In love with a married man...?

Question

Although I never thought it would ever happen to me, I have fallen in love with a married man, who is also in love with me. His wife is 17 years older than him; they have been married for 12 years, and don't have children together. There are kids involved, but they are older now, and were from his previous marriage. It all started, between him and I, as a really good friendship, but now we can't stop thinking about one another. We've now been "seeing" eachother for about 5 months. I know it's wrong, but everytime either one of us has tried to call it quits because "it's the right thing to do"...it just brings us closer. I guess my question is...is it TRUELY wrong to persue a married man if he has fallen out of love with his wife, is only with her because of the amount of time invested, and has fallen madly in love with you?

To answer a few of your questions...
he NEVER said he was going to leave his wife. In fact, he never said he doesn't LOVE his wife. In my own words, he's not INlove with her anymore. In his own words, he loves her, but not like he loves me. I was the one who was persistant. In the beginning, he kept saying it was wrong because he was married and he thought I was rebounding from my ex of 7 years. Now he realizes that I'm not rebounding, so I think he realizes the possiblility of a future is becoming a slight reality...we are both taking it one day at a time. Like I said, in the beginning he said he has no intention of leaving her, at least not anytime soon, and didn't want to hurt me so we tried to end it...now it's "I could do it to her, but not to my kids. I do plan on leaving her one day because her and I have grown so far apart, but I want to wait until both of my kids are moved out and have started their own lives." I guess he thinks then it won't be so hard on them...

And, yes, I'm younger.

Oh - and to explain the kid thing a little clearer, they aren't her's biologically, but she has been in their lives for the past 12 years (their real mom just dissappeared off the face of the earth when they were like 5 & 7), so she is still "Mom" to them.

Answer 1

I would tell you to be very careful. This man could be playing a game with you.

He may love you, but he's still married, and odds are, he will never divorce his wife.

You're going to get hurt on this one my dear. Just wait and see.

Answer 2

You can do anything you want include be in love with a married man. Just realize that folks who develop intimacy with someone when they are already married may not be the best prospect for the long term--they've just proved that they aren't. Some guys will, and do, say most anything to get into a girl's . . . you know the line. Do whatever the heck you want just remember two things. First, the chances that a married man will stay with his parmour after divorce are somewhere between slim and none (and statistics don't care how much he says he loves you). Second, be prepared for a difficult and unhappy ending when he does to you what he's done to his wife. Other than that, knock yourself out with fun.

Answer 3

however judgemental are does not matter.. People meet and come into each others lives all the time, some end bad and some do not end. You can ask for all the advice in the world, but the only thing that really matters is how you feel about it.. If you are tired of being the other, then you tell him and move on.. I really do understand, been there. I believe that some people do stay because of whatever reasons., usually the fear of the unknown. But in all honesty, YOU and only you can decide what is right for you. Follow your intuition and your heart... Best of luck...

Answer 4

First of all, how you would you feel if you were his wife and he was going this to you? Stay with him, and you will soon find out. If he wants to divorce her, then stay away from him until he does and then I would be very cautious being involved with him. What makes you think he won't do the same thing to you later on? There is no such thing in staying with someone because of the time vested; that is bull crap. If you are miserable, you will leave the marriage. If you can get it on the side, that is what you will say to get it on the side!

Answer 5

My dopey daughter does the same thing! Must be catching! I would run. Ok, statistics say that half the people are living together as couples. Marriage is sacred. Living together is NOTHING. If he dies, next of kin. Social Security and the wife clause does not pertain to you...Married once failed; married twice is fifty percent rate failure and to be fooling around is a no go for any type of staying together. This is only a feel good line for you. "I will divorce my wife" is a bunch of crap. My daughter's boyfriend needed a hundred and half for a divorce decree and he gets junk instead of the decree. It has been going on for five years! Think of one word: RESPECTABILITY. You only have one person to account to and if you cant account to that person with a clear conscience then you are going to be very miserable. That person is yourself. Peace

