Am I being unreasonable?

Question

My husband goes to school or works from 9am-10pm weekdays. When he gets off he just plays computer games until very late at night/early morning and never helps around the house. I attend school on weekdays untill 2 or 4 and then watch our daughter while he works. I do the best I can on the house work but I'm handling a serious load and I'm falling behind. I'm also a fulltime student so I often am up late trying to complete homework and do projects. We argue all the time about cleaning and who's doing what and who's not doing enough. I feel bad that I nag him after a long day but my days are just as long. I need help with this because it's tearing us apart. I resent him and he's always annoyed with me for nagging at him. What do I do?

<< He's a computer engineer...there's no "breaking the internet" that he's incapable of handling

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<< I would LOVE to shut off the internet but he works from home and we both have online classwork.

Let me clarify "work" He is a engineer for an small online publishing company. He works 5-10 from home. He answers the occasional customer service question but mainly deals with site malfunction etc. He only has however many of those problems that happened that day. Everytime I look over while he's "working" he's playing games. Or he'll go lay in bed with a laptop and take a nap until someone needs him. During this I'm cooking, playing/raising our daughter, cleaning, and trying to do the work for 14 hours of college courses. I don't think that just because he's getting paid necesarrily means it's harder.

Another point. In fact I'm paying for everything. We're living of off my savings. He now contributes some but in no way makes enough to support us as he hasn't finished his degree.

Answer 1

No, it's understandable to feel like you're doing all the work. Chances are, he probably feels the same. You both are carrying a very large load and are stressed. Unfortunately, the house work won't go away. I suggest taking turns. Make a schedule of chores and switch off daily. Definitely tell him exactly how you feel. If you don't, you'll feel resentment towards him which won't solve anything. Good luck. Be blessed.

Answer 2

Well, you aren't going to like all of my answer- so I hope you will at least hang in and read it all before you jump. In some ways, yes- you are being a bit unreasonable. He puts in more hours during the day at school and at work than you do. Once you finish with your school for the day, you get to come home. He doesn't, if I am understanding you correctly.
Please don't misunderstand me-I am not saying what you do is any less tiring, or challenging. But the time you have available and the time he has available to get the jobs done are not nearly the same. It really doesn't take that long to tidy up a house, and not every job gets done everyday. I take care of our home and 4 children, 24/7, plus homeschool them, and the daily housework rarely takes more than an hour per day. I can't imagine the three of you can be any messier than we are.
You did not mention how old your daughter is, so I don't know if what is overstressing you is the demand of keeping up with an infant or an active toddler on your own, the chores, or something else altogether. I suspect what is really behind your arguements has more to do with something else than the actual sharing of the household chores. The chores may be what you argue about, but that's not what's really behind all of this. I don't think it's the dust bunnies you resent, I think it's him and the freedom and lack of responsibilities that you feel he has, and you don't.
My advice is that either the two of you sit down and talk this out with one another, or with a marriage councellor- possibly through your college. There is more behind this than the dust bunnies and laundry, and until you two deal with that nothing is going to improve. If you can sit down and come to some sort of adult agreement, you can both keep sane and together- and keep a semi-clean household. If you don't sort it all out, and I'm not talking the laundry here- then you will not suceed. It's not about the chores, dear. That's just a symptom. You have to deal with the causes to make things get better.

Answer 3

Typically I would say that since he is away from the house more than you are going to work or school then you should carry most of the work load at home. However, if he has that much extra time that he can play games while you are still slaving away then he has enough time to be helping out.

Explain to him that you understand he has a big load and likes to enjoy his time off but you also would like to enjoy some time off. And maybe if he helped then you could both enjoy some time off together.

You could try this... worry about your daughter and you. Don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes or anything else. When he starts complaining about these things tell him you are busy taking care of yourself and your daughter and that you are not his mother. He can either help you with things so you can both enjoy some free time or he can fend for himself.

Personally that's what I would do.

As far as your housework goes. Don't expect it to be perfect. A cute little saying says something like this.... A clean home is a sign of no life. I can't remember exactly but that's the just of it. Just take care of what needs to be taken care of like dirty dishes and laundry. Try not to let anything pile up too much but don't stress on having the picture perfect home either.

Until this semester I was a full-time college student, a full-time single mother, and I worked part-time. My house was never perfect and neither are my grades... but nothing is failing etiher. Now I have help and not having to do everything alone.

Answer 4

consider one of two things.
Get a housecleaner (maid) to come twice a month to help you get caught up.
Or Consider picking your daughter up an hour or two after your done working so that you can get caught up on homework and other tasks.
Suggest that your husband split the difference with you.
You are wasting valuable time in your life feeling resentful and un appreciated. Your husband is obviously not responding to the way you are approaching this and vice versa.
Of you are unable to do the two things I mentioned. I suggest that you make a time for you and your husband to sit down and agree and abide by who can do what and when. Make a list together of the things that need to be done around the house and let each of you pick what you are willing to do with out feeling put upon.
Also take time for yourself. Even if its only 30 minutes a day to recharge your battery. Tell him you want him to be able to do the same thing. And last but not least make some time for you and your husband alone where talking about "issues" is off limits. wether its taking a walk everyday in the morning. watching a fav tv show or whatever it is you mutually enjoy. He is spending all his time on the computer to escape. Not neccesarilly from you but his own hectic life as well. try something different and stick to it. When you do have to pick up the slack around the house, Dont do it and feel resentful. Just do it because. He has a resposibility and a role to play as well. but focus on yourself first and see if he comes around. Whatever it is you are doing now isnt working....So try something different.

