I have known my husband for 20 years. We have been together for 18 years and we have been married for 15 years. We have 2 boys. (13 & 8) I love him very much but I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. I know he loves me and he is a good man but I don't know if that is enough for me. Am I just being childish and selfish? I would do anything for him but I know for a fact that he would not do the same for me. Any good advice out there?
2006-10-19 04:46:11 · 23 answers · asked by missmyluke 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Marrages go through many stages (I've been married 27+ years ... been with each other for 32 years). In the beginning it's just you and him... Then children come along and priorities change. In addition, the aging process takes it's toll... You are not as attractive as you were when you were first married... Work hassles, making ends meet and thoughts of "how in the Hell will we be able to send the kids to college (or retire) if we continue spending this way" come into play. Now is when it takes "work" to keep the marrage going!
You have to start to make "dates" again.. Time spent away from the kids, the house and the hastles of day to day life. What my wife and I did was take up golf to start with. Although we are playing out own seperate game we still have the quality time together and each other's undivided attention to talk (between shots).
We also use special occastions to get away (just the two of us or sometimes with another couple. Vegas is our favorite for a quick 2 or 3 day getaway because there is so much to do and you break your normal daily schedule (when was the last time that you stayed out to the wee hours of the morning or woke up in the middle of the night and actually get out of bed to do something rather than toss and turn to try to fall back asleep?). And Vegas isn't that expensive if you go midweek!
We are fortunate enough to have a timeshare in Hawaii which we go to for two weeks every two years. The first week we invite another couple and the second week the couple leaves and the kids fly in. You will be amazed to discover how strong your marrage actually is when you stay in the same condo with another couple a whole week!
You say that " I would do anything for him but I know for a fact that he would not do the same for me". Marrage is never 50/50. One always does more than the other. Some people just have the "don't get-it" gene. It can be something as simple as if I am getting up to refill a drink and I notice that my wife needs one as well then I get her one... In 27+ years of marrage she has done that for me a few rare times.
Our roles are reversed. I stay home with the kids and she works so I also know about the side of the marrage where she feels that she brings in the money so (other than the kids) it's my job to everything else. It isn't really that way but it is definately skewed to where I do about 90%. But while she is out running a company and doing business deals I have time to myself during the day... When she comes home there isn't much time to decompress before it's bedtime and then get up at 5:30 to start the whole process over again. Can you see how a marrage can get strained by all of this?
I know that everyone's lives are different but I hope that my words have helped. Good Luck!
2006-10-19 05:33:59 · answer #1 · answered by Dan J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe a little selfish. Being married is a two way street. Once people have been married for some time it becomes a part of life and can seem boring. We end up taking the virtue for granted. That is why an event, such as a date night, is needed at least twice a month if not more. This will rekindle the "newness" of the relationship and should make it last quite a bit longer. Judging from the age of your kids you're probably getting the "empty nest" syndrome a little early.
2006-10-19 04:52:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Check out the program, Marriage Encounter. It is for couples married at least 3 years. My husband and I went about 27 years ago! wonderful.......anyway.....it is like a crash course in communication. It is a Friday night to Sunday afternoon session. You are guided thru the whole time you are there. There is no free time to goof off. It will make you laugh, cry, think, listen and learn about each other and how to deal with each other..........how to hear each other and speak to each other. It is so totally different from what people think it might be like. Most men think that they will not do well, and are pouting at the introduction of the weekend........and they end up being shocked that 'they had it in them" to do the weekend afterall.
http://www.wwme.org/
2006-10-19 05:11:09 · answer #3 · answered by darla 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you know this? Is it just a feeling or has he done stuff that proves absolutely he doesn't feel this way? Men often don't show their feelings in the same way as women and this gets interpreted as them not loving their wife as much, when the reality is they feel just as strong about their wife. After all this time together it is normal to wonder a bit but the truth is if you gave up all you have right now there is no guarantee that you end up happier or find someone who would love you more than him.
2006-10-19 04:51:03 · answer #4 · answered by rkrell 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-08-31 23:25:44 · answer #5 · answered by dassler 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you're being childish... What is "anything" anyway? Would you murder your children for him? I think not. "Anything" is relative. It sounds like he's already doing everything a good husband should; you guys have been together for this long, and he managed to keep you loving him throughout these years... That says *something*. You have no idea how many women WISH they could say about their husbands "I know he loves me, and he's a good man". Isn't this ENOUGH?
2006-10-19 04:58:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is really rough, and if people are ansering this that aren't married, they really don't know.
I have been with my husband for 13 years married for 9. He adopted my child.
I too have the feelings you have and have begun to look into myself to see if there is something missing in ME.
The only people in the world responsible for our happiness is ourselves.
As women that is hard to swallow, because we are brought up with "The strong husband is responsible for our happiness"
The fact is they aren't.
I am in the same situation as you so I can relate.
Try to focus on what YOU want out of YOUR life. Sometimes I think we lose our own identities when we get married.
2006-10-19 04:55:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
One book you might check out for perspective is "The 5 Love Languages". This thing "LOVE" means different things to different people, and everyone expresses it in different ways. The 5 'languages' in the book are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, service, physical touch.... maybe you are just not 'speaking the same language'. It seems a shame to give up on so many years over something so abstract as who loves who more??
2006-10-19 04:55:27 · answer #8 · answered by zmj 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This sounds selfish: "I would do anything for him but I know for a fact that he would not do the same for me."
You would... but you don^t? How do you know you would if you don't? How do you know he would not if you did not ask?
Stay with him. Make a list of what he does and think also about your children. Perhaps also like mentioned already: Get a job!
2006-10-19 05:09:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to look inside yourself and determine what is missing or what you want to have that you dont now. then share that with your hubby. good people are often taken for granted and all relationships stagnate from time to time. You need to realize that people (yourself) can change and be able to make changes in your marriage too. Your family is the most important thing in your life and it takes work and effort and LOTS of communication to keep all the parts of it in good healthy condition.
Talk to your husband. Try to understand what you are looking for and what changes could make an improvement. You've worked too hard and invested too much to simply consider walking away
2006-10-19 04:51:34 · answer #10 · answered by barn cat 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