Him and I were togther for 2 years before he got locked up. He went away for 3 years and now he's here again claiming that he's different. And well I see it. I miss him but I am a bit scared. What should I do?
2006-10-18 05:55:14 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
My dear friends son came out of jail a different person. This is what he told us all, he wanted to make changes. These changes lasted about 8 months. He is now serving 12 years for a hit and run whilst drink driving. His first time was for dealing heavy drugs. As a reader, I advised him to do the inner work required to stay on par...or he will return to his vicious cycle. He said he did not need to. So where he sits today he is missing out on his young brothers growing up, a birth and soon two marriages. Because he said he had changed.
Not to put a shadow of doubt to your mans situation, I believe his intent at this time is very real. However, what is his philosophy on life...has that changed. Does he own his stuff. Has he stopped blaming and projecting his justifications for what was done, on other people. What 'work' did he undertake to 'change'.
As a citizen myself, whom has not spent time in jail, it took me over 5 years to make my 'changes'. So what has he changed?
What is your gut feeling? My feeling is that you already know the answer to your own question. That is why you are asking. You already know the truth....and need confirmation of your own doubts, your own intuition. I say TRUST your own intuition. This is a time to make a gut decision not a heart decision. Missing him does not justify going backwards. To be complete within self, one must also be ones own best company. What is it that you miss? The company? Or his love? If his love was true, his first priority in life would have been himself and then you, in a positive light. However, he allowed 'fear' or 'lack' to lead him, he was not prioritising self, or allowing himself to make correct choices.
I would say allow him space, allow him to show you his independance and leadership 'skills' and see if he comes from a genuine gentle and compassionate loving place, because if he does not, you are allowing and choosing for yourself, what is yet to come, and you will have to take ownership if it falls apart, and not blame him. He is who he is. You know him enough. Asking this question...the answer is in your question, "but now I'm a bit scared".....see? You just answered your own question ;)
Blessings be in love & light
Harriett Potty
2006-10-18 06:14:10 · answer #1 · answered by harriettpotty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First listen to that gut feeling you have and yes, be scared. Be very afraid. Look at your situation and decide if you will be happy living that way with him forever. If not, make a journal of what you want your life to be, then write down what steps will start taking you toward that goal/s. Then act on taking those steps. If he's willing to be a positive part of that, eeh maybe consider dating him for a year to two. If you don't currently see a 110% change in this guy after he's just gotten out of prison, then stay completely away. He has learned nothing and will continue his same bad behavior. Odds are, he may tweak his bad behavior for awhile, then make a full circle back to where he was. Especially, once he has you sucked back in with him and is comfortable. You have a responsibility not only to you, but YOU must think of that baby above everything else. It is YOUR job to make good decisions for the both of you. Good luck to you.
2006-10-18 13:08:01 · answer #2 · answered by Tami 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start Slow. Tell him he can make visits with his son and visit you at your home (no Sex). Do things with him to see if he is changed. You will know fairly soon and listen to your instinct, you gut message. I think he always will have a right to see his son and know him don't deprive your son of a relationship with his father as it will backfire on you. I have seen sons hold the anger in and have nothing but problems in their lives from not having a relationship with their fathers (girls and boys). Boys can not control anger and act out, girls look for love in all the wrong places trying to fill the void of their fathers love that is missing.
Prison can change a person. It gives them plenty of time to think and work out their problems. Lets call it a thinking tank. It is hell in there but the stong survive and come out Smarter. The weak come out worse learning bad habits they picked up in the Tank. Prison can rehabilitate if the person accepts the help and wants to change.
Don't jump right back in with him just because you love him. Don't tell him he needs to prove himself, treat him normal. But you will be watching him closely and evaluating his actions from a distance. Spend time with him but not too close. If he tries getting sexual tell him you want to only be friends at this point. If he does not understand this move on without him as he is not worth it.
If he has a good personality that matches yours and he can take care of you and your child and you love him. Give him another chance as anyone can MAKE A MISTAKE IN LIFE.
2006-10-18 13:05:14 · answer #3 · answered by Nevada Pokerqueen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you're scared then don't do it, everyone deserves a second chance but just because you see the change now doesn't mean that he wont get back to his old ways again, you don't need to be in a relationship with him just because you have a child together but he does need to be there for his son and be apart of his life but he has already went to prison once and hasn't been apart of his child's life and if he isn't going to make good decisions concerning his future which also effects his relationship with his child then atleast you can make the right choices concerning your son, let him be there for your child but really you and your son don't need someone in your lives that has the potential to keep popping in and out of your lives....
2006-10-18 13:07:11 · answer #4 · answered by MidnightSkies 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sure. Every child needs a father. He was in prison for hustling not murder. Give him another chance.
2006-10-18 12:57:40 · answer #5 · answered by b97st 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl go with your heart, i mean was he hustlin for you and yours. Now come one everybody s not perfect but if love him and es a good man go ahead and give it a try, but let him know how you feel about his hustling, if u love him that much you will accept it, and if he goes back to jail hopefully ou will hae you a freaknic on the side.
2006-10-18 12:59:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wait before you make a decision. after all, he is a hustler. you may just be seeing what you want to see.you may want to get back with him due to having a child with him. be smart, think with your head not your heart. best interest of your son comes first. let him work for another chance. if he sticks it out, then he's changed. if not, he hasn't!
2006-10-18 13:13:06 · answer #7 · answered by bama g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him a chance you may meet someone else and be In a worst relationship at least you know him already...I say give him a chance and you sound as though you love him anyways.
2006-10-18 12:59:10 · answer #8 · answered by Mersani 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
definaltley give hi a chance. i'v ebeen to prison and the anger managment courses in there halped me alot. being in there makes you realize what you are missing out on. if he starts to become doing his old ways remind him of being alone and missing out on your son growing up. that would work garuanteed
2006-10-18 12:58:23 · answer #9 · answered by chronic_alcholic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think most definatly give him one more chance to know his kid, there are to many children who dont even know who thier parents are
2006-10-18 12:58:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