Answer 5

Sweetie, let's really look at this thing. He is at work/school until 10 p.m. and you only until 2 or 4 p.m. You have one child. Why is your house work lacking? I mean, I'm all for equality and everything but his days are extremely longer than yours. I work full time and have three children. I must clean my house, cook dinner, help with homework, etc. It is my duty as a mother and wife. Now there are some things that he should be willing to help you with like putting his clothes in the hamper or putting his dirty dishes in the sink but all in all, you are the woman. I didn't see you mention anything about you working??? You feel bad about nagging him because you know its wrong. WHat if you worked until 10 at night? Would you want to come home and clean up and he's been there practically all day? Stop making excuses. Keep your house clean. It's really not that hard. Make a schedule if you have to. For example, mop on Mon., wash sheets on Tues., etc.

Answer 6

Everyone needs some down time especially after a long day at work.

I understand that both of you are trying to get ahead with study etc, but seriously if it is beoming a situation that neither of you can handle then you need to re-think the sitauion at the moment.

Both of you need to lighten your loads otherwise you'll BOTH resent each other. The reason you guys are fighting all the time is because you are tired...........you are trying to do too much. Being a mum is a fulltime job in itself.

Maybe you could try doing school part time instead?

You have a daughter so obviously she is the first priority.

Answer 7

Hello evilangelfaery919,

If you think that you can keep going to school and watching your daughter by yourself without an old man to work and make money to pay the bills for you, then you're not being unreasonable.

I know, you think that he needs to do some work around the house too, but you have to understand that he works hard all day (and into the night) so that you can have food on the table and take care of your needs.

It sounds like you guys need to make some time for each other, instead of just going into your own little worlds that don't have anything to do with each other. Just a little pillow talk and you'll be a little closer. Best of luck to you and your family.

--Rick

Answer 8

tell him you asked this question on the internet and that there are plenty of guys that would happily help out around the house you have both got it good sounds like you love each other or you would not still be together, say to husband we are both busy lets have one day a week for 4 hours where we both just do housework then the other days will be less stressful and no nagging he will want to spend time with you and help you if that does not work, message me a i will take you on a date that might get him of his internet

Answer 9

I understand your situation. Basically both of your are busy doing your own businesses yet your husband finds no time to help you in the household chores. I know that both of your are suppose to contribute in the cleaning etc. but you must know this, THE STARTING POINT OF THE END OF A RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN BOTH PARTIES CLAIM THEMSELVES TO BE RIGHTEOUS AND THIER PARTNERS TO BE WORTHLESS.

Based from what I've noticed from the cases of divorced couples, most of the couples started by either one or both of them telling that the other one is wrong and that they've been doing great things. I am not however telling you that you shouldn't complain to your husband. I am not telling you that you don't have the right, and that if you want to keep your relationship, you better keep your mouth shut. What I want you to know is that you better deal with your tiny altercation/misunderstanding without being prejudicial towards each other. I don't think that your husband should take all the blame, neither should you be blamed for it. Both of you are responsible and you have to acknowledge that. If one of you does not acknowledge fault, it only means to say that the problem becomes vicious. It will never be resolved not until you both recognise each other's fault and work together to resolve it.

There is no better way to deal with your problem than to talk to your husband. When you talk to him, try not to sound like you're nagging him. Here's my simple suggestion, when you get home at night, try to do the household chores yourself. Do not force your husband to help you. Make him feel that you are doing it alone and that you are pleased to serve him. I'm sure your husband will notice that. Do not however mix your actions with sarcasms, make it a point to show that you love what you are doing and that you aren't mad at him. After dinner, I'm pretty sure you are both in the mood to talk about the problem. Talk to your husband calmly and tell him the issue and what you want to happen. When both of you are in a pacified mood without the feeling of being agitated, the conversation will run smoothly. Make it a point that you get your message straight. Do not wonder around or use euphemisms when you talk to your husband. In that way, you make him feel that you're sincere and serious about the topic. In return, he will face it with the same attitude as you do.

You can bargain with him. For instance, you can make a schedule. Give him time to play computer games and try to join him sometimes. I've met a couple in their early 50's and it's amazing how they share house hold chores. If it have worked for them, I know it will work for you as well.

Lastly, always think about your family in whatever you do. Always include them as deciding factors in every decision you make.

Things are on your hands now. The decision is yours to make. I hope my suggestions will be of use to you.

Cheers.

Answer 10

You sit down with him and talk. Make a list of the household duties, as well as your other stuff, like hours spent on childcare and school. Do the same with his schedule. Then see what he is willing to share with you. Also keep in mind his idea of a 'clean house' may not be yours and what bothers you might not matter to him.
If all that fails, get counselling. Either alone or together because an issue like this, with so much else going on in your life, can cause a major rift in your marriage.
Good luck! HTH