I am a private tutor - how can I tell a mother that watching my session with her son is not a good idea?

Question

I am a private tutor and educational therapist. A mother of one of my students told me (not asked me) that she will be coming to watch my session with her son next week. Because I was caught off guard, I agreed. However, I do not feel as though this arrangement will be productive for me at all because I will be intimidated as will her son. The session will seem contrived and there will not be a natural flow like in our usual sessions. How can I tell the mom she can come in for 15 minutes but then she has to leave? I do not want her sitting in on the whole session because it will make everyone nervous and as though we are performing. How can I be professional and firm - but polite- so she knows where I am coming from and she respects my position. I don't want her to know I feel threatened. Please help! Thanks!

Answer 1

You said, "The session will seem contrived and there will not be a natural flow like in our usual sessions." I would say that exact thing to her and also tell her that you do not think that changing the current routine by having a third party present will be productive. You can also give her the 15 minute limit and let her know that in 15 mins she should be able to see how you work with her son. You may also want to ask her why she wants to do this. Maybe she has some concerns over the way the tutoring sessions are going and wants to see for herself what happens. A better option may be to set up a video camera and tape the session to give to her later. If you use the video option, I would not let her son know that he is being taped, as this could change the way he interacts with you.

Overall, you need to find out why she wants to sit it. That could answer all of your questions and will allow you to answer any of her questions or concerns.

Answer 2

Regardless of how you feel about the mother being there you really have to let her stay and observe this week, if for no other reason than you already said she could. Going back on your word would be very bad for this situation.

I'm a teacher and I get observed regularly by my colleagues, assistant principals and the principal. When I knew the first observation was coming I was sick to my stomach thinking about all the stuff that could go wrong and how the kids were going to behave how I should behave. And to tell you the truth all that worrying was for nothing. I've been teaching now for 8 years and I don't care who walks into my classroom, because I just keep doing the job that I know that I can do.

Apply the same thing to your own situation, it's a little strange to have a mom ask to observe the session, but she just wants to see what's going on. Ignore that she is there. Don't do anything differently, because if you do the son will notice and comment that you are different this week. Take a deep breath and remember that you can do the job that you are paid for with or without the mother in the room with you.

Good Luck. :)

Answer 3

The way you layed it out right here says to me that you have the ability to sort out your thoughts into what is cogent and what is not. If you put it to the mother exactly as you put it here, I think she would understand, but it would probably be more effective if you stress that her child is the one that would lose out.
My question though, is Why? Why does the mother want to sit in? Is she dissatisfied with what her child is getting out of the sessions? If you can answer that question, then you can also work that in, to make the very thing that she is concerned about *more* likely if she insists o disrupting your session in this way.
Also, is there a middle road that could be taken? Video-tape the session or have a webcam that makes it impossible for you to know when you are being observed? These are half-solutions at best, because you would still know that you were, at some level, being observed. But it would be easier to get used to these than it would to get used to the presence of the mother.
Hope this gives you some ideas.

Answer 4

I can empathize with your situation. I had a similar situation, but in my case, a principal allowed a parent to observe me with no advance notice. I was caught offguard, but I proceeded with the lesson as planned. Unfortunately, the lesson was oral reading and discussion of a chapter in Social Studies - one of the worst subjects for most 6th graders. While the parent was "observing", his daughter (one of the worst behaved students in my class) was a perfect angel, but there was little volunteering to read and very little discussion by the students. He was in the classroom for about 30 minutes. The parent (a prison guard) reported to the principal that I was ineffective as a teacher. His comments became part of my evaluation. I had to defend myself against comments from a person who had no idea about the day to day workings of a classroom.

Luckily, you have advance notice. I would let the mother know in advance that your teaching techniques may be different than those she may be familiar with and that some techniques may be based on earlier teaching that she has not observed. After all, her son is learning new techniques so he can cope in the regular classroom. Also, the tutoring session is for the student and you will answer questions after you are done, so she can't interrupt.

Good luck with your observation. Allowing one session to be observed can lessen the mother's anxieties about what goes on in her son's sessions. It will work out in the long run.

Answer 5

Mothers and Sons: The Truth About Mother-Son Realtionships by Babette Smith Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Raising the Next Generation of Men by Ann F. Caron Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlan Between Mothers and Sons: Women Writers Talk About Having Sons and Raising Men by Patricia Stevens Mother to Son: Shared Wisdom From the Heart by Melissa Harrison Mothers and Sons by Madeline L'Engle Why a Son Needs A Mom: 100 Reasons by Gregory E. Lang Mothers and Sons: In Their Own Words by Marianne Ruth Cook Chicken Soup for the Mother and Sons Soul: Stories to Celebrate the Lifelong Bond by Jack Canfield

Answer 6

You should feel confident enough of your tutoring skills to not be intimidated.
As a parent, I would like to visit a session, if only to learn the techniques to continue with the education at home.We all learn more from experience than paper.
If you told me that my child would be distracted by my being there, I would totally believe you, The one on one concentration would now be broken. So, I would not expect a perfect outcome of the session.
Explain this to the parent ahead of time and reiterate after the session, (if necessary) with examples.
Good luck.

Answer 7

There is obviously a question of trust here -- the mother doesn't trust that you're doing the job you are supposed to be doing. I don't know why she thinks that, but she does -- or she wouldn't want to watch your session. Perhaps she wants to make sure she's getting her money's worth (that you're tutoring the whole time and not just chatting), or that you're challenging the child enough (or not too much), or any number of other reasons.

What you need to do is to find out what the issue of trust is, and take steps to earn her trust. Talk to her, and find out why she wants to be there. Does she need to have more information about the things you're teaching, what your schedule is, etc.? Make sure she's more aware of exactly what you're doing and when.

There could be a lot of reasons, even (sorry) her worrying about sexual situations. You just need to find out why she wants to be there, and show her why her concerns are unfounded (if they are). I think you might just have to let her be there, it may be the only way to earn her trust.
Good luck.

Answer 8

"Mam, I really look forward to working with your son, and as a general rule, I only allow parents or other family to sit in on the first session, as it causes too much distraction for the child."

If she doesn't agree, then she may have to find someone else. But you pretty much need to let her stay the full first session, since you already agreed to it. I totally agree with you however; having mom or dad or grandma sitting and watching is too much stress on the child and the teacher. Good luck!

Answer 9

I think as a mom myself I would rather know you were nervous with me sitting in on a session or two, than to have you say no and wonder what you were doing with my son that you didn't want me to see (not that you are doing anything like that, but minds do work that way)

Answer 10

I'm a tutor, and I invite parents to eavesdrop. Is the end result of your session a productive one? You don't have to perform, but what she may not understand is that a certain amount of seemingly non-related conversation is necessary, and tell her it is to keep the child's attention.

You are probably worried because you hold yourself to too high of a standard. Believe me, she's gonna be bored after a few minutes.