I had a really bad day and need some ideas to make me smile again. Anybody got any?

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear that you have had a bad one! If you want to talk about it give me a shout. In the mean time if one of my six jokes dose not work then I will have to hide in a dark room eating chesse!!!

Hope things are better tomorrow! : )

1.

Two women friends had gone on a girls night out & had been decidely over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk & walkin home they suddenly realised they both needed to pee.They were near a graveyard &1 of them suggested they do it behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her pants & used them, then threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set & didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave & wiped herself with that. After finishing they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties! "That's nothing!!" said the other. "Mine's come back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!" :)

2.

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" "He eats *****. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."

3.

After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"
The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."
Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. "Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly. "That's how you wave a bloody towel."

4.

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

5.

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

6.


A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Answer 2

Howdiiiiiiiiii, hi, I’m Mixer, you know when I’m driving down route 9W after having a bad day, me and the missus’s always stop at Dickens. Dickens Cider Fruit Stand, they got everything from fruit to vegetables and home made pies but there ain’t nothing like there cider.

Dick inside ‘er, why yes siree, why even though we were late for church last Sunday, she had to have a little Dick inside ‘er.

She says that there ain’t nothing like it, even my minister says his wife enjoys a little Dick inside ‘er, now and then.

Now why don’t you bring some home in a protected red bottle, that way it’ll stay fresh or you could let it sit a while and have some hard Dick inside ‘er.

It’s good at lunch, it’s good at dinner and there’s nothing like waking up with a Dick inside ‘er.

Dickens Fruit Stand just off route 9W and Trencher Road 69, open 24 hours because after a chilly night, I like to snuggle up in bed with a hot Dick inside ‘er. UUUMMM

Answer 3

A really stupid joke should make you smile!

A rabbit goes into a butchers and asks for a pound of carrots
The butcher replies "sorry mate but we don't sell carrots, we're a butchers shop!", so the rabbit leaves.
He goes back in the next day and asks for a pound of carrots,
the butcher says "I told you yesterday, we don't sell carrots!"
This happens every day for about a week, and every time the butcher tells him the same thing.
By the eighth day the butcher gets annoyed with the rabbit and tells him that if he comes back in again asking for carrots, he'll nail his ears to the floor, so the rabbit leaves.
Two weeks later the rabbit goes back to the butchers and says "have you got any nails?",
The butcher looks at him confused and says "no of course not!!"
"right" says the rabbit, "can i have a pound of carrots please!"

Told you it was stupid!

Answer 4

Take a long walk and look at all that we have and remember we have the freedom and some others don't.. or better yet get out the old albums and reminis....You always get a laugh out of that old book,year books r fun 2. Better Days 2 u -------WVa

Answer 5

Sorry to hear that.. I'm not much of a jokester, but I'll try:
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

Answer 6

Get stoned- it's the only way! ;)

Otherwise, try turning up music really loud and dancing 'til your legs fall off. Usually makes me smile. Could also try chocolate- but kick-backs aren't always good from that.

Answer 7

well you can start by reflecting on your inner self so you can find what really bothered you once you do that you can start the process of healing, start slowly one step at a time, friends can be real good at this time because they can cheer you up and show different perspectives for the same problem, this way helping you to solve it!.
cheer up!
:D

Answer 8

think of all the good times you had with your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby/wife.think of the day you got married if you are married. or think of the day your son/daughter was born that will bring a smile to your face

Answer 9

Listen to your favorite music! Works for me everytime, including right now!

Answer 10

hang out with freinds and act stupid or watch a favorite movie or read a good book or listen to music