does the pain of divorce ever go away?

Question

i cant belive it does- how can it be that u get out of something awful but u feel at least as miserable if not more albeit a difft kind of misery? why does it take over your whole life and stagnate everything so u cant move on no matter how hard u try?

i have a friend who recently said to me, 'somtimes i forget i was ever married' !!!!! - HOW?!!

thanks guys for all your sweet words. - i dont have any feelings left i assure u. looking at the process i reckon i'm in despair mode - so one more step to go - altho' glad to say i have never and never would bargain for us to get back - i instigated the divorce - but only bcos one of us had too.. thats why its confusing - i made choice so why do i feel so bad - but feeling better today - much thanks to u guys.
yesp working out - i recommend it to all - think i got a bot carried away was doing 35 hours a week at gym on top 50 hours at work - trying to cut back now.

never easy is it? just glad to know that there are folks who kind of understand and don't think i'm being pathetic...

so THANK U - if i could give u all best answers i would!!

Answer 1

no im still suffering ten years later

Answer 2

I've been thru two divorces. The first one was a WOO-HOO! It was an awful marriage! The second one, I thought my feelings for him were done when we divorced, but I had to mourn the loss just the same. In fact, sometimes I still wish we could have made it work. I've told him that and he agreed. But we both know that it really couldn't. You're grieving a little too much for something that shouldn't be taking up all of time and energy. Stop thinking about the "good" times becuz ya know they were few and far between!! Remember the crappy times and ya need to start getting angry about it! Angry how awful the marriage was and how he may not of done this or that. Start thinking a lot more positive about your life without him! If ya don't, you're going to attract another man like him becuz you're so down! Pick your self esteem up off that floor, show your glow, and don't let the b*sturd have the satisfaction of knowing that you're still mourning his sorry *ss!! Come on girl - ya know ya can do it!! Get mad, get proud, get even by doing all of this!! He lost the best thing he ever had!! Keep believing this cuz it's true!!

Answer 3

Time is the best medicine. It heals all wounds. You have to be patient. The secret is that you cannot keep thinking of the past. You have to make a consious decision to move on and to forget the past. If there are things that need to be forgiven, then you need to seek counseling so that you can forgive, forget and move on. I was divorced 3 years ago after a 16 year marriage. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I had shared 16 years and 2 children with this man. But through prayer and also soul searching, I was able to move on. I put my focus on myself and my 2 sons. I moved to another state and started a new life for me and my boys. Today, I am free from the past and I look back only to thank God for bringing me through. You have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship (no matter how bad it was) but you can't stay there forever. Life goes on and so will your pain. When you look around you, you'll see that there is a lot more to life than just being miserable because you have a failed marriage. You're alive and hopefully you're also healthy. Take advantage of this time and focus on you and take care of YOU!! This is YOUR time. Cry, scream and kick if you have to, but then dry your tears, get up and move on girl!!! Good luck!

Answer 4

Denial. Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance. While “denial” sounds bad, it’s much like physical shock after an accident: The body shuts down until it can better deal with the pain. At this stage, you may need individual counseling with a minister or a professional counselor. Counseling can help you come to terms with the pain step-by-step as the initial shock of the divorce wears off.

Anger. Perceived or real injustice about the divorce; it can either be a controlled burn or out-of-control rage. Once you’re past the initial pain, being angry about your situation or at others involved is normal. It may even be justified (was the ex-spouse abusive or did he or she cheat?). That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s any less destructive. You need to control your anger and channel it toward healing. Maybe it’s time to train for a marathon or paint the house! If you can’t find a healthy outlet for your anger, seek counseling.

Bargaining. Desperately trying anything to gain back the spouse (jealousy, a makeover, promises to never do something again, a vacation together, etc.). At this stage, you might benefit from a support group. Check out local churches to find one near you. People who have “been there, done that” can remind you in a supportive way that it’s probably too late for quick fixes at this point. They’ll help you realize that bargaining will likely set you up for a fall when a reconciliation doesn’t work out (and the group will be there to catch you if you do fall or to help you put the pieces together after the landing).

Depression. An empty emotional tank; commonly displays itself in physical ways (sleep disturbances, changed eating patterns, irritability, exhaustion, etc.). Again, it’s a normal part of divorce to grieve the loss of your marriage. At this stage, you might want to find an accountability partner — of the same gender — who will listen. You’re looking for someone who won’t say, “Snap out of it!” but who’ll encourage, “Just get through this day or this week, and I’ll be here for you.” This might be an established friend or it might be someone new you meet through your support group.

Acceptance. Recognizing the past is past; it’s time to live in the present, and perhaps get ready to step forward into the future. This step occurs like a “light bulb” moment. It’s an internal realization not easily brought about by outside influences. Yet a support group might help if you feel stuck in a previous stage and can’t accept what’s happened.

