Will our relationship ever change?

Question

Our relationship was great in the beginning. We had two kids right after meeting who are now 4 and 5. We have struggled, seperated emotionally, and don't have a bond. We don't sleep in the same room anymore. It's like were roomates that love eachother, but just raising our kids. We've said hurtful things to eachother also. So feelings, and life has changed our outlook on eachother. We've been together almost 6 years. We love eachother. We are comfortable with eachother, and we want the best for our kids.
Also it's hard because he is 4 years younger than me. I feel like I am his mother sometimes. He works, and I take care of the home, and bills, and worries, and stresses.
Has this happened to anyone? Does it get better? Do relationships get better in time after kids get older. Or are we always going to be roomates that have kids together?
We are not married because of this.

Please don't be judgemental and rude.

Answer 1

There is a comfort level in all relationships. I don't quite understand the tossing of hurtful things back and forth. That happened once between my wife and I and never again. You can't take that stuff back. The sleeping in seperate rooms is not good either. granted..after a certain time frame the sex is not as often as it was but a lot of this stuff is replaced by security and the good feeling you have knowing that you are there for one another and even in the same house together.
There appears to be a very big breakdown in communication between the two of you. There should be an effort made to re-establish it. Failure in doing so will only make things worse.
Age shouldn't play a factor and is usually an excuse. I was 23 when I met my wife, she 35. Twenty-two years later and life is coming home from work, a kiss or two. I cook dinner, we eat or if neither of us is hungry we eat when we feel like it. She watches TV and talks on the phone to her (adult) kids and grandkids. I goof around playing a game or two on the computer or sit there and read. We sleep in the same room, in the same bed. If she stays up the road at the youngest daughter's and husband's house with the grandkids...I reach out in the middle of the night it's I wake up when I don't feel her there. We go out to eat. See a movie occasionally and go to family events. other than that...that's it. Not very exciting is it? It's not supposed to be. life changes, you change but the love..although you may not be banging one another on the kitchen table anymore, the comfort and security of knowing she's there for you (or him) is priceless.

That's the peoblem with most people nowadays. They don't know how to communicate. they don't know how to mediate and make concessions....both important in a marriage. Some things you have to take a firm stand on. Some..well...alittle leeway won't hurt. But people don't want to work on it.
So...you have your work cut out for you. The both of you. But if you BOTH want it to work you can make it do so. Remember though. Both of you. If you work at it and he refuses..well...no one can ever say YOU never made the effort to save the relationship.

Answer 2

what you are going through happens to many couples ie sleeping seperate rooms. I don't think it is nice but it just happens to so many couples. What happens is that the kids allow such a relationship to survive under these rather 'unhappy' situations. Emotionally, the two of you get further and further away and become 'dad' and 'mum' rahter than spouses (what it was before).
So question is, are you both normal? Yes I do believe you are
Can it be fixed? Yes it can when you both step up and agree where to draw the line. It won't be easy because you have already allowed it to slip. Get yourselves back in one room and this may be very uncomfortable but force it to happen. Then try to have as much intimacy, but be warned it can't happen automatically and one spouse will normally not be as interested as the other in making it work so it can get frustrating but do it for the kids. Because when the big one comes (a big fight), divorce is very likely.

Answer 3

Let me tell you from expeirence my soon to be ex and i have been together 12 years married for 8 1/2 but we have 3 kids and we had been seperated 7 times and i loved him but eventually i slept in our king size bed alone him on the couch i did laundry cooked cleaned house stuff the kids school stuff and christmas schopping we kept trying to make it work for the kids sake but in may it just got to be to much i loved him but the lonelyness i felt inside was unbearable we would have sex like once a month and then it was not even nice just like ok the end i wanted things to get better because he was the kids father but also i relized i love him but i was not in love with him him with me neither now the kids live with me and he barely comes around but i have met anice guy and have relized that all good does come to those who try and can wait. Ihope that you can make it through i tried and after 7 seperations emotionally hurt and 2 files for divorce i couldnt do it anymore also even though your kids are young they can still feel it when you are stressed or upset good luck

Answer 4

Oh girl, I do know exactly what your going through. I am in my second marriage. I was married 18 years to an abusive man. The husband I have now, his mother ruined him from ever being a real man. we also live like roomates we share the same bed but that's all , he would rather go at himself then have me if you know what I mean. I wished I could give you some sound advise. My husband is also younger then me. He has no back bone, he doesn't disapline our kid I do it all and I am sick of it. I should of stayed single after my divorce. all I can say girl is be tough. I wish you the best

