Husband Making me choose between him and my Male Best Friend?

Question

I have been married for almost 4 years. I have been best friends with a male for 8 years. I love my husband, but I love my male b/f as well. My husband recognizes that my b/f and I have this bond/deep connection that no one understands because we have been through so much together. My male b/f is kinda of sleeps around meaning he has been with over 20 women. He hasn't been with one female over the 8 month mark. He just sleeps with them and then leave them. But he treats me differently then the other women. He told me that if he had the perfect girl and she didn't accept our friendship, he would kick her to the curb. I don't want to lose my husband because he is the best thing that has ever happen to me, but I want my male b/f in my life because I couldn't see it without him. Everyone is telling me to let him go because he is doing nothing with his life, but I'm the only one that understands him. I love him and he loves me, I don't know what to do, can anyone give me some advice please

Answer 1

The answer is simple chose youre husband if you love him it youre vow

Answer 2

Wow... I'm sure you were present at your wedding ceremony where you exchanged vows stating to love and honor and cherish, yada, yada... That means your husband comes first and foremost forsaking all others.

My male best friend and I have known each other for 25 years (since we were 5). While I would saw a leg off for my best friend, my man comes first. That was the commitment I made to him.

I'm very fortunate mine wouldn't make me choose, however, the reason he wouldn't is because my best friend is healthy for me. It's not a matter of understanding him, he and I have a healthy relationship, we are a family in a sense and we lift each other up.

I'm guessing your husband sees that this best friend of yours isn't healthy for you. You probably do things you wouldn't normally do for him or with him. I would hope this is the reason and not just petty jealousy.

I would suggest speaking with your husband and find out his motivation for making you choose one or the other. And if you feel his reason has some sort of validity (please keep an open mind and be rational with your thinking rather than emotional) discuss with him the possibility of just laying low with your best friend and simmering down the relationship. Maybe you and your husband can come to some sort of compromise that everyone can live with.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I perfectly understand this bond that you are describing and if your husband knows you, he should understand as well. But it seems that this friendship makes your husband uneasy or jealous. Maybe its because you guys are so close. Im sorry, but your priority should be with your husband.
Try and talk him into a compromise. Maybe not talk so often. For your guy friend to say he wouldnt let a girl come between you isnt fair, only because he has never felt anything serious for anyone yet. He doesnt really know he wouldnt until it happens. But you are married. Tell you husband that he knew before the marriage how close you were and to be reasonable. If he insists, then you may have to let the friendship go. Problem is, you may start to hold it against him and get angry about it.

Answer 4

Well, sounds like you just have to kick your husband to the curb then. Honey - you won't find a guy who will tolerate his wife's "male best friend" for long. The truth is - once you're married, your old friendships (male AND female) kinda take a back seat to your new partner. I spend significantly less time with my friends now that I'm married than when I was single - and it is normal and natural. If you're expecting to hang out with ANY friend for as often and as long as you did when you were single - you're going to run into conflicts with your husband. This friend being male introduces a whole new complication. You can still stay in touch with your "old friends", it just naturally won't be as often, and as intimate, as it once was. Do your husband a favor and back off this "friendship" a bit.

What your guy friend says about kicking the "perfect girl" to the curb speaks more of his immaturity than his loyalty.

Answer 5

Stop torturing yourself. You have to follow your heart and go with what works out for you best. When you initially met your husband and dated then became married he was always there, but somewhere along the line I believe you neglected your husbands feelings about him from the jump.

You actively chose to juggle your relationship between your BF and your husband because you want to satisfy a deep need to nurture your BF. You can't have your cake and eat it too. As you said, your true friends don't belive he is growing and or going anywhere. Why would you want to have someone like that in your life so strongly. Its okay if it's once in a while but the harder you attach yourself to him you will find your husband detaching himself from you emotionally.

You chose to be with your husband for a reason, you opened your heart and chose a path with your mate. Why confuse it with a relationship that hasn't grown from your past. I feel you are devoted to your BF but i haven't heard what he's done for you in terms of emotional growth.

When you decided to post you knew the answer all along, dont' confuse a lifetime of history for love and devotion. It's time to follow your heart and mind and nuture the things to make you a better person. Holding on to the past is only going to drag you behind. Trust me I know been there done that.

Take care

Answer 6

You are a married woman now, and to keep your husband happy, then you have to give up your friend. why not say to your husband, lets compromise, why can't I talk to him may be a couple of times a year? or ask him what suggestion can he make, and you just want to keep the lines of communications with your friend open. just to see how he is doing. and find out what he is up to! say is that too much to ask of you? Tell your husband that you love him, and that you hope that he can understand where you are coming from. but if he can't except how you feel about your friend, then you guess you have to stop seeing him! But say I enjoy my talks, and laughter with my friend. so try and think of it from my stand point!

