roses for violet
a girl whose heart was entwined around a lavender rose meandered her way into his thoughts his thoughts that were too ccomplex for his mind to process put in a place like in between heaven and earth....lost in eternal dark he stoped his role...his role of nonchalant authority...authority assumed by all else...he was going to lose himself perhaps he already has...a gift given at birth or develped as he grew...no one knows these things...it was just there not genetics or heredity just maybe a selection...one made in a different lifetime...maybe a lifetime of ignorance ..and there granted a quarter life of intelligence ...but why would he lose it..had he done wrong that needed to be "righted" by the deprivation of his steathed luxury...of knowing..a cruel punishment whose true murder only he can see....to lose all of himself and put to float amongst mortals....for with his gift he was not..mortal...but would he know the difference.
2006-10-19 19:48:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
No offense meant, but 'a string of words does not a poem make' !
You are just going around in shallow and pretentious circles - without concentrating on any one central idea - which is vital for every good poem, lyric, or verse !
...Instead of simply playing with bombastic and ambiguous words to no purpose, try to relate some personal experience, or emotion, of your own in simple and unpretentious words - in not more than 12 to 16 lines.
...If your basic IDEA is beautiful, that would turn your effort into a poem - one that will help you leave your 'footsteps on the sands of time'.
Best of Luck.
2006-10-19 20:04:45 · answer #1 · answered by Scribbler 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Nothing poetry about it. Just alot of flowery words. I'm not 'feeling' it. Your story doesn't give an underlying emotion to move its readers.No head or tail.
Poetry is art. Art is the secret language to the soul that evoke emotions. Like a musician singing a sad song, the listeners must hear the sadness in his voice, not just for the sake of him 'singing'. When an artist paints, he shows what he's feeling or what the subject is feeling/thinking on the canvas, the viewers feel it too. Poetry is the same.
2006-10-20 02:56:54 · answer #2 · answered by Liz^24 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice. It's interesting, but it seems more like the intro to a short story than a poem. What is his gift? Why will he lose himself? Who is the girl in his thoughts?
2006-10-20 02:59:23 · answer #3 · answered by beautypsychic 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your prose was very good and descriptive, if not a tad gushy and redundant. Get rid of the constant ellipsis and structure it in the
true poem format, and use what you've got here and do another draft.
2006-10-20 03:27:42 · answer #4 · answered by Curt C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I couldn't understand it. It's way too dense. What is it?
Try to be clearer--economy of words is a precious idea. Try to use fewer words. And...uh... better formatting needed.
2006-10-20 09:10:03 · answer #5 · answered by Vernita G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is more prose then poem. poems are supposed to be abstract and...lame. this is prose. much cooler. for prose, you are using alot of big words. that can get too repeative. its good to be creative but dont try to sound like a walking thesorus.
2006-10-20 02:51:44 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't listen to pepper. This is a kind of poem called free-verse poem. And I think you are mature beyond your years. This poem is really deep and mature. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
2006-10-20 02:54:17 · answer #7 · answered by nightflowerphil 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
your a teen and you are attracted to a guy probably ur age
whom u liked for his nonchalance at gesturing authoritatively
which he lost when he got to know u and ur wondering why
2006-10-20 03:53:46 · answer #8 · answered by bro_norman 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like a story to me.
2006-10-20 03:04:39 · answer #9 · answered by Texas T 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Formatting bad, spelling errors. Please!
2006-10-20 02:53:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