Looking for an outside opinion, marriage problem?

Question

Ok I hope I can make this fit! I was just married 4 weeks ago and im 13 wks preg. A silly argument started with an old friend and I. It became a stressful & frusturating situation. My husband continued to go to her and her husbands house even tho i wasnt welcome. I became resentful to him for not "taking my side" Last night he said if he had to choose he would not give them up. Altho I didnt make him chose. My friend and I worked out everything last night but I am still resentful towards my husband now that I know he would have chosen them over me. I see this as a sign of how the future may be. But I dont know, I know he wants to just forget about it and go on but I am not letting go of this easily. Just wanted to get some outside advice, I realize this may sound silly to you all and maybe it is, Im just looking for some outside opinions. No i am not going to base my marriage on anything anyone says on here. So please save the rude comments.

Answer 1

There are times my husband did not agree with my decisions or was on my side. He kept peace with both. I understand that though. He is the type of person to avoid conflict. I don't hold that against him.
I can understand in your situation how you feel. You feel that your other half did not stick up for you when you needed it the most. However, put yourself in his shoes. He didn't have anything to do with this argument. This was between you and your friend. If he took your side he would be against them. If I was not welcome at someones house. I wouldn't want to stop my husband from going there. He shouldn't have to be either. Now if he made the remark to me that he would have chosen them over me then Yes I would be furious. You are his wife. He made this commitment to you. He should be there for you no matter what. I would just set the hard feelings aside and move on. If you keep this resentment inside it could possible hurt you in the long run. If it happens again then I would start rethinking my decision.

Answer 2

Well....MY question is this. What was the basis of the disagreement between you and your pal?

I ask this because in light of the fact he would not take a stand with you regarding this, did he believe that when it boiled down to it you were in the wrong and perhaps your friend was correct in whatever this situation was?

I find it very rare that a husband would side with another couple over a disagreement unless he felt that you were wrong and being unreasonable. Granted there always are and will be an exception to the rule but....there are two sides to every story. Apparently this really couldn't be that big of an issue as you and your pal kissed and made up...figuratively speaking of course. However now that this seems to be settled you've decided you want to do battle with your husband?
Are you the type of person that no matter what the sitation is you just aren't happy unless you're fighting with somebody? I ask this because I have a stepdaughter like this. Never satisfied unless shes pissed off with someone, real or imagined. Your remark "I am not letting go of this easily" tells me that's the type of individual you are.

So...and I'll be blunt...grow up for Chrissakes. I'm sure he had a reason to take his stand on the issue knowing full well he may incur your wrath. That's life. He obviously thought you were in the wrong and were being unreasonable....as is quite apparent. So...keep up this type of conduct and you may very well be back here lamenting the fact he has stepped out on you for another woman or left you high and dry period.
We are allowed to disagree in our relationships. Ask my wife of 22 years. We both own armour that's battle scarred and tattered in some places. There are even times we each disagreed and for the sake of peace (and that it isn't such a big deal anyway) we let things go or each had to eat sh*t. It happens...it's marriage. If you can't make concessions or comprimises every once and awhile then your doomed to divorce. Sometimes even if your right. But....being right isn't that big an issue because the point of the argument itself is insignificant.
Oh...and pick your battles wisely. There always is a time where it's necessary to dig your heels in because your point is the correct one and makes more sense. In this case...this is chickensh*t. Clearly your husband knows it too.

Answer 3

Not honey you're not wrong at all. Let me give you the breakdown. I am 43. I was married when I was 24 when I got married the first time and had my daughter at 28. I waited a long time for the "right" man to come into my life, and now I am getting ready to get married again. What I've learned in my lifetime is that you want a partner not a passenger. Your husband should be your shield, it's his God given duty to protect and honor you. Anything less, and he's not living up to his "husbandly" responsibility. At the risk of sounding like a goodfella, you never take sides with anyone against your family. I think, that it was unfair, inconsiderate - - and what he should have told the other couple is: "I don't feel comfortable coming over knowing that my wife is not welcome. When my wife resolves whatever conflict is going on and she's welcome again, then I won't mind coming over, but not until then. " Simple as that.