Answer 7

A man must leave his family and cleave to his wife and become one flesh.

Evidently your husband is threatened by your male friend. That is reason enough to to push away from your male friend.

There may be more to this then meets the eye.

When I married , my wife was threatened by some life long female friends of mine.
They , when invited , would help them selves to things , say they knew their way around and told private jokes.

It was hard for me to put away life long friends who's children grew up calling me uncle. where I spent Thanksgivings , birthdays and Christmases, but I did.

I get a call on my birthday but have ceased contact. That was 21 years ago.
Doing this has strengthened the bond between my wife and I . I made the right choice.

Answer 8

Talk about a question that has received various answers ranging from "kick your friend's butt out onto the curb" to "Your husband should 'deal with it' and everything in between. Are you confused still? I wouldn't blame you for being confused, still.
In my opinion ... and it was my first thought ... I agreed with Valerie; if the shoe was on the other foot how would you "truly" feel about a situation where your husband was seeing a girlfriend that was exactly like your boyfriend? You come into his life four years ago and you're hearing him tell you about that girlfriend of eight years what you are telling him about your boyfriend now; knowing of her background as he knows of your boyfriend's background? In all honesty and truthfulness ... how would you feel? What would you be telling him at this time; in all honesty and truthfulness to yourself about this matter? By being honest and truthful with yourself you will need to seperate yourself --- severing the ties you have and feel (I wish I could underline that word -"feel") about your boyfriend for this moment of thinking and really put yourself in your husband's place.
IF you have truly done that; what I mentioned above; and you were real (underlining the word "real") with yourself and HONEST to yourself then what would you be saying at this point in time?
Because, in all honesty, it truly doesn't matter what we, the answerers think. True? You will act upon how you feel about this matter no matter what we say; am I possibly correct in my thinking there? Because I really feel, in my opinion, you will act upon what and how you feel about this entire matter; no matter what anyone says about it, true?
By asking, "well, what would you do?" is asking just that ... what WOULD I do in your situation. Answering that is easy ... I would distance myself from (since I'm a male) the girl for a time explaining that you, my wife, needs the attention, etc. right now. At a later time, MAYBE I'll come back but with the total understanding I am a boy friend; no more no less - period. OK, that's what I would do. But, the question still needs to be answered; what will YOU do?

Answer 9

Your husband is wrong.
You are a grown woman. You can have anyone for a friend you like. Your husband is not your daddy.
He he threatened to divorce you over this? He is being a bully.
If I were you, I would refuse to choose. Period.
That said, if there is absolutely no monkey business going on with you and your male pal, then your husband is out of line to tell you to lose him.
If you guys flirt and horse around, then you need to stop that, out of respect for his feelings--- and his radar is on for you to cheat.
If your male pal USED to be your lover, then you probably need to cut him loose, since there is great risk for you to cheat, and you are making your husband crazy worrying.
Whether your male friend is a loser or not, is not the question. You are not his mommy. You are his friend, but don't be his enabler.
Why does your husband want you to choose?
My feeling is that your friend wants to get with you, and you like being the center of this controversy. You like that he treats you differently. He could treat other women well, too, if he didn't have a thing for you (or you to fall back on). Some guys enjoy that their girl is married, because then they are safe from having to commit to a real relationship.
If that is the case, then you DO have to choose, because your loyalty is divided, and you are playing a very dangerous game.
My best suggestion is for you to drag yoru husband to marriage counselling, and let a therpist help you and him figure out what is going on there.
Yes, you can afford it, because this is your life we are talking about.

Answer 10

If your strictly just best-friends, then I don't see anything wrong with your relationship with him. If your not in love with your b/f then your husband shouldn't be asking you to leave your friend. I think that is very selfish of your husband to ask you to do that. On the other hand you should talk to your husband and tell him that its just a friendship and nothing more. I believe friends are a lifetime, just like husbands. My husband told me (after we were married) that I had to get rid of my b/f and I did. (AND I REGRET IT 100%) Don't do it if its not going to hurt your marriage. Try to help your husband understand the he is your friend and nothing more! Good luck!!! I hope everything turns out fine!

Answer 11

I envy you and so will many women readers. Two stable loving relationships with two men who love you and whom you love and who are not possessive. Don't give it all up without much thought.

Assert your own wants and needs here. You love both your husband and your boyfriend. It doesn't sound as though you are cut out for regular threesomes but you should not choose between them. Continue to love both of them, and if they can't stand each other, love them separately.

If your friends really are concerned that your boyfriend is wasting his life, then explain patiently that his life will be far worse wasted if he doesn't have you for a friend and lover. More likely your friends are hacked off that you aren't doing what they tell you and they don't give a toss about your boyfriend's life.