I’ve known her for 19 years and she has hardly ever said a word. She comes to see me with her mum and her mum speaks for her. When she does speak, she can be quite nasty. Her whole life is spent reading books, and she works part-time. She has no manners. When I speak to her on the phone, she gives minimal information of herself, but asks me all questions and I reply thoroughly. I know she is ‘all there’ in the mind, but for some reason she is a walking corpse! I just don’t know what to do about her anymore. I'd love to get inside her mind and work out why she's the way she is. I wonder if she's rebellious or something? Or does she feel 'powerful' by not giving anything away of herself?
2006-10-18 21:25:25 · 20 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Not giving away much about oneself does let a person feel powerful, but I wonder if she may have some condition like Asperger's Syndrome or some other mental or emotional condition.
2006-10-18 21:39:10 · answer #1 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This girl may lack self confidence, self worth, self esteem if her mom has to talk for her I would imagine that it has a lot to do with it. She may have a homelife that is very restricted and so therefore lacks social skills on how to actually talk to people and how to act. Her nasty approach is not anything to do with you personal it is her own reaction as she does not know how to react or she could be enviouse of your confindence and freedom to be who and what you are.
She may have learning difficulties and that is why she is so sheltered with mom if she cant see you on your own and mom comes to there must be a reason for it.
Hate to say this she may be being abused.
It could just be her personality type and she enjoys the eliment of not giving much away a form of control that is something she may only just have because everything else is controlled by mom for her.
You must be a very good friend to put up with this for 19 years and she is lucky you are still around and from the sounds may be the only one around for her.
You cant be let into her mind unless she wants you to and it is going to be very hard for you to get this close in 19 years you have not.
Try when she asks you a question reply but follow it with "And what about you" what ever the subject was. Also ask her "How do you feel today?" very often when people say are you ok you will always get a one word reply yes or no as the question is an empty one however how do you feel has to be answered with more than one word and may open her up as you are asking an emotional personal question to her.
Try it with everything when you talk to her try and think of something to ask that does not give her the chance just to say yes or no as this will end conversation abrupts and you trying to scratch around for another question that may be what is happening.
Good luck with your friend and hope that as helped in some way.
2006-10-19 07:53:51 · answer #2 · answered by momof3 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some of the other answers are right...she may have repressed memories or a disorder that you do not know about..
I think that you should know more about your "friend" of 19 years..have you ever had time alone with her where you both have an intimate talk..sometimes the setting affects if a person opens up or not...
You say that she is always with her mum maybe this is the problem - have you spoken to her mum about your concerns maybe there is something she knows that you dont..or maybe she is the cause of your friends silence..if she is always speaking for her maybe she is very controlling and your friend feels trapped and unimportant
If you really want to help her then try in a sensitive way to get a bit closer to her she may be crying out for help silently and you could be the one to save her
2006-10-19 05:48:46 · answer #3 · answered by Brown_Sugar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you are using the term "friend" but the way you describe her, she really doesn't sound it. You have known her for 19 years and you know next to nothing about her, granted this is much due to the distance she puts between you. She does sound as if she has some kind of learning disability and needs extra support from her mum. Sometimes some people just do not have social skills due to this or aren't given the opportunity to develop them. She sounds as if as if she comes into the latter. Is there a way for you to confront how you feel about this with either your friend directly or with her mum? You sound as if you are genuinely interested in pursuing a closer friendship with her. You may find the reason she is nasty is because she is overly protected by her mum and its feelings of frustration. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know how you feel. You can take it from there once you find out whats really going on. I would approach it softly with her and not respond if she becomes challenging. 19 years is a long time to know someone and know so very little about them, she will be aware of that herself. Hope it works out for you.
2006-10-19 05:28:11 · answer #4 · answered by rondavous 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think maybe for some reason she has become untrusting of people and is rather sceptical of them, my sister was bullied throughout her childhood and so although she gets on well with her close friends and family, she dosn't get on well with other people, because she had such a bad time of it when she was at school she has no time for people she has a partner etc but I can still see that she dosn't like being around others, say when we are shopping in the high street, prehaps she dosn't like opening up because she believes people will be critical of her, prehaps she has gained a depth of paranoia as well, she may not even realise how she comes across to you so its worth having a chat about it with her, after all if you have known her for all these years isn't it worth trying to save your friendship, many people don't have such long lasting friendships, though I understand why you are annoyed, I would be, lay it on the line to her and tell her how you feel, you don't have anything to lose really at this point. Did she have many other good friends when she was younger, was she bullied at all? Prehaps she had an experience when she was very young (could be at home or school etc) which has affected the way she behaves around people, I'm very quiet myself but detest it when people say i'm shy, yes I do have moments of shyness, say when I have a presentation to do in front of other people but this is the case for many people including usually loud individuals, she can't be faulted for being quiet but the rudeness has to stop. Maybe people have spoken to her in such a harsh way and thats why she speaks nasty, unless you tell her she isn't going to know any differently, if you already have and she isn't interested then i'm afraid that it would probably be for the best if you just parted ways, good luck!
2006-10-19 04:52:04 · answer #5 · answered by Rainbowz 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
How can you call this person a friend? A friend is someone you share secrets and gossip with, whos there to pick you up when your down and help you celebrate the good times. This person sounds like a waste of your time, I can't believe you have wasted 19 yrs on her. I think you need to get out and make some new friends, never mind whats going on in her head I'm worried about whats going on in your head to have put up with this so long!
2006-10-19 06:50:25 · answer #6 · answered by kitten 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people who have a very dominant parent can feel unable to talk for themselves simply because they do not have confidence. If her Mum has always talked for her, then perhaps she does not have the skills to do it for herself? You don't say how old she is, but if she works part time, and reads a lot it suggests that she is not out having a great time. Perhaps, you could encourage her to talk to you about the things that interest her? Perhaps you might have to accept that she just doesn't want to talk to you?
2006-10-19 05:57:24 · answer #7 · answered by deee999 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are many reasons as to why she is the way she is, she may have been abused and told not to talk and that being nasty when talking to people is all she knows. I know it is hard but we will never know what other people are truly thinking and what their life has been like even if you are very close and have known her for years people are very good at hiding things.
Just be her friend and hope that one day she might have the confidence to tell you one day as to why she is like she is.
2006-10-19 04:31:19 · answer #8 · answered by Peachy Girl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe just accept her the way she is, but point out to her about your concern. Write her a long letter saying how you really feel about your friendship and if she replies, then that will be the time when she can open up to you.
If you feel that you are getting nowhere with her, then be honest and tell her.
2006-10-19 07:45:29 · answer #9 · answered by Presea 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Scary person !Are you sure she is your "friend" or just an acquaintance. And what kind of friend visits you with her mum?
It is people that human children do not get as socialized as other children, it depends on what social skiils she developed as a child.
Observe how she acts towards you and do the same thing to her.
If you are curious, invite her to meet your other friends so you can see for yourself how she acts with strangers.
2006-10-19 04:31:53 · answer #10 · answered by QuiteNewHere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