Can anyone help please?

Question

I have been with my partner for 10 years we have 3 children.
My problem is I think he is a compulsive liar he has lost three jobs and now has a really good job but my friend (who works with him)
keeps telling me things he is saying,for example I beat him and make him do all the housework.
I'm worried for him as it's obvious he has some sort of problem but I can't deal with it if he loses yet another job especially so close to christmas.
He is also occasionally violent and aggressive towards me what can I do ?
I know you will all say leave but I have nowhere to go a daughter with special needs who needs to stay at the school she is in and I have no means of supporting myself.
Please help.

I do work aprt time and have an education but if I leave how do I support myself ?
Childcare would cost more then I earn.
I'm not stupid I just need a plan before I do anything.

Answer 1

I know you say you need him but, for your own and your daughters sake you can't put up with violence and abuse. Get yourself a contingency plan and ask for support from family and friends, let this guy know that his behaviour can't carry on or you'll leave him. If he sorts himself out great, if not put your plan into action and leave. sorry but I can't see any alternatives.

Answer 2

I was going to ask whether you could trust your friend with reference to what she's told you about your partner saying things at work. But after reading further I don't hink that's the issue at all.
Any man who physically abuses his partner should be put in a room alone with 10 men who feel like me about this subject.
What about the next time he abuses you and he puts you in hospital, or he loses his temper with your daughter. Don't say it can't happen cos it can.
Any hardship away from him must be better than staying with him?
Although it may seem too hard to go it alone, just you and your daughter, once you have made that first step I am sure you will feel it was worth it. And you don't have to do it alone. Have you got any family or friends you can confide in? If not there are lots of groups out there that are waiting for you to call so they can help you. Use the internet to find them or CAB, the local papers are also a good source for information. Don't for one minute think it is in any way your fault, it isn't. For the sake of both you and your daughter, swallow your pride, (if you need to), take a deep breath and do something to change this terrible situation.
You don't have to leave today although that would be best, plan it out, when you have time alone make those phonecalls, look in those papers and visit those help groups.
If it takes you 5 years to get back up to where you are now financially then so be it, think of all those years you and your daughter can live without fear.
And finally I must say, and you probably won't believe me at the moment, but there will be someone out there who will treat you right, who will love you and your daughter, who will make you happy.
Good Luck

Answer 3

Your'e not in a good situation. Have you tried talking to your patner about this? It's very hard to be in a relationship when people aren't on the same level. I wish I had some magic answer for you but I know that you know that such a thing doesn't exist. I guess all you can do is try to talk to him about this, no matter how hard that will be.

Even if you don't want to leave him, you might want to give him the impression that if things don't improve, you will find a way to leave him and take the children with you. I know from personal experience that packing up and leaving is not an easy thing to do, even when the money isn't an issue.

Answer 4

You can't expect anyone in their right mind to give you advice on how to stay and deal with a man that is abusive or aggressive. The whole point to people thinking you should get out is for the safety and well being of your children, as well as yourself. Do you want your children growing up thinking it's okay to be that way, or to be with someone that way?
My advice would be to find a way to make it on your own. Take some classes while you are at home. There are tons of schooling you can do from home via the Internet. Find a way to make life better for you and your children. If you have to stay just long enough to get yourself that job that will give you the ability to support you and your children, then do so. Don't lie to yourself though, he won't change!

Answer 5

Well considering YOU can't do anything about HIS problem the only choices you have are to leave or deal with it.

I know what it is like to feel stuck. But your not doing yourself or your daughter any favors by staying in this unhappy relationship with this unstable man.

Either try to get him into counceling or get yourself in a position to where you can support yourself and your daughter. I would suggest no matter what happens with him that you find a way to improve your situation so you never have to be so dependent on anyone else. Then you will never have to worry about being stuck.

Personally I don't have children with special needs but I have raised children by myself. I can tell you this... where there is a will there is a way you just have to want it bad enough.

