i am a married guy and pretty miserable. i have 2 good kids. i often fantasize that i drop dead and will get?

Question

out of this life easy and not have to deal with working and a wife that is never happy with anything. am i being selfish?

Answer 1

I've been there, done that... even still feel that way now sometimes.

I think I'm too passive sometimes, and the feelings you describe make you sound fairly passive as well.

Your life is just "happening" to you, you feel overwhelmed and controlled by everything, and you don't know any other escape from the unbearable pressure/misery except death.

And it's not even an active suicide -- you just find yourself wishing death would just *happen* to you, probably so you could avoid the responsibility of making even that decision.

It's a sucky place to be, and your feelings are honest ones, and you're bothering to ask other people's advice... but right now you sound like you're afraid to take responsibility for what's happening in your life.

Some things are forced on us (having to work, etc.), but it's still your life... and only you can make meaningful decisions about it. If you don't make some decisions, you will just be more and more miserable.

I think you need to take a breather and step back and reevaluate where you are as a person -- your work, where your relationships are, your feelings about yours kids. Get a clear handle on that stuff -- what do you love, what do you actually hate, what are you indifferent to, what things REALLY matter overall in your life, regardless of the obligations other people are putting on you right now?

You are no doubt trying to please many people and fulfill your adult responsibilities, and rather than being willing to stand up and risk confrontation or change, you're just feeling smaller and smaller and weaker and weaker.

I don't know your wife. Your assessment could be right for all that I can tell. But I do know that many times it's been easy for me to be self-absorbed in my own misery and feel like my wife is ungrateful or on my case far too much -- while at the same time she is suffering as well, and has some valid issues with my behavior even if she's overreacting in some ways.

(Chances are that you are passive in many ways, and she feels like she's carrying the load of taking care of the family. That builds resentment, and resentment contributes to nit-picking and complaining.)

I think once you get your head together, you're going to need a heart-to-heart with your wife to find out what she's feeling and why she's acting as she does.

It's not a discussion for accusations, it's a "let's get on the same page / help me understand your world and vice versa" discussion.

Maybe she'd be more on your side if she knew how she could support you, but you've got to be willing to take some active steps.

These aren't "silver bullet" steps, they are just general steps on the road to making some sort of positive and active changes in your life. It's not an easy road, and won't go according to plan; but you can't get anywhere if you don't roll up your sleeves and make the commitment to struggling through it.

You sound like you love your kids... or at least want to be there for them. If nothing else in life matters, or if everything else seems confusing, that's one solid commitment and sense of meaning you already seem to have. If you need to cling to that sense of love, then do so... and use it to motivate yourself to make other changes.

Answer 2

Yes, you're being very selfish! Anyone who wants to take their life is selfish. Haven't you heard that? You need to get into some counseling. If your wife wants to attend also, hey the more the merrier!! Don't put those two precious kids thru the misery of you steppin' out the chicken-sh*t, cowardly way cuz you're feeling blue! If she isn't happy with anything, than have you asked her why? Have the two of you communicated in a while? Can the marriage be saved with some counseling or just a divorce? Get the divorce if that's the only think that's going to satisfy either one of you. Your kids deserve the two of you to at least try to make it work, but if ya all are still miserable, it's better for the kids if they have two seperate parents that are happy than two parents who stay together (miserably so) for the sake of the children!! Don't do that! Your kids can't be happy until YOU are happy!! Good Luck!

Answer 3

Kids are never easy. It is a constant struggle to balance time for in a family. There is a positive here and that is that you have two good kids. There are millions that are less fortunate and have to deal with the pressures of autism, divorce, single parenting, and many other factors which make it hard to have a normal day. I would consider myself lucky. You still have your kids and your wife all you need to do is fix the relationship.
There are a number of ways and activities to help. Try looking for the things that you love about your wife, as most know people change after marriage. Then think about what you used to be like ...try to establish some of the old habits or do something nice for her and your kids. You may learn a great lesson. Bonding with your family will help get your mind in the right place.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

How can that be construed as being selfish?
I guess if wanting happiness, and appreciation for the things you do is selfish, then the whole damn planet is. Wanting these things are not selfish, but what is selfish to yourself is believing you cant have them, so therefore you create an escape from something you cant control. What makes you think if you drop dead, or drive into a brick wall, that your still going to be able to escape your own conciousness? It goes with you no matter what.
The message is their is no escape.THe only way to escape from anything is to confront it. You are a parent do you not think that your child sees your misery, and feels that in some way watching you this is the sacrifice they must make also. Do you want your children to believe that life is nothing but misery. YOu have a responsibility not only to your children, but to yourself to be happy. Find it..... Talk to your wife about your feelings. In time you will know what to do, whether that is to be together or not.
But Im sure she feels your misery too, and in some way feels just as out of control as you do, and the only way she finds control is through complaint. Open your heart to her, and you may see the difference, and find out that is what she all along has been waiting for. I wish you well

Answer 5

YES! Don't you think your kids deserve a happy life? Don't you think that would include a life WITH their father? Here's a novel idea....seperate for a while. Maybe you and your wife need some time away from each other. Find yourself, find happiness, and then decide if you want to stay married. But, no matter what, always be a good dad to your kids. See them as much as you can, do things with them. They will love you more for it later.

Answer 6

I don't think that you are selfish but i do think that you need to go to councelling. There is nothing wrong with going and talking to someone to sort your thoughts out. And once you start getting in the right direction and wouldnt be bad for the whole family to go. It just might save you and most importantly you family. Just think about your two beautiful kids... if the parents are unhappy then you better believe that yall are causing some stress on those kids too.

Answer 7

sounds like you are very depressed right now. you need to let your wife know how you feel. piss or get off the pot. work on your marriage so you can be happy with her again, and if that doesnt work, divorce her. then you both will be free to find happiness. and dont use the kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage. do you really want that as an example for them as to what love is?

Answer 8

Dude that is truly miserable. Get some counseling with your wife. If she won't go the go alone. Try to fix your situation before dropping dead.

Answer 9

My dad committed suicide and it hurts every day. I lost him 10 years ago and I still think about him everyday. Don't do this to your kids. Every event in their life (even the best like having my own family) has a bit of a dark cloud. Get out of the relationship, remember to enjoy life and be a good Dad. Good luck to you in your time of need.

Answer 10

sort of

What it sounds like is that you are suffering from Depression, which makes it hard to think clearly about anything. Please consider counseling, as it can help you get to the bottom of your issues, and help you resolve them.

Please also consider marriage counseling with your wife. Chances are, if you are miserable, she is too. And together you can resolve your issues, with the help of a trained professional and maybe things can turn around for you.