We have two boys, ages 12 and 10. The 12 year old is easy going and even though I know it will hurt him, he will take it much better than the younger one. The 10 year old has already had fits when his Dad and I had arguments, especially when we had one on his birthday! He got his baseball bat and told us to knock it off and then made us tell each other we were sorry. The marriage is over though, their Dad has cheated on me, lies, steals and is currently in AA but I don't even know for sure that he has really stopped drinking all together. I decided that before I know it these boys will be away at college and I will be left alone with this lying, cheating old man and I just can't handle it. Does anyone have tips on how to tell the kids?
2006-10-19 18:21:09 · 9 answers · asked by COLLEEN F 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Just tell them and move on .....th boys will feel much better about it once hes gone and they're living in a more stable environment without the arguing and fighting.
They will be better off without all the tension in the house, and in years to come will realize.
It will be hard but you have to make your decision and stick to it for the sake of the kids.
2006-10-19 19:09:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I'm very sorry for what you and your children are going through. I was in your shoes 4 years ago. I was married for 16 years when my husband had an affair and suddenly started drinking out of control. The last straw was one night when he came home drunk and pushed me around. I got so scared I had to call the cops and vowed that I would not allow this man to harm me or my boys. My boys were 11 and 13 when this happened. When I finally told the boys that I was leaving their dad, they were both very angry and very hurt. Especially my oldest. He adored his father.
I assured them that we both still loved them very much and that the separation/divorce had nothing to do with them. Make sure you don't talk bad about their father in front of them. It's still their dad and they still love him. Your problems with your husband have nothing to do with the kids. Keep them out of it as much as possible. I think both you and your husband need to sit down and talk about how you're going to present it to the boys. They need to see that this is an agreement on both of your parts and that although you won't be living in the same house as Dad, he will always be a part of their lives. Assure them that they will be able to see Dad and call Dad anytime.
For the kids sake, try to team up with your husband and let them see only one story and not "mommy said and daddy said"...Don't make them feel like they need to take sides. Again, try to keep them out of this as much as possible.
At this point, it's not worth fighting and arguing anymore. If you feel that you cannot talk to him without it turing into world war III, then maybe find a mediator that will help you both communicate.
Deep breaths girl, this too shall pass. Try to find some quiet time to think and find some inner peace. You'll need all the peace you can get during this time of your life.
In the end, the boys will be fine. Kids have a great way of bouncing back. They are going to hurt, but they'll live. Let this experience draw you closer to them. You can all get through it together.
Good luck!!
2006-10-20 02:28:07 · answer #2 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best approach is to tell them that mom and dad have decided to separate. It has nothing to do with them at all. Do not badmouth your husband at all. Both boys are at an age to decide for themselves regarding their dad. However, the ten year old might do better with some counseling. However, it is an idea whether or not he stopped drinking to get both boys involved with Alateen which is a support group geared towards children of alcholics.
2006-10-19 19:35:51 · answer #3 · answered by dawncs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chances are, your children can already sense a divorce coming along anyways. Once you are ready to file divorce papers, you should be honest with them and let them know. I know this is obvious, but try to make sure they know it is not their fault. They will feel pretty insecure for awhile, and boys are known to act up after a divorce( but this is only short term!) so just try to make the transition as smooth as possible. Also, don't demonize their father to them. It is not good to lecture to them about how bad their dad is, even though their dad sure seems to have done some bad stuff. I know it is tempting, but if they grow up thinking about what a horrible father they have, it can really affect them later on in adulthood.
As additional support, I recommend drphil.com. He actually has some good advice about kids and divorce on his website.
Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you and your children.
2006-10-19 18:54:15 · answer #4 · answered by iloveeeyore 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whatever you do avoid critisism about him in front of your kids..I know thats hard but it will only hurt them more. If posable then the two of you should sit down with both of them and tell them that you both are splitting up and that you too love them and though you may be in different homes they will be loved and cared for all the same. No matter how you put it to them they will still be hurt and intitled to their feelings; The only thing you can really do to get them through this is to allow them and encourage them to talk about it.
2006-10-19 18:30:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I left my ex-husband when my two kids were about the same age as your two are. I knew that I was going to leave my ex-husband so I went to my kids one at a time to talk to them about it. I just told them that their dad and I couldn't get along any more and it was time for us to live apart and that they would still get to see their dad, he just wouldn't be living with us any more. And wanted to know how they felt about their dad not living there any more. They both knew that we were having serious problems and they were both more than glad for us to live apart and further more the kids didn't want their dad to live there again as they knew he was mean. They did care about him at the time, but just didn't want him there with us any more. He even got worse after he had to move out.
2006-10-19 19:10:38 · answer #6 · answered by SapphireB 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since they are old enough to understand, you should tell them up front... But also you should seek counseling for the youngest and all 3 of you should attend to help you thru all this. But the drinking is part of the problem.. You deserve better
2006-10-19 19:19:28 · answer #7 · answered by cockednlocked38 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think of you ought to tell them, according to hazard all of you are able to party and help him, you by no skill know till u attempt and so as that they've a top to renowned, think of in the event that they found out which you knew and did no longer tell them, they would be happy that a minimum of you advised them...And placed your self in his subject, does no longer you prefer your loved ones close to you? according to hazard you are able to help him get lower back on his feet and into preferable a classic life lower back, drugs use is a cry for help...I comprehend your subject as a mom that your frightened for babies, yet according to hazard you are able to help him recuperate and then whilst he's in a greater healthful state permit him see his babies, enable them to be a motivating component for him to get previous his habit
2016-11-24 19:17:39 · answer #8 · answered by crego 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just tell them. If they find out on their own, then it's worse for them. They'll be sad, but if they really loved you, then they would understand why you did this.
2006-10-19 18:28:01 · answer #9 · answered by Alyssa L 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