Answer 5

I think it's a good thing to stay together for your daughter. I think things can change, but perhaps not via a method that makes much sense--at least on the surface. I have been in a similar situation for years, and I can share with you what worked for me and for others. Due to the format here, I can only summarize. If you'd like additional info, please feel free to e-mail me. 1) You can't change him. You can only change you. Therefore, your energy needs to go into being the best wife and mother you can be. The surprising thing is that as you work on yourself the situation with your husband will probably improve--even though it's not you who are at fault. You'll never get him to agree with your assessment of the situation, so don't waste your time trying. 2) Look for and genuinely praise your husband when he does something you like. False or inflated praise won't work. One woman I know was so upset with her husband that the only thing she could think of to praise him about was the fact that he always came home. She started by thanking him for being there with her. Then she started to notice other stuff and built from there. For you, it might start with, "I'm really glad you decided to stay with me to raise our daughter." 3) When he's mean or belligerent, very calmly and without blame or accusation, tell him you don't like it AND LEAVE IT. Don't expect him to agree, change, or respond. Don't argue with him. Don't be a nag. Just say, "When you swear in front of the baby it really upsets me," or, "When you yell at me about your Blackberry it makes me feel like you don't love me," then drop it. 4) Look for ways to do loving things for him whether or not he deserves it. Behave like you're his girlfriend once in a while instead of his wife. Don't penalize him or try to make him behave a certain way before you show love. If you are willing to follow these guidelines for months (MONTHS!) you have a chance. If you get frustrated and quit after a week, you might as well have not started in the first place. This takes a while. If you do it consistently and do it well, however, I predict that he will slowly begin to respond differently to you. If I'm wrong (I don't think I am) and he doesn't change, all you've lost is a few months. I think your daughter is worth the experiment, don't you? I'm also putting a book, below, that espouses a similar program to what I have described. I read it and think it's right on. Don't let the title fool you. It's really all about you (the wife) exercising your true power in your relationship.

Answer 6

Before reading the additional comments the first thing that came to my mind is this...
Nothing changes until you make changes.

Life has a way of wearing people down. The day to day stressors can wreck havoc if not handled well. I believe your relationship can improve but only if you both want it to happen.

You mentioned that you have both said hurtful things to each other. Unfortunately these words cannot be taken back. But they can be examined. Ask each other why you felt that way. I believe words said in anger hold truths to them even if you wish you hadn't said them. Once you get to the root of why the words were said then you can come to a solution on how to repair the damage.

Without knowing what was said it is rather difficult to say anything more. But I can tell you this. The most important part of communication is listening. Not only listen to what your partner has to say but try to understand. You may not agree with what he is saying but understand that he/she has a reason for feeling the way he/she does. Sometimes we think we are coming across to someone in one way but they are perceiving it in another way and what's really more important? How WHE THINK we are doing or how it is actually AFFECTING our partner.

Good Luck

Answer 7

You really need to take a step back and evaluate.

-Is this worth saving? -Do I really love him or is it just too comfortable? -What am I willing to do to make this relationship work?

After you figure out where you stand, then you need to figure out where you both stand. YES, you can fix the relationship. You both have to get over the anger and hurtful things and really work on it. Sleep in the same room, go on dates together, get to know each other again. Act as if you just met and let go of the past.

Once you discover why you feel in love to begin with then you can maintain that love and work on it.

Sometimes people go through rough patches but you should always be able to find your way back to each other!

Good Luck and I wish you the best!

Answer 8

Ask yourself this..."Is this the man that I want to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life?" The answer to that question is the answer to your question above.

I stayed in a horrible marriage for 6 years and found happiness after divorce. I often wondered why I held on for those last 4 years...I could have had 4 years of rebuilding my life rather than being tormented daily...

See a counselor before you do anything though.

Answer 9

No, it doesn't get better. I was in your situation but w/out the kids. When you feel like roomates or his mother it takes away from that fire and passion you once had. You need to ask yourself what you want out of life and what you deserve. It's possible that the two of you will split but remain good friends. It's possible he will realize all you do for him. I will also say that it gets easier.

Answer 10

Typically abusive relationships, which this has become (emotionally abusive, possibly financially abusive), do not get better, but only escalate. Or in your case, one of you will find their needs met elsewhere.

You need to take a stand. For your relationship. For your family.

Tell him you are both going to marriage counselling. Don't take no for an answer. It will be a lot cheaper and less expensive, financially and relationship wise, then seperation will be. And think of how much better it could become!

You need to be committed to what you want, more then he might be committed to not making an effort.

Best of luck,