Forgiveness. Releasing animosity toward the ex-spouse and establishing new relationships with healthy patterns and effective boundaries. For this final stage, a support group can be invaluable. Again, the “been there, done that” characteristic of a group can help you make sure the new relationship with your ex-spouse is a healthy one, grounded in the present (not trying to put the relationship back together) and aiming toward the future. This is the deep-cleaning stage, and a group can lift you up if you have feelings of emptiness (a resignation that the divorce is final) or renewed anger (if your ex-spouse doesn’t accept your apologies). This is from the website http://troubledwith.com/relationships.htm
These are the stages all suffer generally from a loss. Although some may never actually overcome the divorce altogether there are still many things we can do to better our lives. I've listed some sites below for extra guidance.
GoodLuck!

Answer 5

The pain goes away eventually, but you have to work on starting your new life as a single person. Look at it as an opportunity and not a defeat or failure. I don't think you ever forget you were married if you believed in the marriage you had. It is easy to say turn the page and harder to do so. I went through this and it was tough but you can get there. Discuss things with friends, not in a woe is me way, but a what do you think if I do this now I've got the chance? If you show you are getting on with your life people will not only help you but they will also respect you

Answer 6

I guess it all depends on how and why the break up happened, most start off amicably (I suppose) but end in what I can only refer to as a mix of loathing, hatred, anger, loss, grief and hopelessness.

Finding someone else who is less messed up than you is a good idea but most people who start off sounding sweet end up being in worse mental shape than the last person you were last with.

Also all the things we have to do like shopping for food and renting DVDs etc can bring stuff back, as can TV programmes and music + places and things around us.

I found moving away from the area helped but increased my isolation but as I wasn't allowed a social life to speak of when I was married (and then couldn't make new friends because the workplace was so small and the politics so bitter) I attempted suicide a few times, fell in love with a nurse who I never got around to asking out (even though her boyfriend wasn't highly regarded in some circles) my drug use then escalated followed by the ultimate low, yahoo answers!

Answer 7

It's a mind set that you can't dwell on the past nor judge and compare people you meet.Time will heal if you let it as I did because you may meet someone else that you'd like to be happy with instead of being alone all the time.There's no rush in doing so but you have to move on and think positive.If some one did something terrible to you ;you are suppose to forgive that person but it does'nt mean you are to forget what happened.Holding grudges will only eat away at you inside chaulk it up as experience and don't make them twice.

Answer 8

It is different for everyone. The only thing I can say is if after a fair amount of time you are still having problems, that maybe you should get some counseling or maybe even medication for depression. Others come through their divorce with pain and are able to move on relatively well. It doesn't mean that they loved their spouse any less, its all inside and how each person deals with pain. Just as with love, hate, anger and fear....everyone reacts differently.

Answer 9

I dont think the love you shared ever goes away but fades slowly as a figment of your imagination. but i know that when u are finally divorced it is like a chapter is closed and something you thought would last doesnt. I know it will take me awhile but in the end all of the fighting will not be any more and my children live with me but i can give them a good life and right now he doesnt come around and we live about 20 minutes away nor does he call when the children call him the get his voice mail. All i know is in the end when he wants in there life they might take a wile to accept him. so to me the divorce will evenutually be still painful but in remote areas for thought good luck. Also you will never forget you were married just sometimes not think of it as often.

Answer 10

hard question with lots of different angles that need to be considered. my own experience is that a divorce often makes us feel vulnerable and exposed... we gave everything, told everything, did everything... and somehow our heart doesnt ever want to be that vulnerable again. throw in a few other variables and its easy to vow never to get into another relationship so as not to ever feel that kind of pain and emptiness again.

that said, i think it takes another relationship to help us heal the scars from a previous one. i dont think you can just say, "well i want to start dating today". there are lots of steps to take to get to that mindset. what needs to be done is to get yourself ready to date and attract a good person. rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. be ready to date with the understanding that a date doesnt have to lead to a binding relationship- it can just be a chance to change your routine and meet someone knew. maybe it will result in a new friendship- and who couldnt use another friend? if the guy turns out to be all wrong, nothing hurt, just call it off when your heart tells you its not working. dating can be alot of fun- and you can control what you share. open your mind up to the possabilities and go slow.. one step at a time... and when the right person comes along, the emptiness you are feeling might become filled with something new and wonderful

Answer 11

I think of it like a death in the family. You are never completley over it, but in time...the pain subsides. Of course it is easier if you were the one who wanted the divorce, but the only the thing that can heal a broken heart is time....Just keep living life to the fullest, appreciating every day for what God has given you and in time, you will grow to accept and understand why things have turned out this way and you will find peace. Good luck...