Marriage Trouble...?

Question

I have been married for five months today. I think it was a big mistake. He lies a lot about everything. I have three kids from a previous marriage, he acts inappropriately around them (swearing, fighting with them). I've started to have feelings for someone who has been interested in me for a long time. This guy is amazing, he is everything that you could ask for in a man. I feel confused and don't know what to do. If I leave my marriage I want to know for sure that it's not because of this other guy. We've been getting lots of counselling, sometimes things seem better, other times they are back to the same old. What do I do????

We only knew eachother for 4 months before we got married. He was great with the kids prior to marriage. Yes it was too quick.

I am in no way seeing this other guy.

This marriage was pretty much over before I started talking to this other guy at all. He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest. He's actually helping me on how to handle things to have the least amount of conflict.

I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband.
My ex helps out in everyway. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situtation any better.

I'm really not comfortable talking to my kids about what they think. What if they tell me they don't like him and then it ends. Will they feel to blame for the rest of their lives. I listen to them and observe. Don't get me wrong. Their opinion is very important to me, but I'm not sure including them in the decision making is the best way to go about things.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

Answer 1

I can understand your confusion with so many ups and downs. Marriage has lots of those, especially downs. You owe it to your husband to get to the source of his "issues" around your children and help him fix it immediately. HOWEVER: If he is not willing to work at bettering himself for the sake of your kids and your marriage, then there is no question about it....HE HAS TO GO!!!!
Marriage is a commitment, BUT when kids are involved....they have to come first!!! Any man that cannot accept that is not worthy of being married to!
Remember--
Kids are #1
Hubby is #2
That is how it should be.....you do what is best for your kids

Answer 2

You should still be basking in the afterglow of your honeymoon....and yet you are so miserable. You've taken the very brave step of admitting that you made a big mistake. You are right. This man lies, fights with your children and swears around them. You need to take a really good look at what message this is giving to your children - that it is okay by you for them to be subjected to all this. It isn't okay. You are unhappy - your children are probably unhappy and you need to take some action to fix it. You could probably get your marriage annulled.....and then take some time out to let you and your children heal from this experience.....before jumping into another relationship with the other man. If the other bloke is really serious about you - and is as amazing as you say - then he will be patient about waiting until you AND YOUR CHILDREN are ready for him to move into your lives. It isn't easy being a single mum and you can often feel that being with anyone is better than being alone. In the long run - it really isn't. Learn to love and respect yourself and build a good life for yourself and your children FIRST. Think about starting another relationship only when everything else has been sorted. Good luck!

Answer 3

How long were you and your husband together before you got married? Did you actually get a chance to know each other?? These are some questions you need to ask yourself...and if councelling doesn't seem to help at all, than maybe it's time to end the divorce...but in most cases sometimes people change when they get married. But if you no longer love your husband (and it's not because this other man) than I think it's safe to say it's over and you need to move on in your life and do what you need to do. Your husbands mistreatment of your children is not right and personally I wouldn't stand for his actions...but that's just me. Maybe some time apart will do you and your husband some good. Hope this helps. Good luck with anything. Take care!!!

Answer 4

The first thing you do is end all contact with this other guy. Tell him you need to make sure your doing the right thing and the only way to do that is to be fully focused on your marriage. If he really loves you he will respect your need to do this. Then you do just that, you focus on your marriage. You set goals and come up with a plan and see what happens. If after 3 or 4 months there is no progress and things aren't getting better then you know that it isn't for lack of trying or because of other feelings that it isn't working out.

Answer 5

Sometimes, we really don't get to know someones true personality until after we marry them. Sounds like your current husband needs to grow up and stop acting so immature and insensitive.
You need to step back and take a real, hard look at everything going on in your life. (wouldn't want ya to step out of the frying pan and jump into the fire) Question is, "how well do you really know this other man?"
If you choose to take the next leap, it shouldn't be too difficult......you've been married less than a year, therefore, could probably get an annulment.

Answer 6

Maybe not only should you see a marriage counselor but also a counselor just for individual help for yourself. 5 1/2 months is not very long to be 'working' on your problems. The mental, verbal and physical abuse have to be discussed in sessions with the counselor and things have to be discussed again and again to show the counselor whether they have improved or not. You have to speak up. You have to assert yourself because if you just coast through these sessions, nothing real will be discussed. Good luck! You're on the right track.

Answer 7

The other guy was around before you were married?
Why did you decide to marry your husband if this great guy was around already?
Sounds like a case of the "grass is greener".
If you marriage ends then let it end on its own.
Work on your marriage and see what happens.
Its always easy to picture someone as perfect, but after you live with them for a while then the true person comes out.

Answer 8

No matter what your kids come first and if you think that the atmosphere that he is creating will ultimately harm your kids then go. Your right don't do it for another guy. What happens if you leave your husband, and you form a relationship with this other guy and five months into your new relationship this guy is a jerk too. My sister has been putting up with a guy just like yours for a year and she says the same thing. Sometimes things are good but they always go back to bad. I don't know if its the same for you, but things are good when he is trying to make up for when he screwed up. I understand that sometimes you don't see what the outside world does, but you have to start thinking not about your marriage but about yourself and about your kids. Good luck.

Answer 9

First thing, speaking as a counselor, stop seeing the other guy right now. Drop that completely. That is adding problems to your marriage that you don't need. Don't take his calls, IM's, messages, nothing. Send him one email telling him that you are working on your marriage and will not accept any contact from him whatsoever. From experience, it's really hard blending families. It takes patience, love, more patience, more love. Good luck honey, and keep seeing the counselor. He/she is doing you guys some good, but it takes time. So give it some time.....

Answer 10

Despite what you might feel for your current man you have to put your children first. If he isn't good to them you have to leave. You children should be your first priority. Even if the other man is in the picture tell yourself you are doing it for your children. Sit down alone with your kids and ask for the truth and their feelings towards your husband. Let them help you make your decision. Do what is best for them not for you. Once you have made your decision then consider the new man. You have your kids you don't have to have a man in your life. Maybe some time alone just you and the kids would be good for all of you.