Very close friend is married for 3 years. When she married him she was going thru a very tough time and we all told her to wait. It was a very unstable courtship - they guy was always hot and cold on his feelings for her. Well, finally after they were engaged - he went cold again and then he came back and asked her to elope with him. She did it! She's been pretty unhappy for the 3 years with some good times here and there. Now she's telling me that he told her that he loves her, but that it's very difficult for him. He says he only feels love and connection with her about 50% of the time and he doesn't really desire to have sex (make love) to her that often. (She suspects it is because of emotional issues in his past). She is really sad, hurt and comtemplating whether to just call it quits. I hesitate to be sympathetic with her because we all told her not to do it - but now she is realizing that maybe she made a mistake. What do I tell her? He wants to make it work and keep trying.
2006-10-18 15:14:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Be there for your friend. She may have made a poor choice, but divorce is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is a difficult thing. I would suggest counseling, especially if he has past issues. If he wants to make it work, that is a good sign, and maybe they could work it out with a counselor's help.
Besides, romantic love comes and goes in a marriage. The kind of love that is there the majority of the time (if you have a good relationship) is the kind of love you feel toward your best friend, plus commitment! That is what makes a marriage last, so it is possible that they can get through it. AT least if they go through counseling they will know they have tried everything they could.
2006-10-18 15:20:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need love and chemistry to start with, but after that, it's all perseverance and work. If they started out thinking, well, I don't know if this is gonna work out, then it won't. You have to say beforehand, I'm gonna make it work. It's so easy when you're in the middle of a tough time to bring up the D-word, but getting through those times and avoiding blaming the other person leads to a more fulfilled relationship. Yeah, you can always go to the next guy, but you'll be facing crap all over again before too long. My cred? 7 yrs and alotta fights, but I love my husband more than ever!
2006-10-18 22:27:27 · answer #2 · answered by trixiekiddo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A good relationship works because each person is in love and are willing to keep trying. Even through the bad parts. I know I personally go hot and cold, and sometimes angry.. and my fiance and I just keep working through each of the problems as they come. It's each individual. As long as he keeps trying, and I mean REALLY trying, and she's willing to accept that he is trying.. it should work out.
Perhaps they just need councilling. Him on his own, so that he can figure out why he has the problems, and them both to learn how to cope. However, if he refuses to try to see anyone for the problems, and only makes half-hearted attempts to resolve the issues, maybe it is time to stop kicking the horse. It's dead.
2006-10-18 22:21:53 · answer #3 · answered by firewater_tears 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love alone will not make any relationship work. That is a romantic and false idea. Work alone can make a relationship work though not joyfully. Work and love together can make a relationship work joyfully. If he will work at the relationship and she too is willing to work, then they should seek counseling. They should carefully seek a counselor. My wife and I have seen two counselors. The first suggested, in spite of our verbalized intentions to remain married, that we divorce. We went "shopping" for another counselor. This counselor is working with us to make things work. Things are getting better with work and education regarding our relationship...and more work. We never stopped loving each other. The following book also helped: "Love life for every married couple" by Ed Wheat, M.D. & Gloria Okes Perkins
2006-10-18 22:40:53 · answer #4 · answered by Jack 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
they have to sit down and lay their cards no ego or pride in between. love conquer all .their been marriage for three years only.they are still in a so called adjustment period.if she really love the guy and want to work on their marriage she has to talk to the guy and compromise.i been married for 28 years now and the first five years of my married life is not that good but if they love each other then there is no problem that they can not solve.
2006-10-18 22:27:36 · answer #5 · answered by jocelyn o 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a mess and love cant be measured. She needs to follow her heart and do what is right for her. it kinda sounds like this marriage is about half over anyway. not that i encourage divorce, but it doesnt really sound like the marital union was made for the right reasons to begin with, so what makes anybody think that the right reasons will ever be there? If i were her, I'd part ways sooner than later. He only loves her 50% of the time and shes unhappy. WTF! Let bygones be bygones and move on.
2006-10-18 22:20:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you have wrote I would suggest he seek counseling for depression and possibly bi-polar disorder. If he is willing to work it out and so is she then as her friend you would do best to support her through this.
With him running hot and cold it is possible he may have bi-polar disorder. At any rate you mentioned emotional issues in his past. These issues may be affecting him deeper than he is aware. I would suggest they both enter into counceling before they call it quits. It may be the best thing that ever happened for both of them.
2006-10-18 22:40:13 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why be in a relationship if your miserable? Tell your friends she needs to be happy and there has to be an equal amount of love between the two of them. From what it sounds like, he is too unstable for her to be with him. He needs time to think about what he wants. Everybody deserves to be happy in life with a fantastic partner who keeps them sane! If he cant even make love to her and act so hot/cold she should have left him ages ago.
Tell her its about time she thinks about herself and her future, she could be heading down the wrong path with him.
2006-10-18 22:42:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this guy is either immature or has a characterological disorder. He will probably not get any better but perhaps should go to psychotherapy. He has serious relational problems and needs help. Your friend needs to try to help him get help or, if he refuses (which is quite likely because people with these kinds of problems tend to blame others), should consider leaving him.
2006-10-18 22:32:17 · answer #9 · answered by heyrobo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go to www.menexchange.com
Read the article on 10 mistakes people make. Great article for people thinking of getting married.
2006-10-18 22:29:46 · answer #10 · answered by TIRED 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