I am divorced with two children. He only sees them once a month and even then he comes up with excuses as to why he can't come see them. He tells me he wants to be friends and I just find it very hard to do. He is hurting my kids and it is hard to see him as a friend. If he really wanted to be my friend, wouldn't he put more of an effort out to see the kids? I don't know what to do. It makes no sense to me. Because in my eyes a friend wouldn't hurt my kids or I should say "our" kids.
2006-10-18 09:03:48 · 16 answers · asked by cowchic9 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hi Cowchic!
YES, it IS possible to become Friends! ALso, it IS advisable for the kid's sake, as well as your own. What good does it to be bitter in front of your children, anyway? This would upset them!
Yeh, I've heard the "excuse-thing" as well, BUT, to me, I think it is hard for the Ex to adjust to walking up to your door to take the kids out for the visitation, if that's what is set up, because many old feelings are going to creep up on him, such as, that awkward feeling of walking up to.....what was once his residence, etc.
With me so far????????
I, also went through this before and saw my ex's reactions too.
Now, he said he wants to be friends....... well you have something to work with, but it is going to take time for it because you are seeing each other under different circumstances........like the emotions he is dealing with. See that?
I believe once the both of you getting used to the changes of your Ex coming over to see the children, under the order, you know, then he will start being consistent!
In the meantime set your kids down and reassure them that Dad has some hurts right now, although it doesn't involve these kids, so they don't blame themselves, ok? Maybe you could also work it out with your Ex that he regularly talks to your kids over the phone, I know this will help ease them. And, ask the man to make plans of places he can take the kids, and discuss it with them so they can look forward to the next visitation.
I'd say, now as far as being your "friend" and your Ex making an effort to see the kids, these are 2 separate issues, entirely!
The thing is, he is hurting first, so let him get over that.
The "after-effects" of a Divorce are felt just like in the beginning of the WHOLE thing, and it's gonna take time-----everything will fall into place, YOU WILL SEE!
In order for you and your Ex to be Friends to start with, have some good talks then the rest will follow!
Stay positive and strong!
2006-10-18 09:30:06 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes after a divorce, both parties have a very low self-esteem.. Lets face it, divorce is traumatic. Men tend to run from difficult situations.(he probably really wants to see the children) From experience; my mother and father had a great relationship after divorce. I was glad, but it always made me think they could possibly get back together. They never did, but the friendship lasted till my father died. My mother even gave his wife room to stay with her during the funeral.(they lived out of town, but he was buried here.) She and my mother got along well too. The secret was "time". One year after the divorce they started to be friends. As time went on they all were able to get along great. Please just give it time. Enjoy making your new life and new relationships. He will come around.
2006-10-18 09:12:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is possible to be friends, but until he starts behaving like a good father that won't be possible as you'll be angry and upset with him. Tell him that if he wants to stay on good terms (which is best for all of you) he needs to start being more reliable and keeping arrangements. If he won't do this then tlel him you will have to legalise arrangments with a solicitor, but make it clear you'd prefer not to do that.
To answer your question generally, me and my ex are on friendly terms because we have realised we get on better as friends. He tells me about his day and asks me about mine, and asks how I am. There are no strings attached and no chance of getting back together. It took several difficult months to reach this but we got there in the end. He collects out son every fortnight and we chat to eachother and make it clear to our son that mummy and daddy get on. Obivously this isn't always possible if theres a lot of bitterness involved but it can work. It is very good for the kids if you can be friends, but obviously it takes mutual respect too.
2006-10-18 09:12:55 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me, like he is having issues with just being a father to those kids.
If you two can have a CIVIL relationship and WORK TOGETHER being parents in your kids lives, then YES, you can be friends.
BUT, when their is fighting, lies, no-shows, negative things said about the other parent...the kids SEE all of this. And I agree with you that I would not be able to be friends with a person like that.....
BUT this isn't about you...It is about your kids!
Good Luck, surround those kids in love and talk to him....maybe he will see the effects he is having on his kids!
Be the better person and just agree to the friendship....then maybe he can be a dad....
2006-10-18 09:10:21 · answer #4 · answered by WhatNext 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think you could be friends with an ex husband but the ex husband has to want to be friends as well!! You are right i would not have "friends" around that would hurt my children!!!
2006-10-18 09:07:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's an ex for a reason - since he doesn't want to see the kids, move on and end all contact. He's not worth it.
2006-10-18 09:07:22 · answer #6 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't waste my time and if the kids are his also then you need to make sure they don't get hurt in the situation
2006-10-18 09:06:15 · answer #7 · answered by Cutie Pie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why wouldn't it be possible to be or become friends with an ex (husband, boyfriend, etc)? I know plenty of people who have good relationships with their exs...
...it's up to you two.
2006-10-18 09:06:07 · answer #8 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is possible and happens all the time I'm friends with my ex-wife .
Just be kind and don't bring up the past
2006-10-18 09:06:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would quit worrying about him being your FRIEND and work on him being a FATHER ... it makes NO difference if you are friends or not ... his first and foremost concern should be his children ... period! AND, he's not hurting you when he treats your children like this .. he's hurting his children, himself and his relationship with his children.
2006-10-18 09:06:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