something, he is always there. Just put your foot down. Make some ground rules. Explain that this is pushing you and him apart.

Answer 2

Sweetheart this is a touchy subject. He feels obligated to them for some reason, but he needs an eye opener to your relationship being withered. Support him in helping his family dont complain or it will backfire on you horribly. React sadly not madly. Try making plans where the two of you leave town, this way you have more ALONE time you know. This one may sound drastic but if possible look at moving further away from them. Sounds like he needs a little apron strings cut. Dont make obvious why you want to move though. Some cases this is the only option. That is what my fiance did to me, I just dont let him know I figured it out. And I am cool with it now because I needed a little distance.

Answer 3

'He also has a problem saying No '
'and he promised me we would have a nice quiet evening together NO INTERRUPTIONS'

- he doesn't seem to have much problem saying no, or keeping a promise, to you. Of course family comes first, but this is ridiculous - you're living together, planning to get married, so you are family too! Try reading your post from the third persons point of view and ask yourself what you'd advise 'her' to do. You either put your foot down now, or go back to living separately, or you're going to take a back seat for the rest of your life.

Answer 4

So, there are 4 "kids" aged 42 to 52 including your fiance who are still members of an immediate family. They never transitioned into an extended family. If you're going to make your marraige work, he's going to have to make that transition.

Maybe he could start out small, for example by not answering the phone when it rings. Let them leave a voice mail.

Answer 5

Well i can understand that my father is like that with his family. His mom just passed away but before all of that he used to take them eveywhere and i used to tell him that he dont ever have time for me. But i live with him and he have family to so i have to understand that im not the only one in his live. But i think that yall need to go on vacation and dont take no cell phone or nothing just go together and dont take no calls from anyone. Unless it's an emergency.

Answer 6

He needs to put you first. My fiance and I had this same issue in dealing with his mother. She didn't approve of us moving in together (is okay now that we're planning a wedding and have a date set) and he was really hesitant to do something she didn't agree with. I told him that I put him first because no matter how much I love my family or agree with them about something, I have to LIVE WITH HIM and he needed to do me the same courtesy. It's tough sometimes but we've worked it out. If your fiance isn't willing to put YOU (as in your relationship) first, then he isn't ready for an adult relationship.

Answer 7

this sounds like my husband, only the family is two parents that can't seem to function without him and make him feel guilty everytime he can't help and his drug addicted sister who's kids have become his parents responsibility, but in reality have become mine. ( i love them to pieces!!!) i made it clear to my husband before we got married that i understood his family was important and that they needed him, but that our family was important and that i needed him too. i also made it clear that this was not going to be acceptable if we had children, now we have 10 month old twins, and for the most part getting married did stop a lot of it. but it didn't slow down until he finally told his father that he was married now and he couldn't do everything his parents asked of him. we still have fights every now and then because he wants to rush right over for what ever drama is going on, but it really calmed down a lot, i think the marriage worked out for him because now he has a legitimate excuse to get out of things without looking like a bad son or brother.

Answer 8

The first thing is you got ingaged knowing this about his family so the last thing you can do is get mad about it. Hes in his 40's and not going to change it or maybe he will get sick of it and finally tell them no. Either way you said yes to his proposal so dont start demanding that he cut the strings with them, it will only make him mad at you. Good luck!

Answer 9

Don't expect this change once you are married. You really need to talk with him and if he is not willing to make some type of compromise, you might consider moving forward with someone else. Is something physically wrong with his family?

Answer 10

I'm like that too. I like to help people, but there has to come a time when he puts his foot down and makes them realize that he has a life too. That life is with you. Tell him to stand up for your love for each other and lead a normal healthy life. Being a taxi for his family is not normal. Make him tell them to limiting rides to only 2x a week or something....tell them to get a freaking car!