Is it okay for my boyfriend to go out with his female friends from college?

Question

I am soooo pissed right now that I'd effin curse in front of you all if this stupid thing didn't censor it. I promised him I'd work on being more understanding, and I try to understand that most of his friends are female, but I don't effin like it! I HATE IT!!! This feels very uncomfortable. I wonder if I am being unreasonable and if this is something I have to work on, or if someone, somewhere, of the opposite sex feels the same way I do and it's just a matter of finding the right person. I love him and I want to accept it, but it's so hard!!!! WIll I ever accept this? Should he change? Or should neither of us have to change and as much as we love each other, we should just break up? ARRRGH! Or should I just wait to see if I change the way I feel about this?

Answer 1

Tell him that you're fine with it as long as you can join them, and see what he says. If they are "just friends" he shouldn't mind you tagging along.

Answer 2

Oooh Baby calm down! Have you ever heard of killing more flies with honey. What you should do is apologize for getting jealous of him having female friends. This is how you test him. Have you ever met these friends? Has he ever invited you along for the fun? If you haven't then tell him that you are so glad that you keep in touch with your friends from college invite them over to have drinks. Tell him since you are in his life right now that you feel that you should be apart of his friendship circle. You see when you meet his friends you know their faces. You find out personal information like work, residence, etc. Then when you are alone with him you tell him that you feel better about meeting his friends. Now that you have met them you know where to find them if he does something he is not supposed to do. Say this in a calm voice in the kitchen by the knives, or by the gun. lol NO! Seriously Just tell him what you do in the dark always calms to light. Anyway he may have been that guy in college that the females always called there friend but never dated because he was to nice or geeky.

Answer 3

Warning: Defensive people are usually up to something. That's on red flag for you. But this is the thing, whether you trust him or not, if a certain situation makes you uncomfortable, speak up! He should respect that, since no friend (especially a new one) should have more importance than the person he chooses to be with. If he has a problem with that, then you should be very suspicious.

Answer 4

I think its ok under certain circumstances: If he goes out with them in a group. or if it may be the occasional Christmas get-together of the old pals, etc. At the same time, unless you live a thousand miles away, I think he should invite you and include you in this group of friends he has. If you live far away, and a friend from college shows up in his hometown area over break, I don't necessarily think if he goes for coffee with her it means anything bad. He does have a right to his friends.

At the same time, human nature is what it is. It isn't necessarily a healthy thing for, say, a guy to want to keep up old relationships to the level they were during college; if he's in a relationship now. I'm not saying he should dump all his friends just because they're young women, but the nature of his involvement with them is something he maybe shouldn't expect not to change. If he's now got a girlfriend and is an a relationship there's a point where it isn't healthy for a relationship for someone to want to hang on too much to how things were when he wasn't in one.

I guess I don't think it would be a problem if he talks to old friends online or on the phone. My problem would be if he spends too much time out with one or two of them by himself. You shouldn't want him to give up all his good friends (and it is possible for girls and guys to just be friends), but at the same time he shouldn't expect you to just be understanding if what he's trying to do is bring his pre-relationship lifestyle along into the relationship.

There's also a difference in how often he hangs out with these young women and how long that time together is. If he meets Jennifer for lunch once in a while that's one thing. If, on the other hand, Jennefer and Megan and Mellisa are calling a few times a week, and he's always going out with one of then - that's different.

I think he and you need to consider:

1. How often is it in person
2. How many people are present
3. How often are you included
4. How much time is involved with their spending time together
5. How personal is the conversation between them (because if he does nothing but chat about the weather and work with this person it shouldn't be difficult for him to reduce his time out doing this type of thing with female friends, but if he gets into big, serious, discussions with these people then there is potential damage to your relationship that could occur).

Men and women can be friends, but even if there is no element of an potential "thing" going on between them (ever) there are certain behaviors and manners and etiquettes that need to be dealt with when someone is in a relationship but has opposite-gender friends.

I don't think you're unreasonable to have concerns if he has big, deep, conversations with these friends and doesn't want to stop hanging out with them or cut back on time spent with them. Intimacy isn't always about the physical stuff. I can't help but wonder if he has some emotional reason (like wanting to keep his pre-relationship life, which can be reasonable at times, and not wanting to change his behavior in a way that would involved HIS making some adjustments).

I can understand his side of it in certain circumstances, and I can certainly understand not wanting to give up friends just because one has a relationship. Having a relationship, though, does change how a person does things; so I think there should be some compromise between the two of you.

Don't break up with him because he has friends. That's a little extreme. Just try to really sort out his and your feelings about the matter between you and maybe reach some compromise. If he entirely disregards reasonable concerns you have then that's probaby more of a problem than his having female friends is. You shouldn't be expected to just shut up and sit down. He shouldn't be expected to give up all his friends because of a relationship. There has to be some middle-ground that the two of you can work out nicely if you calmly talk about the things that make up a good relationship and the importance of having a life as well as a relationship and the realilties of people placing too much importance on relationships outside "The" relationship.

Answer 5

No way girl, I would like my boydriend doing that. To me that is for a non-mature/foolish relationship, not a serious one. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with your partner, then you wouldn't be interested in other people or hanging out with the opposite sex, unless it was a group thing with both of ya'll together.

I seriously don't think he is taking you serious, he should respect you. He wouldn't like you to go out with all male friends, and if he doesn't have a problem with you doing that, then that means that he doesn't really care about you. Sorry and good-luck, do what your heart tells you.....

Answer 6

I think that wheter or not you are being unreasonable is not an issue. The fact is that what he is doing hurts you and if he loves you he should stop. To have a successfull relationship you both have to be willing to give. Btw i dont think you are being unresonable. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Your dating!!!
Boyfriend/Girlfriend its just a test drive to marriage.
If you like him the way he is keep him.
If not toss him back. Your dating.
People improve themselves NOT others.

If you accept the idea of changing your boyfriend to what YOU want, then you have to accept the idea of your boyfriend changing you to what HE wants. Ever think that you might not want to become the person he wants? OR That he doesn't want to be the person you want him to be.

Accept or move on YOUR ONLY DATING
Wait until marriage that's when the fun starts.

Answer 8

I feel you. My boyfriend told me I can't go to the movies with my guy friend (he was IN the damn movie, and our families have been friends forever). I'm sure he told you what I told my guy- there's nothing to worry about, I love you, not him, we've been friends forever, that's wrong to demand that of me- you have either got to trust him or let him go. He won't change. Maybe you all could compromise- only go to public places, let you & their boyfriends tag along, keepit to a minimun, you know? Good luck. Remember, love/relationships can't exist with no trust!

Answer 9

If he has no intention of getting rid of all of his friends that happened to be girls and you are uncomfortable now. You feels of anger will only get worse and you will resent him and any "girlfriend" he has.

Next time he wants to go out with these friends ask if you can come along. If they are just friends he shouldn't have a problem with it. Try to have fun and relax. See how he interacts with these friends. If it is just friends then great. But if there is huge flirting then get out now.

Answer 10

Don't wait that will make you even more angry tell him that you want to be understanding but you really aren't comturble with it yet. Ask if it's okay if you tag along when he goes out with them meet them talk to them make them your friends. Keep the communication open with him and them it will make you feel better when you know exactly what's going on.

Answer 11

You should not accept it, if you do, I think you are being foolish. If you have or want a committed relationship then it should be exclusive.

My suggestion is let him know if its okay for him to go out with females from college, then its ok for you to go out with males from high school or junior college.