Answer 6

This is a good one..One, you need to find out what exactly he is saying about you to others..To me,,when you love someone you dont go and tell alot of lies against them..If he is being violent I will tell you,,that is not at all a good place for you or those children to be in..I lived in an abusive situation and got my son almost killed..Try calling someone professional like Legal Aid in your state and county and see if there is something they can do to help you..I am sorry you have a daughter with special needs but hun,,violence isnt exactly good for her to be around either..Sometimes legal aid can help not only the situations at home that cause such actions from him,,but can help you with your daughter and maybe they can help you with a job or training of some sort..I would at least contact them to see if there is some government agency in your area that can help..I do pray you find a solution and he gets the help he needs..God bless you and keep you all safe..

Answer 7

Someone like him don't just lie they make up events which is worse this may be the tip of the iceberg what you have just found out and thankfully your friend has come forward and told you what has been said.If you have your own home and separate you will have to put it up for sale and split everything,if you are living in council or private you can approach your council and ask to be rehoused as you have become homeless they will then find you emergency accommodation and then a house.You may have to rely on benefits for the first few months until you get on your feet,but that could be in excess of £100.00 give your local dss a ring tell them you have just become a single parent and need to know how much benefit you can claim,that will give you a guide to know that you can make it on your own.Do you know that my ex used to do strange things like that and would tell his work colleges that i was blind and had cancer and that he had to do all the chores at home,he would also cheat many times and use prostitutes and i put up with it for fear of not coping financially,and a year on here i am in dependant,living in a rented house but I'm supporting myself you just learn to and when you do you will think why the hell didn't i get out earlier.

Answer 8

My hubby was the same and I left-I also have 3 children
I went into refuge and I very luckily and gratefully got a council house
My hubby made me have sex with him 8 days after a C-Section-he was hitting my daughters [only the baby is his] thats when I left-
It was always 'f*ckoff bit*h cos I wanted to do something-ie go food shopping-he once tried to snatch my baby and stole my car keys-There are many other things that he did to me

This doesn't mean anything now cos i'm laughing at it now-
You are a Mum and it's down to you to protect and nurture your children
Its not true when you say you have no where to go,and no means of supporting yourself-I claim benefits which gives me an adequate standard of living it's not great but if I'm careful we get what we need-If you did leave then you would be classed as an emergency case and be granted a crisis loan which takes a couple of hours to sort
As for somewhere to stay contact Womens aid-you can be placed in any of their hostels in the UK-they can offer councelling and advise.
0808 2000 247

They will help you and they even collect you from the nearest station if needed-

You have to decide if you want to be free and wether you want your children to suffer mental health problems later on -Do you have sons-would they behave like him ????

You are a valid human being with just as much right to live in peace as anyone

Answer 9

The reason u know we will say "leave" is because u know it's the right answer to this problem. Compulsive lying is one thing, but violent and aggressive behaviour is not acceptable. There are so many options out there for u and your daughter, I hope u look into them and realize u can do this on your own and it may be the answer to all his problems too. If he thinks u are trapped with him because u feel u have no-where to go and can't do it on your own then his behaviour will only worsen. I hope u do what is right for u and your daughter.

Answer 10

You don't have any family that could help you out? Because if he keeps doing this to you & your daughter and you have know other means of support, that could cause you a very big problem if he was to lose this job as well. If you have family that you can turn to that will help you, then you should go to them. You should also try and see if you can get disability for your daughter, and get your GED if you don't have a high school deploma, and begin making a life for you and your daughter financally as well. You should not stay with someone who is doing more harm for you & your daughter the he is doing good.
Good Luck!

Answer 11

Talk to someone, not yahoo answers. You could start with your doctor - seriously, if he is a complusive liar it is a medical problem and one which could require psychiatric treatment.

The doctor wouldnt be able to help if you wanted to leave or even separate temporaily - but you could talk to citizens advice or womens refuge and get interim help. You would be entitled to benefits if you have to stay at home to care for your daughter, and if you are married (you say, Partner, not husband?) you can claim support for yourself as well as your child. Either way, he is legally obliged to provide for his child.

If he is violent and a complusive liar, then you need to consider leaving and starting a new life for yourself and your daughter. Depending on circumstances there may be the possibility of your keeping the family home and him having to move out, especially with your daughters special needs.

The bottom line is, DO something.