I'm second to my boyfriend's son.?

Question

My boyfriend has a child with another woman and I've really accepted this. However, he spends a LOT of money on him (and money IS an issue for us), tells me I'll never mean as much to him as his son, stuff like that. It really hurts and its hard not to compare myself to his son and the way he treats him. I want to love his son as my own but I dont know what to do and how to get past feeling so inadaquate compared to him. Please any advice is appreciated.

Answer 1

I respect the guy that he places his son as such a high priority in his life. However, if he ever wants to have a real family he needs to realize that a wife must always be number one. He also needs to realize that spending money he doesn't have on his son isn't going to make his relationship with his son any better. Instead all he is doing is showing his son how not to be responsible with money. The best thing you can do is sit your boyfriend down and tell him what you need and deserve in this relationship and how you feel. If his response remains the same then he just isn't the right guy for you and doesn't deserve you.

Answer 2

First of all, I think your heart is in the right place. It's huge that you want to love his son like your own. I have a problem with him telling you that you'll never mean as much to him as his son. Unless you are outright asking him who does he loves better, there is no need for him to be saying this. A child's relationship with a parent is entirely separate from an adult intimate relationship and there is no need to compare. People have different kinds of love for different people in their lives--he should love his son as a son and you as a lover. You two fill very separate (yet equally important) roles.

It almost seems like he is trying to punish you by showering affection and money on his son. Spending money on his son is one thing (which he should do), but spending lots and lots of money, perhaps on junk or frivolous things, while you two have money problems isn't good. It doesn't matter if you where his wife and his son your son, no parent should spent the money irresponsibly like that when the family unit needs it for more important things.

If this relationship was right, then he would be thrilled that you want to love his son and try to integrate you fully into his life. He would also value YOUR concerns about money. You are NOT second best (impossible to have a second when a ranking doesn't/shouldn't exist), and because he has emphasized this, you need to rethink if you really want to be with him. There are men in the same situation who know the difference and would never belittle their companion the way he does you. It will be hard but please decide what is best for your life, since he clearly has his priorities set in stone. Good luck.

Answer 3

of course he will love his child more, the child is a part of him, I agree w/ the other person, he should not tell you & hurt your feelings. Just let him raise his son as wishes
as long as the son is doing nothing bad to you,you should not get involved w/ the decipline.
As for the money issue tell the boyfriend you know how
much he cares for his son, but he needs to be responsible & get his bills paid while taking care of his son @ the same time. Good Luck

Answer 4

First thing, put yourself in his shoes, and then in his son's shoes.
In his shoes, he is taking care of his son, while he is dating/living with someone. His son is his first priority, whether you are there or not. He is a package deal.
In the boy's shoes, you are some lady who hangs around his DAD and whines about money, and not getting enough attention.
He has to stop playing video games with me to go kiss up to you.
You are a grown-up, but you act like a big baby. You think you OWN him. How can I cause some mischief here.
B/F might get to the place where he wants to marry you, and then The 2 of them will marry you and your family. Until then, you are his GIRLFRIEND. You should not be disciplining his child or making demands on BF that interfere with him being able to take care of his son.
Now, if he is telling you you will never mean as much as his son, you might LISTEN! That is important info! It is mean-spirited, too.
You might want to reconsider your relationship with this man. He sounds like he has ZERO plans to marry you, so you have a very shaky relationship--at best.
If he didn't have a son, he's have a race-car or band or something else that he cared about more. Sounds like you are a convenience at this point.
I know that hurts, too, but it is better to know the truth.
Do you want to love his son as a way to cement your relationship with this man or do you really like his son? You can't make yourself love someone, and even a small child is VERY SMART!! He knows you are sucking up to be nice to his daddy.
You are not going to get past feeling inadequate and being unfavorably compared to his son, because this isn't about his son. It is not a contest.
You are going to get in a better position somehow or quit.
My advice is to be the GIRLFRIEND.
I would never live with a man who has little kids--it is not a good role model for them. You get too attached or threatened. Eventually they will either hate you or love you. Either way, it is too much for them.
He is going to get what he can with as little outlay as possible.
Why buy the cow....?
Good luck, hon!

Answer 5

You're honestly complaining that a man spends time and money on his child? You'll never be as important to him as his child. Period. You'll never come first in his life. Period. Money wil always go the child. Period. Why don't you listen to what this man is saying and accept it? You will never be as important to him as his child. End of story. Can you get over it or not?
You should stop recycling used men and find a man who didn't get a woman knocked up out of wedlock and then move on to someone else (you) because it doesn't say much for his family values.
Find a man who hasn't created babies with other women, who puts you first, build a real relationship, get married and when you have your own children together, you WILL have the kind of loving relationships with your man and child that you're trying to force with this dead-end one.

