Why am I a fruit cake for being married 26 years& its hard to let go after the husband cheated.?

Question

Working on the self esteem thing? Seek professional help, but I still love the man. I should say the man I fell in love with & not this jerk he has become. Divorce him is easy to say. How can you be married 26 years and then have a court give you a piece of paper and say you are no longer married. I have to break a old habit and I am asking how. Come better than you need a shrink. I want retribution. Best be told, needed my head checked 26 year old. I nursed a young tree to health and now the tree wants to take over and run wild. I want to prune it or chop it down, but my heart say you watched it grow and it grew with you. I am not crazy just heart broken. I don't need him, just wanted him. Do I love him or just hate the fact he is with another woman. I have a good job and a nice place to live. I am blessed with two grown children and two grandchildren. Anniversaries are hard to deal with. Just don't want to be the other woman. He treats me as if I am the other woman and she the wife.

Retibution was a wrong choice of word. If I wanted to be hateful, it would had been done a year ago. I do want the pain to stop. I tried to stay civil like one said in a previous question. It seems that the more I tried to be civil, more he seem to be hurtful. Our wedding anniversary was a day ago and he wrote me to say he feels he doesn't qualify to celebrate something in falsehood. I am trying to make it one hour, one day at a time. Basically, how I tolerated this long was denial. In my mind, he was back on the ship. I lived my life as he is away. Not thinking of the pain of dealing with this. He comes in port (just an example) and say some means things and I explain how it doesn't make sense, he don't call for a few. He say don't know what to say, I am sorry, I do love you, but I got myself into something I can't get out of. He said I am stronger than she. Why do I have to be the strong one while they are playing house with each other. Now, I have everyone thinking I am mental. Why

Answer 1

honey if he treats you like the other women you should enjoy it, the other women always come out on top.

Answer 2

You are not a fruit cake and your feelings are quiet normal in my opionion. Being married for 26 years and finding out the the man that you love is cheating with another woman is a hard thing to shallow. You have grown with this person and had chidren with this person. You have done everything with this person for 26 years. They have consumed your entire life. You have every right to feel this way and i do not think that you will get over it anytime soon. The only advice that i can give is hold your head high and remember that this was not your fault. Most men go through this phase and you have done nothing wrong. You are not the other woman even though you feel that way. You are the woman and no matter where and what he does in life when he see's the children it will slap him in the face. When he does not have what he had with you again he will be slapped. Finding a freind will help you male or female. Someone that you can talk to and get things off of your chest. My mom and dad where married for 27 years and when my dad died my mother knew that day that she would be alone for the rest of her life cause she always said that when daddy died god broke the mold. She said there was no use in looking. Not the same as your's but i wish that mother could have found someone to talk to and maybe she could have found someone else. My children keep her busy. Heath is 10 and my daughter is 18. I talk to her almost everyday and see her almost that much. Life does go on and you are the one who decides who and with whom. Good luck with your feelings. Try not to let the hurt bury you. Remember to keep your head high. Oh and by the way the answer to your question is Yes you do love him.

Answer 3

I went back and viewed your past questions, and it is clear that you are heartbroken and in a real emotionally trying period in your life. I understand, I have been there.....in fact, I am sort of in the same spot. No, I am not married, but I had a long term (5years) with a man that I wanted to spend my life with, and thought he did too. But he found a younger woman, and is now dating her. But he likes to keep me dangling just a little bit as a possible Plan B in case the young thing starts demanding marriage. Yes, I still love him. But I am smarter than he thinks I am. I am moving on without him. I have decided that the best thing for me (and at this point it is all about me, not him) is to make the best of my life, be happy and persue my own bliss. I am telling you this because I believe that is what you should do too. Yes it is going to be very difficult and will take all the courage and strength that you can muster. But I have found that women have much more inner strength and courage than any man can imagine having. YOU CAN DO THIS! Take it one hour at a time, and soon you will find that the hour has become a day, and then take that day at a time, and soon it will be a week. You see where I am going with this. Take care of you. Try not to dwell on him. Seek professional help to carry you through the bad times. Spend time with your grandchildren. It WILL get better. Let him go. Don't try to be his friend....at least for a while. Just leave him be, and carry on with your own life. God Bless and I'll be thinking of you.

