Marriage advice??!!?

Question

My husband complains that we don't do it enough. Right now its like two or three times a week, sometimes once a week. I think he wants me to initiate more, but what we have is a communication problem. He won't initiate because he's afraid I'll say no, and if I initiate, which doesn't happen often, I have to freaking spell it out, and that takes all the fun out of it. We've been together over seven years, and I'm willing, but it's hard to get into it if I'm not turned on first. I've explained this to him, but he doesn't understand how to be passionate, and he frankly feels like its too much work and effort. How do I teach him how to properly initiate sex so that its passionate and fun for both of us, on a regular basis??

I need to show HIM how to turn ME on so that I can enjoy it more. I'll do it, but it should be fun, and its hard to get into for no reason... everyday! Candles and stuff is great, but you can't do all that craziness all the time, AND after work!

Answer 1

First of all, he should consider himself a lucky man that he gets it once a week or more. Most married couples can't say the same; life gets in the way too often.

Have a serious talk with him outside of any sexual situation. Turn off the TV, and let him know that you want to discuss what you can both do to improve your sex life. Let him know that while you are willing to have sex more often, and you are open to initiating things, you need him to stimulate you in return. Since you admit that most of this stems from a communication problem, you have to break down that barrier before you can succeed.

Find ways that can be signals for each other that will let the other one know when he/she is in the mood. Something simple, that you won't do outside of the asking, and return signals that don't require any verbal yes or no answers. Example: A kiss on the neck means that kisser is in the mood. A return kiss mean that the other is sayng yes, while a simple peck on the cheek means not tonight.

Then think of ways that he can be that passionate lover you desire. While you shouldn't criticize (this will only damage his ego) you should let him know specifically what turns you on, what turns you off, what you like, what you don't like. Things like "I really love it when you ____" or "Maybe we can try ____ and see how it feels." The more he knows, the better he'll get. Men aren't mind readers, so don't expect him to know what you like if you aren't willing to speak up about it.

Make sure he's telling you the same in return. Also, if he wants you to do all the work once in awhile, then let him know that you expect him to return the favor. You will meet him half way. One time, you will take the lead, but the next time it will be his turn. All that "work and effort" should be worth it to him if it gets him what he wants in the end. If he wants sex, then he can't expect you to turn it on and make him happy if you are going unsatisfied. If he wants an orgasm, then he better give you one too.

This would be a good time to bring up actual material that you can learn from, books, magazines, websites, movies, etc... You two need to educate yourselves more on foreplay and how to please your partner. It sounds like (no offense intended) that you two are stuck in a rut more than anything, so adding something new can bring back the excitment that you've lost after 7 years and counting.
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Sexuality/Advice/

Be open, be honest, and most of all, be willing to talk to each other. The more you communicate outside of the bedroom, the better it will get once you're there.

Answer 2

We've all been there. That is so common I think. It is the same in my home. What I do is when we're alone, I get a little handsy and start grabbing in the places I know he likes, and start kissing his neck. He will usually recprecate and take over. Or if I'm not in the mood but know my period is coming soon, I'll get myself in the mood in the shower before bed and then initiate it because by then I am horny and he loves that. DOn't be affraid to talk dirty, or command him as to the were and how. That is such a turn on for them. Or play with yourself in front of him...they love that. Sometimes I've been naked with only my apron on cooking after the kids have gone to bed and he comes home. That's an obvious sign. I usually make comments off and on that he doesn't find me attractive when he hasn't initiated in a while. He will usually feel guilty and I'll get it more often. Good luck.

Answer 3

There are 'real' products out there for women that can help get your body 'prepared' even when the mind isn't.

Men are more visual whereas women are more audial and sensory. My husband of 20 years 'never' got the 'passion' part. For him it was too much work too. Bear in mind a man can be ready to go in less than five minutes. Sometimes, it's about 20-30 for women.

First I would recommend you get a book like the sensual woman. Don't hide it from him, but read it with him. If he feels awkward, just explain that you are trying to help you both become more intimate in the ways you each need it. If you have a bath tub, get some nice sensual bath salts and get him to take a bath with you or just scrub your back.

This isn't the best answer I could give, but I don't have 30 pages to write on either.

Good luck

Answer 4

he's your HUSBAND, you should have no problem the next time he's watching tv, go into the bedroom light some candles, set up the room however, come out in a nighty, undies or nothing at all and just say "hey, wanna go to the bedroom?" with a smile, i guarantee he will get the point. i used to have a hard time initiating for fear of rejection, and also i am a little shy but this way is so direct and obvious without having to say much. try it, it works for me and has given me the confidence and courage to do and say more.
and in terms of you needing to be turned on in the beginning, start yourself, and i guarantee after you are having sex more often, he will get more into it, it will start to become a game and he is going to want to win, and by win i mean he will want to be able to be the one to get you off!!! you'll just have to show him how first!!

Answer 5

Men are observant not psychic. You have to show him you’re in the mood or want to be put in the mood. Go have a bath and put on some lingerie and walk past him pretending not to notice him. Believe me he will chase you down. Try having a signal for when you’re in the mood. For example when are having dinner ask “do you think it was a nice day today?" Tell him this is the signal that you want to make love tonight but want him to initiate it. This way he has time to think of how to get you in the mood. And will know you won’t turn him down. It doesn't make the sex totally spontaneous but it does help.

Answer 6

Depends on how into it you are. Maybe you should try some different things in the bedroom. I'm not talking hard core porn here but be a little creative. Think about what what would put you in the mood. Some suggestions would be, a sex game where you both interact. Some erotic toys or lingerie to help you get more foreplay out of him. Be assertive, let him know who's the woman..

Answer 7

It's not fair to you. He wants you to initiate sex so that you can do everything to him and he'll just lay there. or he'll get you started and then just lay there. That won't turn you on. You need to tell him. Don't be afraid to hurt his pride because he'll sit there and complain to you that you two don't do enough, but in reality, he's the one that's not doing enough. You need to get your point across. Next time he says, "Honey we don't do it enough." Tell him correction, you don't do anything enough. How are you supposed to satisfy him if he won't even try to satisfy you? After 7 years being together, it shouldn't be a question of who initiates sex. You should just be able to get it on. He needs to pleasure you in some type of way, while you pleasure him, if not you'll get right out of the mood.

Answer 8

that's a hard one......but you gotta give it a try......probably you should initiate sex, with gestures and touching......You know I found that sex is really all in your head. Think in advance before you approach your husband.....You might be at work, think about him and what he does to you that turns you on....by the time you get home you will probably be so turned on that you will tear him to pieces when you see him......Or maybe you guys can watch some romantic movies together......That have some really nice love scenes in them......net necessarily p orn. You guys also should probably go out more often, if you don't already....go out to dinner talk, walk have fun laugh, that usually works to get both of you in a good mood and relaxed.....I hope this helps honey...good luck

Answer 9

OMG are we the same person?! I have that problem too, be careful though I ended up offending mine and now he thinks that I am try to teach him like he never knew what to do. I guess I hurt his ego. I have thought of trying to dance for him like a stripper though because that would turn him on and we as woman are naturally turned on when men are responding to our curves, you know. I guess it gives a power thing, and maybe tease it a little the more worked up he gets might help both of you. This might open his eyes to initiating more and in a more creative way.

Answer 10

Well let's see. First of all, guys are usually shy about initiating things, especially if they have been reprimanded for it in the past. Just tell him it's alright and if need be literally couch him through it a few times (painful I know). We guys naturally have alot of doubts when it comes to woman. And he might very well wonder whether you enjoy it at all and that doesn't make him feel good. Positive reinforcement is your best bet.