What do I do to help me get over the fact that my husband had an affair? I just need help?

Question

We are still together, and making things work, I just need help to forget, and forgive, and stop holding it in my heart. It hurts so much. I want to get rid of it.
I just dont know how.

Answer 1

I went through the same thing and I was lucky enough to catch an episode of Dr. Phil that discussed infidelity. Dr. Phil has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance. Sit down when you get some alone time and read the questions and write down the answers, then assess what you've written.

1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?
2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
3. Does he have insight into how he's hurt you or is he oblivious?
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene?
7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?

The previous seven questions you asked of your partner. One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.

Answer 2

Yeah this kind of pain will always remain. It will lessen over time. You can forgive all you want but you will never forget what happened. Do you trust him? I just know that no matter what if my husband has an affair I dont care how much I love him I will leave him. It hurts but not as much as him making you look like a fool while he f***ed around. This is cynical but if you accept this there will be other girls and situations you will worry about in the future. Be strong. Dont let this situation make you feel weak. He is lucky you stayed with him, so show him how lucky, in your own way. Talk to him. Tell him exactly why it still hurts. If he wont listen chuck him to the side and get yourself ready for the next great guy.

Answer 3

I'm going through the same thing right now. It is very hard to forgive...I will never forget. We stayed together for 6 months after I found out and the affair ended (we've been married 20 years). I finally asked him to leave because I was too overwhelmed by the anger and hurt to be in the same house with him. Now, we spend time together and are in counseling, but I just find it very difficult to have much trust in him. Will we work it out? I don't know. Right now, I am very happy and peaceful with him gone. I'm not even sure I love him after being betrayed. It is very hard to make this kind of hurt go away. I also hold it in my heart. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. Neither of us is ready to say the D word. 20 years is a lot of time to throw away. We just take it one day at a time and see what happens. Sorry I can't help. I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one.

Answer 4

Honey, first off before you and your husband decided to work things out you needed to first get over what happened, next you then ask yourself can you forgive him and then can you continue to trust him.

If you can get over it, forgive him and trust him then you two will get over this hurdle. However I personally don't see how you can trust someone you already put your trust in not to do it again. Nothing should of made him cross that line no matter what the situation is.

Men are good for that they cheat and as women we forgive and forget, but let it be the other way around a man can't bear the fact that some other man had the wife/girlfriend and will not try to work it out.

I am sorry sweetie I feel you will never get back to that point.

Answer 5

I have been there and done that as a husband.
I am glad that you two are trying to work things out, and I wish you the best in that part.
Forget, I do not think a husband or wife forgets, but I think a person can forgive. I have before.
I guess the only way that you will stop holding it in your heart is for both of you to get professional counseling.
I hope that he really wants you and him to work things out as well. It takes two people to work it out, and it is not an easy or overnight tasking, but it can be done.
I am not a saint nor is my wife, but her and I are opposite from each other.
My recommendation for the person that cheats if they really want to stop and work it out, then both partners need to stick together closer and work closer on the issues.
Do not keep bringing the subject up every time something goes wrong, because it will push a person farther apart. That is my recommendation.
Good Luck to both of you.

Answer 6

try couples counseling or reading a book together. It happened to me and we read a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It was extremely helpful. You cannot guarantee that any relationship will be a faithful relationship. If you leave him and eventually start a new relationship whose to say they won't cheat too. I know it hearts something terrible, but you have to allow yourself to hurt and you have the right to know all the details of how it happened and where it happened (as much as you need to hear) from there you move forward. Forgiveness, in the end, is a decision.

Answer 7

I wouldn't know how either, sweetie. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. Marriage is admiration, respect, passion and trust. When the trust disappears, the rest of it is down the drain, usually within two years. Since I knew that, when I found my marriage crowded, the love I had left, was gone in a flash. The next instant I asked for a divorce. When we got back to the states, we sold the house, I left, never to return. Never looked back. Two years was toooooo long to try to heal up the hurt. It was just easier to end 18 years of marriage and get on with my life. And I did so. Found a loving man -- the kind of a relationship my marriage never had.

I wish you well -- you have a heavy load to sort out.

Answer 8

That is such a difficult thing to go through, my heart goes out to you but if you decided to stay with him you have to find a way to "sincerely" forgive him and go on to making your lives "normal" again. While Im sure that seems impossible now I would probably consider going to couples or marriage counseling for help. I wouldnt just do nothing in hopes that things will get better on their own though because later everytime you fight, youll want to throw this in his face and since you took him back you must try to do something that will keep that from being an impulse. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

I don't see how you can ever forget and personally it would take me a longggggg time to forgive. They(husbands) are YOUR heart so it would really hurt and I can't see that being an easy thing to get over. If you want to make it work and you trust him then I say , He has to suck it up and be patient with you. He is the reason things are all screwed up so he will have to work double time to fix them. Good Luck....

Answer 10

Sweetie,because you sound as though you love him, I am not going to make you sad by saying he won't change. That is far from the truth. I know people who have been through this including my parents and they are fine. It sounds like this may have just happened so give it time. He can change if he wants to and the more he reassures you, and spend time with you, the more you will learn to trust. Now, you don't ever want to forget what happened to make you hurt because it makes you strong and you will be aware of the signs if he does not stay faithful. He can change and you will get through this. As long as he is willing to change his habits you should be fine. Good luck