Answer 4

I viewed your other questions --- it seems you have become accustomed to his bad behaviour. If that's what you want to spend the rest of your life with - then it's your decision....there's no revenge that will make you feel better - it'd only put you on his level. Accept the fact he is doing wrong and that you stayed on out of habit... forgive yourself - and keep moving forward.

Enjoy the children and grandkids.... you can be without him and do fine... the kids and grandkids can become a bigger part of your life... find a church to attend or ladies club - or get a new hobby.
Anniversaries and etc. aren't a big deal when you know in your heart that your husband is false...so why pretend he's fine for the sake of having another anniversary celebration - then he goes back to cheating and being bad. You can love him for being the father of your children and all -- but it doesn't mean you have to live with him and be disrespected.... those are my thoughts on the matter... the real decision is in your hands.

Answer 5

Even when the marriage is over, the mess of emotional attachment is not over right then & there... it takes time for that.
It took me 2 years to get thru it, after a 21 year marriage (he was a control freak & abusive).
Now he's married to a women who, when she says jump, he says how high?
That's his "just-dessert" (his reward for the way he treated me)... as Mother would put it...
I call it poetic justice.
There are going to be some things that you'll always love/like/admire about him, but it doesn't mean those things were the glue that held the relationship together all those years.
You apparently want retribution because he's made you feel like she's better than you... but, it doesn't mean she's better, just different.
He'll find out soon enough that the grass isn't any greener on the other side.
I hate it for him, but he'll just have to get over it.

Answer 6

i am very sorry to hear that he has done this to you a question thought is he still doing it? if it was a one time thing maybe you can forgive him you guys have been married for a while and you really love him from what i can tell God says forgive people can change give it another chance if he continues to cheat then you make the decision to leave believe me divorce is not an easy thing i am married and i dont have much experience with divorce but my husband moved out last night and he came back today cuz i couldnt let him go try to work it out for you and your children if you have any God Bless

Answer 7

if the retribution part of you is screaming out too loud to be ignored, you might wish to consider moving on first before the divorce papers & see what he says...

it's okay to still love the man but you can still turn yourself off to him as much as possible, he's treating you unspeakably. i'm sorry you have to endure it.

for the kid's & peace of mind you need to end this scenario, especially if they know what's going on because things like that can have terrible unforeseen effects on them later on in life.

if it's self esteem that's an issue then ask yourself this how do you esteem yourself now with him treating you this way?

how will you esteem yourself after you've broken up his little party and had your life on track. look on it as an unexpected opportunity to explore new possibilities, change your look if you want, renovate if your house needs it, have larger speakers, louder music, more & better food... whatever!! meet new people... this is an opportunity for a wide open future.

you're living in a rotting past right now it's festering and it won't stop corrupting your soul, your life, your rhythm until you divorce yourself from it.

Answer 8

There is a good book called "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It helps you weigh the good vs. the bad and make a decision. It tells you what other people in your situation have done and whether they were happier or not.

But as you seem to already know - if he is going to be with another woman instead of you, your relationship is already over and you may just need to face it even though you have 26 years behind you.

Answer 9

dont beat yourself up because you still love him....its not gonna stop overnight. those feelings will be there until there not anymore or a different form of them. he hurt you in the worst way. you have anger, heartbreak, of course i would hate the fact he is with someone else too. dont let him treat you anyway that you dont want to be treated....he has no say over anything to do with you anymore, so you do what you want and think is best. the next time he calls or whatever....just tell him you are too busy, have company or getting ready for a date.. or just tell him you have no wish to converse with him unless its about issues to do with the kids etc. join a club, go out with your friends. he is obviously moving on and you have a chance to move on also. if counseling helps, go, if yu have friends, connect up, get a paper and pen and write all the things that you want to do now.

Answer 10

much like me being single is a scary thought after so many years its very hard to break up I would suggest you give it time you will know what you should do the may take time even years but rest assured you are not alone ps I'm still leagally married

Answer 11

You should give yourself a LOT better credit than you put here.
Most would have Divorced when found out. But if he treats you
badly you'll know what to do, he might never change.