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I don't love him anymore he is very controlling and I can't seem to do anything right for him no matter what I do. Here's the thing. I met this guy and have been talking to him on the phone only. Never met him in person. When I talk to this guy he understands everything I am going through and helps me in everyway he can. I never could talk to my husband the way I talk to him it seems weird to me. so my question is am I wrong for talking to him all the time or is it maybe fate that we met eachother? I tell him everything I don't have to lie about anything. he knows the whole truth about what is going on with me and he still talks to me every day. I am actully happy I have him right now is this bad or not I can't figure it out please help me

2006-10-19 02:53:20 · 20 answers · asked by lspalletta 2 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

20 answers

Oh I've been here!

What you really need to do is finish your relationship with your husband. Even tho you think you don't love him, there will be a small part of you that does. That small part will need to grieve, even if you think you're over him - you aren't, and you need to let yourself mourn the loss of your marriage. It sounds quacky I know, but it is so true! I thought I was done with my husband and over him before we ever got divorced becuz we didn't talk, we didn't do anything together, life was the same hum-drum crap it had always been. Then I bumped into a guy from my home town, younger than I so we never were in the same school at the same time - we grew up in a very small town that has one high school - one jr. high - that sort of thing - but he knew who I was becuz he'd wanted to ask me out way back when, and I graduated with his older sister. Anyway -- We had the best time that night, I laughed more than I'd laughed in 11 yrs., and he was a complete gentleman. He walked me back to my bro's who I was staying with that night and gave me a kiss goodnight! That kiss was all it took!! It melted me right down to my toes!! Well, I filed for divorce shortly afterwards, this guy was there talking to me and understanding just like the one you've met. When my divorce was final 30 days later, I wasn't over my ex. I still think about him, still see him because we have a child together, and still wonder if we'd make it. I highly doubt it. Couldn't make it happen twice before! But I mourned over that loss for some time. In fact, I still do a little. I didn't divorce him cuz I hated him, I did becuz we were both flat-lined drones just trying to make it thru each day and we led seperate lives. He couldn't handle my two children from a previous marriage and him and my son didn't talk for almost a year living in the same small house together!! I couldn't take the strain anymore. When he gave me his wedding ring back, I felt such udder and complete emptiness.

So--- the guy from home town and I started seeing each other, became a couple, lived together for about 9 mos. when one day he came home and out of the blue told me he couldn't live with me anymore! I had a complete breakdown, had to move my 3 kids and myself out of his house that he said was mine and our home (see, that's the point right there - "said" - doesn't hold up in a court!), and ya know who was there when I was at my lowest?? Yep - that ex-husband of mine! He helped me pack all of my stuff (even tho he'd put his back out the day before), put it in a moving van, put it in storage for me, and let me move into his home - no strings - no hanky-panky - none of it. And what did I go and do? I went back with the home town boy even tho during our short, brief breakup produced a child with a psycho ***** from hell!! We were back together for 10+ mos. when we found out the results of the DNA test were positive for him being daddy! The woman he slept with is known to be a two-faced, scheming, manipulative *****. That's why the DNA test. So, she has made life hell for the past 8 mos., but I'm her new "best friend" and she tells me how awesome I am and she loves me! Coming from a woman who told me I'd have nothing to do with her and my home town boy's baby girl! Well - so I dealt with that situation. When all was going well I thought, I get hit with another whammy!! We had a New Year's party (about 50-60 people). He got drunk, I went into the house around 10 (too many people make me very uncomfortable badly), and sometime thereafter, him (drunk) and my best friend of 33 years (sober) proceeded to have oral sex outside behind our garage. And not just once! They thought they heard someone coming the first time, so they dressed and went next door to our neighbor's garage and proceeded. I don't know if anyone got their jollies off, or if it lasted a few minutes like told to me, but it didn't matter - they both f*cked me over. So ya see - sometimes the grass isn't always greener in someone else's pasture! It may look sweet, and scrumptious, but it's really sour, and bitter! Oh, and by the way - we found out the baby was his in Feb. and I found out about NY's the end of March, and then I went and married him the end of April this year. Now - I keep thinking about that ex and how he never cheated on me, never lied, has been there for me, and he's safe - comforting ya know? I don't feel safe anymore with my current husband. What I mean by safe is - my feelings aren't safe.

2006-10-19 03:37:32 · answer #1 · answered by yokrem 2 · 0 2

There is a wise old saying that the grass is always greener on the other side. Its a pity that your husband and you are not getting on, and I'm sure talking to this guy over the phone is wonderful. I mean he is kind, understanding and at the moment he appears to be 'Mr Right'.

However;

1. As you have said yourself - you've told him all the nasty details about your husband so he knows exactly what irritates you so he can avoid doing the same thing.
2. You only get to communicate over the phone-how hard can it be for anybody to pretend to be perfect when all they have to do is act over the phone? For all you know he may be a worse slob than your husband.
3. Two wrongs have never made a right. Concentrating on this guy when you should be thinking about mending your relationship may lead you to a loss-loss situation. Go for counselling with your husband; re-negotiate terms in the relationship. It may be a surprise to you but most people don't say anything positive when one does well but are quick to jump on all the things they perceive as being done wrongly. I always say to my husband that he doesn't need to find fault because being human, I'm not perfect and there will be times I will truely err. Open up communications with your husband. Don't wait until something is wrong when neither of you will be able to think rationally but will both be going for the juglar; instead wait for a quiet moment when you are both feeling kindly towards each other then tell him your feelings; that he makes you feel inadequate.
He may even be surprised that you feel that way and he may try to change; give him a chance. After all you did marry him in the first place so there must have been something that attracted you to him in the first place??!