Answer 6

Hard to tell . I think that he made a mistake with his ex and is doing all that he can to make sure his son doesn't suffer. Blood is thicker than water. I love my wife with all of my heart, but the you can't describe the love that you feel for your children until you experience it. It's hard. My father remarried when I was young and she brought a child with her. Everything changed that day. I don't know that his love for us changed, it was just that he was being pulled in two directions. My advice ? Do whatever you can to keep positive. Try not to complain and nag. Just be you, the same person that he cared for enough to commit to. If things don't change, then maybe you consider leaving the situation. Always have respect for yourself. If he doesn't, then maybe he doesn't deserve you.

Answer 7

first of all, the best thing you can do is stop thinking you're second to his son... you have a different relationship with him than he has with his son. of course it's going to seem that he's got more of a vested interest with his son (and probably it's true) as well as he should! that's the one thing in this world that is his! you guys might not make it but his son will always be his son. you gotta face that fact first.

you wanting to be a part of their lives is commendable, and i'm sure he's very appreciative of your indication to do so, but you can't ask him to not spend money on his son, it's even more commendable that he WANTS to do that when there are so many men out there who are deadbeat dads! i say cut him some slack and you'll see how much easier your relationship will be when you're not nagging his a** all day about the time and money he spends with and on his son!

Answer 8

Sorry you had to read the inflammatory response from Fire_God......it's sad when people jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts, and are quick to judge. Be that as it may, I understand your predicament very clearly because it is something I had to sit down and explain with my new wife when we first met. I have two wonderful children from my first marriage, and they mean the world to me...to a certain extent they were my Rock of Gibraltar while I was recovering from my divorce. The important thing here is the communication factor, and the willingness to hear and understand eachother when you talk about this situation. I understand his undying love for his child, as well as I understand that maybe he might be spending a little too much money unnecessarily on his son. Unfortunately, approaching a man regarding his relationship with his child is a very delicate situation.....and not something that should be done in an accusing or even questioning manner. I do agree that his statement regarding his love for his child over yours was a bit cruel and even hurtful......then again, he might have felt threatened by the way you approached the subject. Obviously I'm not there so I can't know what kind of communication you have or have had with him regarding this situation. The way I cleared the way for an understanding between my new wife and I was to talk openly and honestly, but with respect, and consideration. She was well aware of the fact that I was a Daddy......a man who loves to spend as much time as possible with his children, and that their welfare is one of the most important issues for him. She admits that seeing how I was with my kids was one of the factors that impressed her about me. At the same time she was worried about two things.....how my children might respond to her being in my life, and how my relationship with my children was going to affect my relationship with her, and how my relationship with her was going to affect my children. As a woman, she understands that ones children are straight-up the most important people in a parent's life.....be it a full-time or a part-time parent. That bond must be respected and considered sacred. At the same time, he must also give you your place in the big picture of things, and make you feel that you are a big part of the equation in his life. If you can approach him without sounding selfish, or jealous......you might actually be able to come to an understand with him. Think about all the people involved, and think of how to find a common bond in which all 3 of you can live in peaceful co-existence.....don't just think about your own feelings in this situation......there are 3 people involved here, and you're not blood. I hope it works out.
Best of Luck!
P.S. By the way.....in my relationship it has all worked out better than I had hoped.....the secret is Proactive Communication.

Answer 9

You will always come second, but you will end up coming nowhere if you don't accept his responsibility as a father. Aren't you proud that your bf is not one of the wankers that leaves their kids..... For there are plenty out there, at least you know how he would be should you ever have children and part!! As for how you feel, why do you even want to put yourself in the same bracket as his son, you are 2 completely different things in his life, his son will never be able to give him what you do and you will never be able to give him what his son does.

Keep at it...xx

Answer 10

In all actuallity, he should love his son more, but he's not supposed to let you know that because that would hurt your feelings. And by him throwing that in your face he must have been trying to hurt your feelings AND tell you something: you will never be in the front seat of his car. You need to move on because this guy's heart isn't big enough to share with his son and a woman. Its sad that he hasnt learned to multitask in love and distinguish in different types of love on different levels and for different people, but oh well THATS HIS LOSS! Please leave before you have to have a competition with his son, and you will never win no matter what you do!