Answer 6

Yes, the rules are all different just for you because YOU are in love.
What a CROCK!
Nothing JUST HAPPENS-people do things they know are wrong and then try to act like they are not responsible.
Here are the facts:
Your idea of friendship is to corrupt a person you say you care about.
His idea of marriage is to sneak around and cheat with a "friend" while his clueless wife is being abused.
His kids are going to deal with a woman who is not a good role model for them, who cheats, and blames others, and calls it love.
Their father is a bum.
One of you needs to grow a spine and quit.
If he really is ready to leave his wife, and is so miserable and lonesome in his marriage--without your help- he will leave-for his own reasons.
His kids will be glad he has shown them how to deal with being unhappy in a mature and loving way.
If you are just his mid-life fling, his wife will make him pay forever, and he deserves it.
If he returns to you, then he has a backbone, and respects marriage and can stand up for what he wants. Then you can "see" each other. And he might be worth standing up for.
If he has a history of cheating-you are a number -and he will cheat on you, too. Promise.
No woman is so exquisitely fabulous to make a devoted man out of a bum. Sorry to burst your bubble.
The rules apply to you , too. Do unto others....

Answer 7

First of all are you younger than him also?
If so cant you see its the excitement of bedding a young bird that does it for him!
The part about not leaving because of the time invested is a complete load of crap from him to keep you sweet, so he can have his cake & eat it too.
I know a lot about messing about behind a partners back, because when i was a lot younger i had as many as 6 on the go @ the same time & you have to be one hell of a liar to pull it off.
Not that im proud of it @ all.
im just trying to let you know that i know what im on about.
I had No intention of leaving my girl for any of them, even though a couple were a lot better looking.
What kept me with her was what i would lose financially.
I,ve now been faithful since 1994 & much happier with myself as a person.
It isnt the kids either its what he will lose.
Good luck, find a man of your own, for your sake

Answer 8

Imagine he goes out on a simple errand and while there he passes time waiting speaking to a woman whom also is just there running an errand. They exchange numbers and arrange to do lunch. One thing leads to another and has sex with her. Now, he doesn't love his wife whom he is legally, and morally committed to. Is it wrong? He has no commitment to you at all. YOU are the OTHER WOMAN also. You aren't in any position to complain. Whatever he is doing with you ; he will do to you.

This relationship is purely based on sex and hasn't a solid foundation. You may not like hearing it but you are wrong to be involved with a married man. If he loves you truly then he will divorce his wife. When exactly did you say he filed for a divorce?

Answer 9

I have been there, he will never leave, he will tell you that he loves you and he probably does, but he won't leave, you need to know that. If you're willing to be with him and be the other woman go ahead and stay with him, I did that for 4 years and thank god I am not out, and very happy in my current relationship. I hope you come to your senses sooner than I did, they always say that they want to leave and they never do. Don't waste your time. Move on! Good luck

Answer 10

I think that women who knowingly date married me, should kick themselves in the rear. It is not right, nor is it funny. If he was truly in love with you, he would not have been married for the 5 months that you and him have been together... You may think that he is in love with you, so try this, tell him, in order for you all to continue, you need to split for a couple of weeks to give him time enough to get a divorce so that you and him can continue on... If it is really love with you this will be a priority and he will gladly accept your decision and do as he should have done before he got with you..."Get a divorce"... If he gives you an excuse, then you need to keep it' movin... Make sure you stop by the nearest church and get some prayer... You definately need to repent.... You know you ain't right...

Answer 11

If he didn't love his wife, he would already be separated or divorced.

Even though you've been seeing each other for FIVE MONTHS he still hasn't left yet? For some reason he's staying. Either because he is using you, or because of selfish reasons such as social status, money, ect.

He's not worth it. Find someone else. I'm NOT judging you, because I speak from experience! (Over a year since we split, he is STILL with her, and wants to whine to me about her! I don't have any part of it, and we RARELY talk now!)