Answer 4

Biblically speaking a husband should love his wife as the church. A wife should submit to her husband. I think you may be right when you said that this may be a sign of future things to come. If you do not talk with your husband about how you are feeling this will fester and make future arguments worse that what they are.
Technically your husband should of stayed out of it, it was an argument between you and your friend. He should of stayed away from your friends until the 2 of you resolved your conflict.
I urge you to talk this out with your husband. Start the conversation out by "I feel that when this occurred........It made me feel....etc" This way you are not pointing any fingers and won't put him on the defense right away. If you do not speak to him and try to resolve your feelings of resentment towards your husband, they will become worse. What good is that doing you and the blessing you are going to bring into this world?

Also for him to chose friends over you that makes a big statement. SO.... I understand your resentment! Ask him how he would of felt if you said that to him? Put the shoe on the other foot, let him know how hurt you are by that comment.

Ask him to go to counseling, if he won't go your self to talk with a neutral party just to get it off your chest and you can deal with all the emotions you are feeling. They are legitimate feelings.
Good luck to you and my prayers are with you.
Ask the good Lord for guidence....He is always with you!

Answer 5

MY OPINION BASED ON ME BEING IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION.

If your husband cannot support you & put you first then I would dump him. When you married you became a family & that means you help, love, respect & support your partner not take the side of some friends. Maybe I'm wrong but I couldn't forgive treatment like that I expect any boyfriend of mine (over 6 months long) to support me & if he chooses his friends then he's gone, I can't forgive or forget someone who says he loves me but cannot stand up for me.
Ultimately it all depends on whether you can forgive and forget this cos if you can't then the marriage will have no future but if you decide to stay in this marriage then you will to live with the fact that your husband will give these friends priority over you (and possibly your child)

Answer 6

Your husband should have chosen you. You have every right to feel hurt. When you marry you put your spouse over everyone else, including your immediate family. He should have respected your feelings and not visited them until you worked things out. If I were you, I would sit down and talk to him calmly and let him know how you feel, explain to him your fears that if this is what happened so early in the marriage, you are afraid that a repeat might happen in the future. We as humans are not to good in accepting criticism, (he might take it like that). So make sure that when you are sharing your feelings of you feel, that you also praise him and make him feel good. i.e. honey i felt very hurt when you did this, (and then praise him ) when I first met you, I knew you were the one for me, you are a wonderful man. This way he will not feel that all you are doing is criticizing him, trust me, i do this with my husband all the time and it works. Good luck.

Answer 7

Sounds like he is an immature honeymooner and may simply be trying to act in a manner which makes him the dominating partner in your relationship. You need to share with him that what happened was hurtful to you and sent mixed messages. Ask him why he did and said what he did and just talk about each of your feelings. Remember feelings arent right or wrong, and usually cant be changed. But they should be shared so they can have a positive influence on future events in your lives.

Answer 8

It sounds as though you may be the type of person who can get upset quickly, who feels strong feelings, and who doesn't let anything slide. Someone who sometimes blows small matters out of proportion. I don't think your husband was actually choosing the friends over you. Instead, I think that he was making a statement to you: I'm not going to buy into your drama. I think what he's telling you is that he's not going to support the kind of behavior where, for example, you exaggerate a "silly argument" into a major situation.

Answer 9

This absolutely does not sound silly. This is the way I perceive this situation. He violated a trust issue with you, and you are hurt and angry deeply, and I don't blame you as what he said is like a slap in the face. I would think if he would choose them over me, then what am I to him? I wouldn't feel like #1 in his life. Your marriage vows say "forsaking all others." I just don't see him being a team player with you. No, I wouldn't let it go, as I would wonder if he would be there in sickness, loss of job, etc. all the things of life that may hit us and we need our spouses as a soft place to fall. (Not someone who would abandon us when we needed them most.) He is being very, very insensitive. I'd have to check out if he really meant what he said,when he made that statement about choosing them over you.

Answer 10

if someone was chosen over me and i was not a priority in my husbands life, than i would get outa town, cause what do you have with a man who has not picked you first,of course your going to be hurt and resentful, but this is who he is, this is his character,you have no control over other's only yourself. i would not stick around if my husband thought so little of me, because i would really feel that i did not have too much of a future with this man. a good marriage is when a man puts your needs first, if someone doesn't like you than he shouldn't be hanging out with them either and taking their side. so sorry for your problems.