My husband is still friends with his ex?

Question

My husband is still friends with his ex. He talks to her more than once a week, and it bothers me. He still has pictures of her and her kids (not his), and even though they are in a box in a closet, it still hurts. He says that he wants to have them so that when he is eighty, he can look back on his life. I say, why not look back on OUR life together? She is married now with a baby with her husband, but I still can't help but feel jealous that he is so attached to her. We have been to their house, and they have come to our house, and when she and my husband are together, he acts all buddy buddy with her with inside jokes, and he almost never acts like that with me. When he talks to her on the phone, he doesn't tell me most of the time, and when I ask, he says they were just catching up. There have been other times that he has been in contact with her or met up with her without telling me until after, but he always has an innocent excuse. What should I do?

In response to the answer from Rae, no, he doesn't always tell me when he talks to her. That is one of the problems. I look at his phone and then ask him about it, and that's when he mentions it.

Sorry to keep adding stuff, but your responses bring up more info. They broke up five years ago, so it's not like it's not been long enough to get over her. She got married about four years ago to her husband, and they seem to be happy, too.

Other than this, we have a good relationship. We do have a baby, and he loves my daughter from a prev relationship like she was his own. That's why I don't want to end our marriage over this, but I want to know how to reach a common ground without him resenting me/me resenting him forever.

And they were never married, just engaged and living together.

Answer 1

Interesting.

I too talk to an ex girlfriend (from WAY back in the day)...but I don't take this to the extreme. My wife is cool about it...she knows I won't cheat on her (and I won't--I love my wife, she means the world to me)..besides..it's been nearly 13 years since I have seen her...and honestly, I don't have any feelings for her whatsover.

Anyway, I tell my wife everything about what my ex and I talk about. It's friendly chatter between her and I...so I continue to keep it that way (much like talking to a long time buddy of mine..of which I have known him for 18 years). Doing so separates whatever anxiety and ackwardness that may exist between my ex and I... But this is me....

Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with keeping pictures..or for that fact, being friends with an ex...they both are links to memories--to a past life. But it seems to me he might be going overboard with his relationship with his ex. Perhaps deep down inside of him he feels some level of closeness with her. Talk to him about it...tell him how you feel about the situation. My wife and I talk about everything...you should do the same with him. Have him explain his feelings to you about the friendship between he and his ex (assuming it's an ex spouse of his?). Remember to tell him there is nothing wrong with being friends with her...but YOU need to come first...just gently remind him of that. (If you try to limit his friendship with her, he may resent you for it...and you don't want that albatross hanging over your head).

There could be some emotional issues he may have to sort through...but I wouldn't necessarily worry about it...I think, given what you wrote, he is still faithful to you. Don't be jealous...since envy will lead into other..more destructive .... behaviorial and personal issues that could separate you two.

I hope this helps...good luck to you.

Answer 2

I'd tell him that your upset and that this is bothering you. As why should he have pics of her kids when he dated her in his past what do having there pics do with him looking back on his life when he should be looking back on your life together and so thinking of you and his children. Would he like it if you were still close friends with an ex and do all the things he does now,i don't think so. Sit down and talk to him and get this resolved or it will turn bitter and end a happy marriage for no reason other then you couldn't get this sorted. plus with her being a female friend you feel even more uncomfortable but to be an ex is worse and he has to understand this and understand how you feel as i bet her husband isn't a 100% comfortable with it either. And realise he's a married man with a wife who needs to feel secure in there marriage and not undermined with an ex on the scene who he's keeping in regular contact with and without you. As i can tell for a fact he wouldn't like it if you did this with an ex.

Answer 3

15 years is a long time ago but I wouldn't like that type of message being sent to my husband. I do think that it is inappropriate. I wouldn't confront the husband about it, I would have a casual talk about it and see what he has to say. There are ways to communicate without causing a fuss. Try that. As for her, you said that you exchange emails once and a while. Why not email her and casually mention that you saw the text and say something like 'I hope you were just being friendly, because it seemed a little inappropriate to send someone's husband a message like that' Nothing wrong with letting her know that you know. Red

Answer 4

Your feelings are valid but u are taking this a little bit too far. It could be that they are just very good friends although if this bothers u, u need to be firm with your husband and tell him so. For starters, he should at the very least, tell u that he spoke to his ex and not hide the fact, though maybe he's keeping it from u because he knows u will get angry when u find out.

Your husband should consider your feelings because although it may be all innocent for him, for u it's a big deal.

Answer 5

well...I'm friends with my ex. My husband knows and my ex's wife knows-we were working together again (after being apart for 6 years). We email, talk etc...many times I don't "report" to my husband and I know the ex does not tell his wife everytime we talk. We are just friends (and keep the conversation AS FRIENDS) but maybe you should just tell him how you feel and that you do not approve. If he was talking to her since you first got together, chances are you will just have to accept it...you did then. At least he has her over when you are there, he's being open about their relationship. If you get demanding all of the sudden, he may just keep the relationship hidden from you. Better you know..."keep you enemies CLOSE!!"

Answer 6

First of all if it bothered you so much why did you marry him? Also if he feels that going behind your back and meeting her is ok it is not. Your marriage has nothing without trust. I would tell him, this bothers me, I want you to stop seeing her and get rid of the old memories and start living your life as my husband and our children's father. If he can't move on! Innocent excuse or not when a married man is seeing another woman and not telling his wife THIS MEANS TROUBLE!!!!

Answer 7

Well, you should trust your husband and until you have 100% red handed proof you shouldnt accuse him of anything he hasnt done. I think its cool when ex's are still friends. I think you should get over your insecurity. He is with YOU now, not her right? He is sneaking because he knows you would be upset and maybe he doesnt want to have to deal with you nagging him. But he always tells you doesnt he? Im sorry you dont have the kind of relationship with him that she did but that might just be you. While in most cases I would side with the woman on this I think you are the one that is wrong here.

Answer 8

My ex and I divorced because we were more friends than lovers. We continue to talk atleast once a week even though we are both in serious relationships. I find that he knows me better than anyone else and he gives me the best advice ( on many topics) based on that. If it didn't work out with them and she has moved on I wouldn't worry too much. Clearly he has chosen you and they weren't meant to be. Good luck!
PS- since our break up we have been completely platonic. There is no going back.

Answer 9

I get the feeling that you should work on your jealousy with a therapist. Every situation is different, but for some reason, this one I just feel is more of a jealousy issue for you.

The fact that he in no way hides his relationship with her indicates he doesn't feel guilty about anything.

Excessive talking and hanging out can be a bit much... once a week does seem like a lot.

The thing I would be concerned with is if they were more intimate emotionally, then you have a problem... if they are just buddies and their personalities and connection is more like that, then I wouldn't worry.

Answer 10

Hi there

It sounds to me that even though they had a divorce, they remain good friends which in most cases it's good for the kids.
One thing though you seems to me that you are very jalous and to be honest with you you need to stop that cause if he really wanted to be with her they would have been back together by now and also you need to start to trust him no matter what. If there is no trust your relationship can be in danger. Back off and trust him.Say to yourself that he is yours without making any scene. He must love you in order to be with you and not her.