Whatever happens, beware of your phone pal - he may have worse faults - such as being physically abusive. It would be wrong to jump out of your marriage because you think you have a man waiting in the wings. You may leave a frog only to get a toad.

So think carefully as you make your decisions

2006-10-19 03:16:37 · answer #2 · answered by Ms S 3 · 0 0

Didn't it start out this way with your husband? You loved him once. This phone guy is on his best behavior. If he knows you're married, he's a jerk. Don't tell him everything about your life. If you do end up together he'll use it against you.
GET A DIVORCE before you go any further. Right now you're cheating on your husband. Turn it around. If your husband was just talking to someone so understanding on the phone how would you feel? You say you don't love him anymore, and I assume you don't want to find a way to change things, then let him go and move on with your life.

2006-10-19 03:12:49 · answer #3 · answered by areyoukidding 4 · 0 0

Uh-huh.....I'm willing to bet the thought of divorce or even the issue of you and your husband's difficuties didn't come to a head until you started in with Telephone Man.
Of course you can talk to him and he understands everything your husband doesn't. He's laying the groundwork to f*ck you. Oh come on....don't be shocked. you know it..I know it...and I'm willing to bet for the most part everyone else here knows it. You're searching for someone to justify your allowing this to happen. By the way...if this guy is it...then what attracted you to your husband in the first place? No doubt the same thing.

Oh...you know what I find very interesting? Your statement "I tell him (Telephone Man) everything and don't have to LIE (my caps) about anything". My, my, my......what a strange statement. Lie huh? Lie to your husband? About what?

If anyone can be held to task for torpedoing this marriage I'd have to say that you're largely responsible. Oh I'm not saying that hubby may not have some culpability here...but you and Telephone man are the catalyst.

But you're cruising for an affair. It'll happen too because I can see you'll allow it if the situation presented itself.

2006-10-19 03:14:03 · answer #4 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1 0

Relationships are tuff. You have to work to get what you want that's what makes it so rewarding. The problems that come out of a relationship are with you until they are resolved. when we change partners we think that things will be different but we end up with the same problems. The solution is to work your issues out with your Husband then if things are settled and you still feel the need to move on your free to go. thinking that someone new is the answer will only take you from the frying pan to the fire.

Face your problems they not as big as they seem to be.

Could it be possible that your husband sense your distance and knows something is wrong?

2006-10-19 03:06:30 · answer #5 · answered by mmmkay_us 5 · 0 0

If your husband is controlling, it will probably only get worst. You say you are not in love with him anymore and basically he doesn't appreciate you. First of all, do you think you care enough about him to try some marriage counseling? If not, things will most likely only get worst. I think this guy you have been talking to is helping to fulfill your emotional needs. I think your husband mistreats you and your new friend is sympathetic. Being in a bad marriage and finding a new male friend is a recipe for disaster. Decide what you want to do about your marriage and do it soon. Your husband may react in a way that is harmful to all of you.

2006-10-19 03:23:19 · answer #6 · answered by leigh 2 · 0 0

You're talking to another man about your problems and wanting to meet this guy? That would mean you'd cheat and that's not right and the other man obviously has no morals since he keeps talking to you. Tell your husband you're not happy and want out if he refuses to get help for his controlling nature. Don't make the mistake of having an affair of any type. If your husband won't listen, write him a letter and put it in his the seat of his car where he'll see it on his way to work.

2006-10-19 02:56:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

.The heart, and what rules it is a complex thing. NO one can tell you what is right or wrong for you, because when it comes right down to it, right and wrong is just a matter of perception.
There are so many people that we encounter who walk the same path as we do, but that does not mean they will be there for the journey.
Just as we as humans with physical bodies need food for energy, so does the soul. We gravitate to what feeds it. If your husband(the partner you have chosen) does not feed your soul, then you will feel empty, and grow to resent not only him, but yourself for doing what you feel is the right thing. THe right thing is not always clear in the moment, but in time becomes very clear.
I wish you well

2006-10-19 03:05:50 · answer #8 · answered by fryedaddy 3 · 0 0

You don't have to lie to your phone buddy because you have never really met him. This also implies that you feel it is necessary to lie to your husband...good basis for a strong relationship. Perhaps what you and your husband need is to enlist the help of a counselor to guide you through the process of looking at your marriage. The result could end up with you both deciding that divorce is the correct thing...but at leat you would have tried.

2006-10-19 02:58:34 · answer #9 · answered by IGH3Rat 5 · 1 0

First of all, yes, it is wrong for you to be talking to another guy. You made a committment to your husband for life, not just in good times. Have you heard of the book by Emmerson Eggerich; Love and Respect? If you really want to work it out with your husband, you need to read this book! What it's about is learning to respect your husband; which will cause him to love you. Please don't just give up; at least give his (book) a try. You may discover a whole different guy is in there. I'll pray for you, sister, and may God give you the strength to do the right thing. I care about you- truly

2006-10-19 03:08:57 · answer #10 · answered by cupcake 1 · 1 0

it's difficlut for me to imagine your full situation but you said , you don't love him.. you didn't say 'he doesn't love you' so it seem more of your fault..

You said that he is very controlling. May be it's his way of loving and protesting you. tell me, does he beat you, shout at you or insult you or completely ignore you ?.. if not, then you are wrong not him

Initially you must have married him coz you loved him once and liked things in him.. today you probably find things too boring between you two. Try to remember your good old days with him..add some fresh spice in your life.. go on holiidays together.. try to find those fine things again , which bought you closer to him once..

Changing your man and finding new company probably will not chage the scenario and you may find yourself in same situation again in future when you feel lack of love in life. what would you do then?

2006-10-19 03:10:31 · answer #11 · answered by pawan g 2 · 0 0

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